Why not? - English

13-18 Dog Versus Sheep

"Phew. Where did Woolly get all this energy from?!" I gasped as I gave up and fell onto a bale of hay in front of the fence. It didn't take long before Ellie, Elvis, Garreth and the twins passed me and Ellie stoped to put her hands on her knees to also take a short breather.

"You won't win the race like that, Ellie!" Elvis shouted back to her and I had to laugh quietly. Ever since we came up here into the mountains to practice with Phoenix and Mercury today, the two of them had been competing with each other and I was happy to get involved in a race. It passed the time and kept me from thinking too much - or getting weak and calling or texting Penny first. I was still waiting for her to be the first to give in. But so far my hope had been in vain.

Could our last fight have been too much? Was a relationship between us no longer manageable? I was really starting to doubt it because we'd been fighting each other ever since we admitted we cared more for each other. No. Actually, only since we agreed that being together wasn't such a good idea after all. Since we discovered how easy it would be to hurt each other, precisely because we loved each other and probably wouldn't be able to handle the loss of each other very well.

Now it seemed like we couldn't pass up any opportunity to hurt each other more and I couldn't tell which was worse. It had already hurt enough from the start to know that she wasn't available to me, maybe never would be. My plan to slow down a little and let the younger ones take over more was a last hope of being able to change her mind and it had completely turned into the opposite - thanks to Dilys' rumor mill.

And ever since Ben had confessed how much he was interested into Penny, I'd been a little oversensitive about him too. Deep down I knew that Penny was no more the type to seek comfort in the arms of others than I was, and yet the fear remained. It didn't show my lack of trust in her. It showed my lack of confidence in myself.

I had never been good at meeting other people's expectations. This was clear when I decided to become a firefighter and went to Cardiff against my father's wishes. Even though my father had now come to terms with it and was even proud of me, he was initially disappointed in me. My mother was too because I was so focused on my career instead of having a family. Being a firefighter was the only thing I was really good at. Only then did I get recognition for what I did and who I am. In life I was and remained a failure. Even the woman of my dreams became increasingly disappointed with me and my actions. But how could I have been so presumptuous to even believe that I would one day be truly happy and that someone like her could love me of all people? The smartest, most beautiful and bravest women always belong to other guys.

"Is the place still free?" Ellie pulled me out of my thoughts and I moved to the side a little so that she could sit next to me on the hay bale and stretch out her legs with a sigh. "I really have to do something when I want to defend my title in the Pontypandy fun run this year," she murmured thoughtfully as we watched the others who were still chasing Woolly.

"You could also sit it out and let others win. At some point the others won't feel like running anymore because they can't beat you anyway!" I just suggested to her, not very impressed at the moment by her ambition for a race that seemed so pointless. Everything just seemed pointless to me right now.

"But certainly not in the first year when my sister wants to run too! She'll think I'm chickening out!" Ellie immediately said and looked at me in shock. I couldn't help but laugh quietly, shaking my head in disbelief.

"I'd like to have your worries!" I said before I even realized what I was saying.

"I can even imagine that!"

"What do you mean now?" I asked confused and looked at her skeptically, but she just looked at Elvis, who had now put Woolly down and was talking reassuringly to the sheep while he tried to push it back into its fence with careful steps. It seemed to work well.

"Well, your argument yesterday with Penny. I never thought that I would ever see you arguing at all. Especially not after you've become so...familiar with each other," she simply remarked and gave me a critical look. I just sighed quietly and looked back at Elvis and Woolly. The twins and Lizzie had now positioned themselves to the sides of Woolly so that the sheep had no chance of escaping to the side.

"I would never have believed that either."

"Then why did it happen?" she asked me quietly and I just shrugged my shoulders. I didn't want to talk about it, nor could I really understand what was actually going on with us that we were letting others and our own thoughts turn us against each other.

"I have no idea."

"Oh come on, Sam! If you act like that with Penny too, it's no wonder she gets angry. She's even less fond of being taken for a fool than I am," Ellie said critically and I looked out of the corner of my eye that she looked at me. I knew she was waiting for an answer, but I didn't want to talk about it. Not with her. I wasn't someone who liked to talk about my problems and worries and when I did, I went to my brother or to Helen, my oldest friend. But talking about it with a colleague was a no-go. They would completely lose respect of me and that wasn't allowed to happen as long as I was their team leader. I could and would have only wanted to talk to Penny about it, but that wasn't possible at the moment. "You hinted that she was keeping secrets from you and that she had lied to you and she said something about a rumor. What are you talking about?" She didn't gave up and I leaned back against the fence behind us and crossed my arms over my chest.

"It's really nothing, Ellie. We'll get it sorted out. She just has a little problem with me paying so much attention to you. Professionally I mean," I told her part of the truth, hoping that she would then maybe stop asking questions and realize that it would be better to stay in the background.

"I don't understand that," she replied, perplexed, when Elvis finally got Woolly in the fence and closed the gate. Lizzie immediately pushed the bolt forward and locked it properly.

"Believe me, me neither," I replied to her and stood up so that we could finally drive back to the station. "Good job, guys. Then back to the station!" I shouted loudly and turned to Phoenix.

As I sat inside, my eyes met Ellie's, who was already sitting on Mercury, waiting for Elvis to start the engine, who was currently taking his seat behind Phoenix's wheel. But Ellie no longer looked like she wanted to run another race. She seemed rather thoughtful and I really hoped I hadn't woken a sleeping dog. I knew from Penny how curious Ellie could get and she could certainly latch on to something like a terrier.

To be continued...