One Of Your Girls// Gojo Satoru × y/n

19. The Reconciliation

"You look pretty with your hair down" he says, shifting his gaze from me to the view.
   
 
I'm supposed to be mad at him.
I'm not supposed to melt.
I should be saying a million things to him right now, but every damn time I see him, I go speechless.

What right does he have to say something like that when he acted like I didn't exist for 2 whole months?
 
   I make my grip on the railing tighter, now suddenly aware of how cold the metal felt.  I feel the cup of tea I held in my hand, and it had turned cold.
    I paid no attention to it at all.
  
     The only problem is...I have no right to be mad at him, when I myself didn't make any efforts either.

   Keeping the longing and the desperation that I felt for him aside, what move did I actually make?

  Nothing. Except for watching him from afar, hoping it could be me instead of the girls beside him.
 
  Nothing. Except for think of different scenarios with different outcomes.

I'm such a coward.

  Since I have no authority to question him about anything, I can only hope to let it slide, and let things eventually clear out if fate would have it that way.

 
What bothers me is that it doesn't affect him the way it affects me.

It's pretty evident.

  I couldn't say anything but just stare at him for moments, before I snapped out of my trance.

   I took off the coat he'd placed around me, and held it towards him.

"Thank you" I said, for both the coat and the compliment that he didn't mean.

   He looks at me, bewildered, and I'm suddenly overcome with a feeling of guilt.

He hesitantly takes the coat from my hand, and I try hard to not meet his gaze.

  "You're going back in?" he asks.

"Yeah, it's getting really late now" I say, despite the fact that it was already beyond late when I came out here.

  He looks down at the ground, and before I would fail to retain the words that were dying to reach him, I walk past him to go back inside my apartment.

   But as I reach the door,
  "Y/n." I stop in my tracks, not daring to turn out to see whether  the expression on his face would match the way he said my name like a lament.

I already know he's looking at me as my back faces him.
   I already know he's feeling flustered and running his fingers through his hair as he's about to say something to me.

  "I missed you" he says.

   It feels like I stopped breathing.

It feels like my heart isn't beating at all.

Those are the words I've said to myself every single day since I met him.

Those are the words that have somehow never seemed to be enough to express what I feel whenever he's not with me.

Those are the words that hold a lot of meaning, and are meaningless, at the same time.

Those are the words I'd imagine him saying when I would be all up in my delusions when I couldn't sleep at night.

But all I wanted to do, was to say it back, and ask him, ask him WHY he didn't do anything if he felt that way, ask him WHY he'd been acting like I didn't exist, ask him WHAT stopped him from reaching out to me.

   But at the same time, he could ask me the same things too, but since my response would be "because you didnt", I don't think the conversation would lead to anything.

  So all I could do, was say what I desperately wanted to say.

"I missed you too", I say, and walk down the stairs, my heart pounding in my chest.

I'm such an idiot.

I hear him running to the stairs, his footsteps getting louder every second, as he approaches the top of the staircase, leaning down to look at me, who'd walked halfway downstairs.

"Y/n? I'll text you. Good night"

I smile to myself as I pretend to not hear him.

        _____________________________

  I lie down on my bed, my face stuffed in my pillow.

    Every fucking damn time, this happens every single damn time.

  Why does he hold such power over me?

Why is he a person who makes me do things that are unpredictable to myself?

And why does the hope that he gives me every time something like this happens go away as quickly as it was ignited when he starts behaving differently all of a sudden on a random day?
 

    I let out a long sigh.

What's enough for me now, is that we had a reconciliation.

It's always one step at a time.