LUCARIAH

The One Where I'm Asleep

Darkness.

  An inky black void where time and space loose all meaning.

  Reality is nothing but a figment of my own imagination here, sitting in the in-between.

Between life. Between death. I'm aware, but I'm not. What does life mean if it's not to live? What does death mean if it's not to die? 

  A consistent voice calls to me- Lucariah. Lucariah. Lucariah. I don't want to respond to that voice- on the contrary, I want to escape it. I just don't understand why.

  I can't seem to grasp the fact that there is more beyond this- this thick, timeless, emptiness. There's a reason the call repels me. Just as there is a reason for the sun to set and the moon to rise. But...what is that reason? And why am I curious to know what would happen if the voice were to catch me?

  I'm teetering on a fine line; I know that if it can catch me, I may never escape. I also know that whatever waits for me on the other side- the safer side- isn't as great as it may appear. And the fact that that side is awfully quiet suggests that I may be closer to the voice than I realized.

  I know I should fight to get back; to break the surface of this empty sea. But the waters feel much warmer down under than they ever did on the surface. The compression I feel on my chest and legs make up for the lack of affection I had out there- out in the real world.

  Maybe if I could just let the current take me under, I could finally rest in peace. That's what I wanted, wasn't it? To lay beside my hero beneath the soil. My corpse rotting to the earth as my soul dances above my grave, holding hands with the only person who wanted to give me the world.

  The more I thought of her the closer I felt to her presence. It was though she were guiding me to her.

  And, suddenly, the void dwindled away. Snaking towards a blue, blue sky in wispy tendrils transforming into swarms of crows revealing a grassy clearing full of the prettiest of flowers. Sitting right in the middle of it all was a familiar girl.

  I could recognize her tightly coiled curls anywhere, and the unearthly glow the sun gives her dark skin.

  "Darla," I breathed out, too scared to speak any louder. I feared she'd fade away. I glanced down at myself, startled by the finely pressed clothes I wore. A white button down and brown slacks. My leg was free of its brace- not causing an inch of pain.

  I looked back up at the sound of my name, the sweet tone that used to accompany it drawing me in.

  "Lucariah," she repeated, stalking closer to me, her pale pink gown billowing in the breeze, "you look so grown up!" Darla gushed, cupping my cheeks in her hands. Hands that didn't feel right, they were too cold, too thin. Her hazel eyes shown with happiness for the briefest moment before her smile fell.

  "Why are you here?" The sadness in her tone made my heart ache as though I'd lost something. Something fragile. Something important.

  "I died?" I looked back towards the sky- who's colors were just a little too vibrant to be true. "That's why I'm here...right?"

   She stayed silent for a moment, her hazel eyes- eyes she shared with her brother; though hers were leaning more towards green- scanning me with a sort of intensity that made me squirm. "No, Luca," Darla said finally; she too glanced up at the sky, masking a sort of sadness and longing, "you're not dead. Not yet."

  I looked down at my shoes and sighed; fearing the thing I'd known from the start. I don't get to stay.

  "Chin up," she said with much more enthusiasm, "I didn't die just for you to long for the same. I should've let them get you," she teased, pinching my side with a scrunched nose- something she used to do to little Lucariah- the longer I spent here the more I felt like him.

  "They still got to me," I choked out, falling to my knees with an anguished cry. Darla died for me, but they got to me anyway. Her lose was for naught.

  She lowered herself in a poised manner. Much different from the girl I used to know. "My efforts weren't in vain," she whispered, "I knew the risks. And I knew you would've never survived then, not when you wore your heart on your sleeve."

  "You ruined my life," I whispered, mostly to myself, but she heard anyway.

  Releasing a harsh sigh, she lay back in the grass, urging me to do the same. "I know," Darla admitted after a beat of silence, "I know about your dad and your brothers. I know about the fathers that came after and your sisters- half and step. I know about your mom," we shared a grimace, "but, the thing is-" she waited for our eyes to meet, "I don't regret a thing."

  When I went to argue, a smile bloomed on her dimpled cheeks, "I loved you Luca. I still do. How could I possibly live with myself knowing I didn't save you?" The question was met with silence. "Lucariah, you were my greatest treasure. My diamond in the rough. Life would have been meaningless without you."

  "That's not true!" I spat, "you would've married Zeke and had a bunch of little babies- you would've forgotten all about me!" My anger faded into pain as she wrapped me up in her arms.

  "Why must you be so angry?" she sighed, her voice sounding farther away. I looked up at the sky to see it fading into a misty gray. All the colors seemed to be fading, dark feathers falling like snow around us.  The heartache in my chest suddenly became very real; like an elephant weighing me down.

  "Darla," I whimpered, clinging to her with all I had. "What's going on?"

  She looked at me with a barely there smile, a single tear trailing down her cheek, "you were meant to live Luca. No matter what they tell you, no matter what you feel. So...live a life for the both of us. Do the things I didn't have the courage to do."

  "But...you're the bravest person I know."

  She shook her head, staring off into a distance that wasn't so clear anymore, "I was scared of one thing, Luca, and one thing only."

  "And what was that?"

  "Growing up." And just like that, I was swallowed back up by the vast, empty nothing. And this time, my heart felt the same.