What's Said in Silence

Sera-XXII

"Thirty eighty-four, love." The sweet older woman behind the till read off my total. Vessel had left for the states this morning so I was only grabbing a few hygiene things that I was running low on and a few snack foods so that I could take a break from cooking for a few nights. I also wanted to leave the house as little as possible until he got back. 

I had shown Jessie the text messages. He told me he'd talk to Seattle's District Attorney for me, which would put local law enforcement's attention on his whereabouts. If he left the country, Jessie would be one of the first to know about it. 

I don't make trusting people blindly a habit, but Jessie was the exception. Not only had he worked tirelessly on my case, but we formed a friendship through it. Some might consider it a trauma bond, especially considering I stopped talking altogether after it was all said and done, but it was the only connection I had with another person since. That was until Vessel. 

I paid, grabbed my bags, and walked out of the shop. It wasn't too far from the house that I'd need a car but it was still a long walk, and the air was getting colder as winter was rapidly approaching. I considered getting my license to drive in the UK, but I was still waiting on my citizenship application to get approved. I didn't even have a car so the idea was moot. 

I kept my head on a swivel the entire walk home. I'm sure the last text was meant to cause paranoia and it had been successful. Still, I couldn't go about my days as if everything was fine and there weren't monsters lurking in the shadows, waiting patiently for me to turn my back. 

My shallow breathing didn't subside until I shut the front door behind me. My footsteps echoed as I walked into the living room. It always felt emptier when Vessel was gone, but this time I was more aware of it. A nagging feeling tugged at me, though I couldn't quite place what it was. 

I reached into one of my bags and pulled out the pair of headphones I bought. They were a cheap, corded pair, but they would do the job. I decided to take the opportunity with him gone to do a little research. I hadn't known the name of  Vessel's band until Jessie mentioned it at dinner a few nights ago. 

I pulled out my phone and opened the YouTube app. I typed in 'Sleep Token' and a profile with a picture of Vessel came up. I clicked on it and scrolled through the list of videos. There was more than I thought there would be. I couldn't remember most of the ones I had heard from the show he had taken me to with the exception of the 'eyes like fire' song. I didn't see anything that resembled it so I settled on a song called 'Levitate'.

His voice filled my ears and it nearly knocked the wind out of me. I've heard him sing, but hearing him this clearly was something else entirely. The lyrics were just as beautiful and I hadn't realized until the song was over that I hadn't moved from the spot I had been standing in. I clicked on another one called 'Dark Signs', then 'Higher', then 'The Offering'. Each one amazed me and took my breath away. 

I clicked on one called 'The Way That You Were' and the sound of an organ instantly filled my ears. This song had a different energy than the rest. Nevertheless it gripped my attention just the same, maybe even more so. From what I could tell, it was a song meant for a funeral, yet it spoke to me a little differently. 

'Come on, tear off the bandage
The way that you were.
With pain as your language
The way that you were.
Will you show me the damage?
The way that you were.'

I couldn't help but think of the person I used to be. The girl I was before all the lies and hurt. The carefree teen that was presented with a choice, one for which she chose wrong, and in turn, grew up sooner than she should have. She didn't disappear overnight. That girl had been suffocated, slowly, until her flame burnt out. She was the girl I mourned for the last few years and had desperately wanted to revive her. 

'How much did they hurt you?
The way that you were.
And how much did they break you?
The way that you were.
And how far did they take you?
The way that you were.'

I have good uses for that smart ass mouth 

Tears prickled behind my eyes as I sank to my knees. I clicked replay on the screen when the song ended. Again and again I listened to the song. Allowing myself to fall apart and feel everything I should have long ago. I'd been so wrapped up in fear and paranoia I hadn't let myself feel anything else. The guilt and self-hatred came crashing in tidal waves, but so did self-pity and heartache. 

Show me you love me. 

As the memories flooded my mind, I cried harder and harder, though there wasn't any sound. I was still locked in my silent prison. Silence had been just as much my damnation as it was my salvation. I'd spent years lying to everyone I came across. And though I didn't verbally tell lies anymore, I was still a liar by omission. I hated it. The phrase 'the truth will set you free' was absolute bullshit. My truth would get me killed. Though, deep down, I knew I deserved it.

It should have been me.