Why not? - English

13-01 Norman Burns up the Dancefloor

It was crazy. While we were as professional as ever and tried to act as normal as possible around everyone, there was something undeniably different between us. At work, Sam and I didn't know how to interact with each other, and at home I cried my eyes out every night. I never thought it would be so hard to finish something that hadn't even started.

I was so glad that Sam saw it the same way I did, but no matter how much I convinced myself that this was the best solution for both of us to protect our hearts, it still hurt so much.

It was one thing to be heartbroken because the man of your dreams didn't want you or had walked away; but it was a completely different thing when you knew he wanted nothing more than to be with you and didn't do it for the sake of reason.

I asked myself again and again whether our decision had been the right one, wanted nothing more than to be close to Sam because it made me feel good, because I could laugh with him, because I felt comfortable and safe with him. But would those feelings outweigh it if one of us eventually died on a mission and the other was left in mourning?

It had only been a few months since I had even discovered my feelings for Sam. It had only taken me a few weeks to really develop a crush on him and a few more weeks to fall fully and truly in love with him. The thought of becoming even more and completely attached to him and then losing him scared me to death and the fact that Sam had admitted to me that he had previously wanted to protect me by using the wrong classification in the deployment showed me that he had the same fears. It had been the only sensible way to protect both of us and ensure that we would always function properly and professionally.

But now everything between us was awkward and I regretted getting to know him better and letting each other go. If only we had been strong from the start and strictly followed the rule instead of meeting secretly under the guise of friendship. Maybe then it wouldn't have been so painful.

But no matter how much I was suffering myself, seeing how much Sam was suffering made it much more worse and knowing that all I had to do was reach out and hug him to make it easier for both of us and so wiping away the pain only hurt more.

His smile was always fake when I entered the room - just like mine - and he wasn't in as good a mood as before. He rarely joked anymore, no matter how inviting the situation was. But why should I complain? I didn't either. Why? Because it hurt too much? Because maybe it could spark hope again if we fell into old patterns? Because it felt strange to act as if nothing had happened and as if we hadn't wanted things to be completely different? Probably a bit of everything.

One thing was certain: it had completely ruined our relationship and the promise of being friends forever wasn't really easy to keep.

A scream startled me out of my thoughts and I saw Ellie flying right towards us. What had just happened here?

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sam instinctively preparing to prevent something worse from happening, while my head was still spinning as to how this could be done. Sam took a step to the side, right into Ellie's path, forcing me to back away as he caught her the next moment.

He had been so against Ellie's and Elvis' dance practice all day while I had been helping them, to please them and to prevent something worse from happening, that I couldn't help but smile when his instincts had led him to do so, to show how talented he actually was as he caught Ellie.

"Well done, Sam!" I couldn't stop myself from praising him and he gave me a sideways glance and smiled too as Ellie stretched herself again, clearly enjoying it - whatever exactly. It made my stomach turn.

"You seem to be enjoying this, don't you, Ellie?" Sam turned to our younger colleague and there was some of that mischievous sparkle in his eyes again that he had always given me. Just a hint of it, but enough to awaken feelings in me that surprised and frightened me at the same time.