LUCARIAH

The One Where We Arrive

  

      I've known for most of my childhood that I wasn't normal. Not in the generic way; I didn't find much joy in toy cars and dinosaurs.

  There was a serene feeling that washed over me in doing something out of the ordinary. I excelled, I was considered gifted. Everything I did, I did with pride.

   These days I find it hard to keep up with the extraordinary; the elegance that comes with the workings of my mind. I find myself getting tangled in the web it weaves.

    What has become of life if we can't grasp the concept of living another hour?

   It's a cruel setting. A curse to go from thoughtful to thoughtless.

   My minds draws a blank the moment we return to the road; cruising down the highway to what I believe is my new home.

   I don't remember getting there.

   It's the concussion, I believe.

   I don't even remember leaving the car. One moment I was sitting and the next I was in front of a dark blue door; crutches cuffing my arms, hands tight on the handles.

   These blanks I keep drawing are angering me.

   "What do you think of glow stars on the ceiling?" Lith gushed, "my younger brother had thousands of stars lighting his dark room." She sighed wistfully, staring at me for what felt like an eternity.

    I shook my head.

    The dark is comforting; I can't have something disturbing it.

   "He was just about your age when he-" it was her turn to shake her head, opening the door for me to finally see the place they've called a home for several years.

   "Welcome home!" I heard Christophen before I could see him. He rushed into the living room, practically bouncing on his feet. "Ambrose! Hurry, they're here!"

  A girl around my brother's age strolled into the room holding a small cake. "Welcome home," she crooned, crouching down to my level, "I'm Ambrosia, your brother's girlfriend. Do you recognize my voice from the hospital? I told you the story about the lion...?"

   Unfortunately I don't remember, she was probably around when I wasn't aware. When I was underwater. I shook my head.

   She frowned for a second, "that's alright, I'll just have to tell you again." A smile painted across her lips and she kissed my forehead, "it's good that you're here now. I'm happy."

   My heart started beating fast. I don't understand what these people expect of me. Why they keep looking at me as though I can change their world. If only I could tell them about the things I've done. The things I've seen.

   I can't be their savior. Do they even need one?

   I would hope not.

   I'd be the death of them.

But what if I could be better? I could be good, I swear. There's good somewhere in this torn and rotted thing beating in my chest. There's good in my heart if I gave it a try.

So I tried a smile. It was small; tentative, but it was there. And she noticed it- and she smiled back.

Christophen pushed his way between the two of us, "that's not fair!" He whined like a child. "I was supposed to talk to him first."

Ambrosia stuck her tongue out at him, "too late!"

He lunged for her, but she ducked away- giggling as she did.

Christophen laughed; head thrown back, making his muddy brown hair splay this way and that. "Watch yourself," he warned playfully before turning to me, "want to see your room? I decorated it for you!"

I hesitated a second before nodding. That question made goosebumps coarse through me, but I ignored it.

"Want to see your room?"

No, I never wanted to see that room again.

But this wasn't him asking me; it was Christophen. If I had hope for seeing at least one of my brothers again- it would have been Christophen.

And he's here, and he's happy, and he's talking to me as he leads me to the place he decorated himself... just for me.

I took in a breath after I realized we'd walked past the same painting four times. I turned a scrunched brow his way and he cracked up.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" He laughed, "okay, enough of that. I was just messin'. Your room is right here."

He swung open the stark white wooden door, revealing an ocean themed bedroom.

Waves as tall as me painted on the walls, seagulls painted on the ceiling, dark blue sheets covering the bed.

Everything was done to perfection. My eyes watered at the detail, from the wood on the painted boat, to the sea foam caps on the waves.

"Do you like it?" Christophen asked weakly, rubbing the back of his neck, "I know it's stupid of me to pick a theme for you. But...I've been secretly working on this room, hoping one day you'd-"

I didn't let him finish his sentence before I crashed into him, my crutches falling to the floor with a dull metallic thud.

A tear soaked into his brown sweatshirt.

His arms closed around me, folding into me. "I missed you so much, Luca," he whispered, "I'll never leave you again."

   I wasn't one to be optimistic; but this promise burrowed in the hollows of my heart. Filling it with a warmth I haven't felt in so long.

   We stayed like that for what felt like an eternity until Ambrosia stepped into the room, smiling from ear to ear.

  "Did you know I'm the one who painted the birds?" She sighed wistfully staring up at them. 

  Christophen stared at her with a serene grin. A dreamy smile. Like he couldn't believe she was his.

   I've seen that look before.

   I know it well.

   He won't ever get to look at her like that again. And it'll always be my fault.

   I'll protect Ambrosia with my last breath if it means I can save Christophen from the heartache our older brother endured.

   This time things will be different.

  It's a promise I'm willing to keep.