LUCARIAH

The One Where I Loose Myself

My heart- for the first time in a long time- was what I could assume was something close to happy.

   The five of us sat, propped around a sagging, old brown sectional. There were rips in the fabric that I found comfort in pulling apart further as I listened to the sound of music blasting through all corners of the house.

   I closed my eyes and leaned back, squeezing my eyes shut against the feel of suffocation that came with being in a room full of people.

   My mother never cared much for my whereabouts, but she never let me anywhere near a party of such nature. Teens and young adults dulling all their pain- grand and small- with substance after substance.

    Zephr was knocked out cold beside me, leaning against Rhys as he threw back everything that he could get his hands on. It scared me and fascinated me all the same.

   The way all these people could share one thing; and that's the ability to be vulnerable with so many watchful eyes. It left me astonished.

Dakota sat beside Faron, the two of them locked in a heated argument. I couldn't hear it through all the noise, but it seemed serious.

Faron seemed as though he'd knock Dakota out cold any minute from now. An exchange I didn't wish to see.

   Dakota pulled out a thick stack of cash and held it out to him with raised brows. Faron glared at him before snatching it from his hand and giving me a long look.

    Standing from the couch with a huff he rushed away from us. Looking back only once and disappearing into the crowd.

Dakota leaned back against the couch, stretching his arms up and yawning wide before standing up and crouching in front of me.

   "Are you having fun?" His eyes were glazed and unfocused, staring through- not at- me. Rhys said they were party hopping and they'd all had a little too much in their systems by the time they got here.

   Not Faron though, he'd been appointed babysitter for the night. And while he seemed to have a good idea of how to keep these three party animals under lock and key; he was fed up with them long before we'd arrived.

   I nodded hesitantly. I didn't want to admit that the only reason I wanted to be here was because of the noise. It was so loud my thoughts were quite.

   Like I was drowning in a sea of sound and my thoughts drowning with it. I couldn't think beyond now. What I saw now was at the forefront of my mind and nothing else mattered.

    Nothing but the music, and the ripped couch, and Zephr's arm pressing into my own.

    He pursed his lips, "I'm not convinced; you look a little flush, do you want water?"

   Every logical part of me said that I could get my own drink if I was thirsty. Every logic part of my brain was begging me to get up and go with him.

   But I was tired. My leg still throbbed and not so long as an hour ago I had sat for the first time since Ezekiel left me off the side of the road.

   I nodded again. I had a thirst to quench and in my musically intoxicated mind, only he could provide what I needed.

He smiled, his first real smile of the night, "I'll be right back!" He stumbled to what I suppose was the kitchen as I watched Rhys chug down glass after glass of what I can only assume was alcohol.

   He was going to regret this in the morning. Or he was definitely going to feel it in a few hours.

   I grimaced when someone handed his a cup of something blue. One could only imagine what memories or feelings he was trying to drown away.

   My mother was much like Rhys- or so I've heard- when she was so young. They say she was trying to forget the fact that her boyfriend; the one she had before Evan, fell off a bridge.

    The one question that stirs in her brain to this day was; did he fall, or did he jump?

   She spent late, drunken hours of the night sitting on the couch holding a pillow to her chest as she sobbed for his embrace.

   "I loved your father- I did. I did. I still do. But he was never my first choice."

I felt for her, I really did. I sat beside her on some of those nights, listening to the stories of her youth.

"He introduced me to a life I never knew."

It, too, made me wonder if he jumped; there was only one way out of the life he knew- stay in for life, only in death are we free.

   In some odd, twisted way I blame him for all the pain that I'd had to endure. He showed my mother the best places to ease her pain- even if it was unintentional. He was the one who introduced her to the life that I'd had to continue to pay time and time again.

I scowled as Rhys accepted the drink gratefully, remembering the look of relief on my mother's face. A scowl that was lifted immediately when Dakota stumbled back, drink in hand.

"Sorry it took so long," he apologized, "the line was too long. And the designated server kept ignoring me."

I took the drink and knocked it back without a second thought, leaning back and soaking in the music once more- finally at peace.

Less than a minute went by before my eyes squeezed tight as a sharp pain took over my abdomen. I groaned, gripping the arm of the sofa in a white knuckled grip.

"Crow?! Are you alright?" I forced my eyes open to see Dakota once again crouched in front of me.

My chest heaved, and my eyes blurred. I reached for his hand. Perhaps I spoke- I'm not sure- but Dakota lifted me off the couch, insisting on going to the bathroom.

   My body felt like lead. Every movement felt like I was at a snails pace.

  "It's alright, bird," he mumbled, lifting me off the ground.

  In the blink of an eye, I was raised into bigger, stronger arms and yelling ensued. I felt myself being rushed to a place, big meaty fingers forcing themselves into my mouth and my stomach heaving. The rest of the night became a blur.

   When I came into focus, I sat in the passenger side of Faron's car. Rhys, Zephr, and Dakota sat in the back, groaning and complaining. Faron typed rapidly into his phone.

   "Who do I call?" He asked; his all too familiar eyes reaching mine, "Crow? Who am I calling?"

   My head was pounding and the whole world was spinning worse than I'd ever felt it spin before. I took a breath, muttering the only person who I wanted in this very moment.

  "Atticus."