Light in the Dark

Chapter 34: To Trish

Dear Trish,

If you happen to read this, I'm sorry. I hope my departure is not causing you too much pain and grief.

Forgive me if this ends up in a mess, but behind this messy train of thoughts is just one thing. The more important fact that having you as part of my life was the biggest blessing and miracle I've ever received from God.

The nights alone have been scary and fearful. I know that if I leave, Lola will have to once again go through the pain of sending her loved one off. The memory of the tears she shed years ago is still etched in my mind clearly. 12 year old me swore never to let Lola shed a tear again. Please tell her that Apo is sorry. That I'll miss the smell of her freshly baked bread, her loving words and warm hugs. That I would never have grown into the person I am without her.

I know you'll be crying as you read this but I hope this letter gives you a reason to smile. Tricia, you were the turning point in my life.

Before you, I never knew I could love someone romantically as much as I love you. Your kindness, your overflowing love for the people around you and your thoughtful heart touches me everytime I watch you interact with your family, friends and the patients in the hospital. You are someone I inspired to resemble. Someone so unimaginably tough yet raw about your emotions. You build walls to protect yourself, but not strong enough that it traps you inside. The mornings where you wake up beside me, I spend more time than I should smiling and thinking about how amazing an individual you are.

I contemplated a lot before deciding on this. I know it was selfish of me. To leave Lola alone. To have you wait for me. If I am honest, I wish I could put everything behind me. I wish I could just go home to Lola's bakery and have dinner with you after a long day of work. Join spin classes with you even though I suck at it, go overseas with you and make funny faces to see you smile. You were the my final destination I earnestly prayed for. I swear that if one day you ever entrust the rest of your life to me, I'll do everything it takes to make you happy. For your smile is more than enough reason.

I pray that you would grieve too long for me. Go on and find the peace and happiness that you fully deserve. A person who loves you even more than I can. A person who you love equally or even more. Someone who can be by your side forever. Let me remain a memory and not a burden or fear. You are worthy and deserving of unconditional love, Tricia.

For the last time, I love you.

Jayden.