- 22 -

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Thursday, it's 3:30 pm and I'm in class. History of music, mega boring.

I paid attention for 30 minutes but now I can't take it anymore. I crossed my arms on the table and plunged my head, letting out a sigh.

BG: Good night, San - Beomgyu let out sitting next to me.

I chuckled.

S: Are you still able to follow the course?

BG: You overestimate me, I tuned out 20 minutes ago.

S: Oh, so you're worse than me actually.

BG: You hadn't noticed that by now?

S: Yeah, now that you mention it - I replied, laughing. Anyway, wake me up when the class is over.

BG: If I haven't fallen asleep by then.

I let out a final chuckle before closing my eyes and letting myself be carried away by my thoughts.

It's crazy that we're talking again with the guys. It feels weird, after four years. It reminds me of a lot of old memories.

I began to reminisce about the summer of my 16th year. All the good times we spent together came back to me. And I noticed that most of them focused on Wooyoung.

I remembered the truth or dare game that made us exchange a kiss.

The time we slept in each other's arms while our skin touched 1000°.

The two days I spent at his place, having him all to myself.

The more I got lost in these memories, the more they came back to me. One after another, they resurfaced and I was surprised to have forgotten them.

I realized that I had buried them deep when I had to say goodbye to our friendship. I had denied all these memories to turn the page.

They were all coming back to me now, more detailed than ever. And I realized that Wooyoung was not just a high school crush, as I thought I remembered. I'd actually been deeply in love with him.

I nostalgically recalled all those moments, when he made my heart beat faster than for anyone else.

And I now remember the state it had put me into when I had to give up our friendship, our closeness, my love for him.

Were my feelings reciprocated? Was the ambiguity I felt between us just an illusion? These questions that I had struggled so hard to avoid came back to me.

But today, I am no longer frustrated or sad asking them, just nostalgic and curious.

I have no more romantic feelings for Wooyoung but I am eager to have the answer, for the me of four years ago.

BG: San - he said shaking my arm slightly. It's time.

I opened my eyes and sat up slowly.

E: Easy, slept well? - Eric asked mocking.

S: I didn't even fall asleep.

E: Nevertheless, you have a god damn mark on your forehead.

S: Damn it - I said rubbing my head reflexively as if it would disappear.

BG: Are you guys going by subway today?

E: Yeah, it's too cold outside.

We rode part of the way together before heading in different directions to go home.

Once I got to my apartment, I put my bag on the floor and made myself a hot chocolate for a snack. It's January, it's damn cold.

As I sipped my chocolate, I got lost again in my memories from second year of high school. A desire came over me.

I sat on the couch, my computer on my lap. I went through my old folders and opened one that I hadn't opened in a looong time. It contained all the photos and videos I had taken that year.

I started looking at all of them, a big smile on my face. The photo of Seonghwa as a zookeeper. The photo of Wooyoung sleeping while holding my wrist.

Hyunjin came back from his classes while I was watching a video that Woo and I had shot when we tried to learn a Blackpink choreography at his place.

S: Hi Hyunie!

HJ: Hi sweetheart.

S: Did you have a good day?

HJ: Yeah chill, and you? - he asked coming to give me a kiss.

S: Yep.

HJ: Oh damn, what's that ugly face? - he teased when he saw me on my laptop screen.

S: Hey!

HJ: I'm kidding, you were too cute - he smiled. And who's this?

S: Wooyoung, I'm rewatching all our high school videos.

HJ: There you go, they messaged you and we lost you - he laughed.

S: Yeah but it reminds me of so much memories!

HJ: Damn, it's so obvious that you had a crush on him - he said watching the images scroll by.

S: Oh, do you think so?

HJ: Yeah, but maybe it's because I know you so well.

S: And him, do you think he liked me back or not? I wonder so much.

HJ: Mmmmh...

Hyunjin leaned forward to analyze the video a little more closely.

HJ: Honestly I'm not really sure. But if you're wondering, why don't you ask him?

S: No way. I'm not gonna say that after 4 years like, "Oh, by the way Wooyoung, I had a crush on you in high school, did you too?"

HJ: Well, why not? I think it's stupid not to tell others what we feel. You have nothing to lose anymore, and you'll have your answer.

S: Mh... - I contented myself with answering, reflecting on what he had just told me.

HJ: You do what you want but in any case you have my opinion! - he said straightening up. I'm going out, I just came to drop off my bag. I'm going for a drink with some friends but I'll be back for dinner.

S: Okay, see you later love. Have fun.

HJ: Love you - he said with a smile as a goodbye before leaving the apartment.

I stayed there, staring at the video of Wooyoung and me goofing around more than dancing.

"You have nothing to lose."

He's not wrong. In an instant, I could have the answer I'd asked myself so much in the past. But I lack courage.

I hesitated for a few more minutes and finally, I grabbed my phone guided by Hyunjin's words. After all, what's the point of asking yourself questions if you never do anything to get the answer?

Conclusion of Chapter 22: San didn't fall asleep.

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