The Brick Wall

Chapter 51

Collins POV

  Regret.

  Shame.

  Fear.

  I'm use to my brain running ninety to nothing on a regular basis. Normally though in recent months, it's calmed a bit when I'm around Curtis. I wouldn't call it a clarity that takes over, not by a long shot, but the jumbled up thoughts at least come to one subject, leading me to at least a more mildly calm mind. 

  Not last night. 

  Last night started out confusing, unsure of how he truly felt about me. But then the actions within his apartment, especially his bedroom, certainly showed at least one way how he felt. And my mind started to let me think this was all okay, every bit of it. 

  I loved having his hands on me, his gentle touch and caresses lit a fire in me just as strongly as when he practically manhandled me on the couch. 

  Even his words about seeing me in his bed, clad in a Dallas Stars jersey with his name on it. It didn't scare me, per say.  It made my heart race, not out of anxiousness. But it beat harder and faster at the realization that this could be something truly special. 

  However, as soon as his fingers popped the button on my pants, a light as bright and red as the one that shines when a goal is made, went off screaming in my head.  And I couldn't reconcile my thoughts any longer.

  His offer to just hold me, and not prod, meant more than I could tell him.  But now, hours later as the sun begins to rise, light shining through his curtains, I realize I've laid here all night and not slept a single moment. 

  My thoughts have been about nothing but regret, shame and fear. One after the other choosing to take up residence, letting me stew on it for a bit before the next comes sweeping in, melting right into the previous. The amount of time spent on all three together, has left me with a horrid ache in my head, chest and stomach.

  I  can't be here right now. As much as I want Curtis' arms to be my safe space, it's not. Not yet.

  His arm is wrapped tightly around my stomach, the same spot it's been for the last five hours. With my thumb and finger around his wrist I slowly raise it, the weight as heavy as the one crushing my chest, and I know he's still very much asleep. I settle it against his hip and slide my body out from under the covers.  The immediate shiver I feel could be from the loss of his body heat, or it could be so much more as a flash of a memory seeps through. 

  I have to go.

  Pulling his bedroom door lightly behind me, I begin to hear a stirring from Lennox's room. I could still easily escape, make my way back to my apartment where I can either fall apart in peace or cocoon myself in a warmth of blankets and push the world further away.  But the horrid cry that I hear from the other side of her door, makes a completely different decision for me.

  My feet are racing to her, heart thudding over what could possibly be wrong.  When I push the door open, Lennox takes one look at me and stops her fussing, arms reaching out while her fingers are begging me closer. 

  My heart drops in relief. "My sweet, Lenny Lou were you just trying to get some attention?" I ask, grabbing her up.  I give a little squeeze to her bottom to find her diaper is still dry.  She curls into my chest, one hand coming up to thread her fingers through my hair.  

  By the time I've made it out to the living room, she's already back asleep. One glance between the world's most uncomfortable couch to sleep in and the recliner has me grabbing the blanket off the back of the couch and settling into the recliner without another thought. 

Curtis POV

  Having had Collins in my arms when I fell asleep last night, has me curious why I wake up with them empty again. I tune my ears to listen to her singing along to another inappropriate song, or the lithe giggles of my baby girl.  

  It's completely silent.

  Still fully dressed from the night before, I notice the bedroom door is no longer shut but replaced by being just pulled against the door frame. In the hall I notice Lennox's door wide open, crib empty, but still no sounds of life throughout the apartment.

  One step into the living room changes that. 

  The recliner is pushed back as far as it will go, Collins' eyes closed and her breathing even. Lennox is half way on her chest, nose brushed up against one side of my girlfriend's neck with her hand holding the opposite side. Both of their mouths at rest have each of their lips relaxed, mirror images of the shape on them. The blanket that I'm sure was once covering both of them has slid down to barely covering Lennox's toes in her footed pajamas.

  I take in the sight, once more feeling like the air has escaped my lungs without being crushed into the side of the boards, or letting a puck into my net. 

  Every time I get a glimpse of my daughter being adored by a woman that isn't her mother gives me the oddest feeling in my chest. Each time it's happened it's been with Collins being the one showering the little girl with love. It's as though they belong with one another.

  But after last night, I'm questioning things. Do they belong together because Collins and I belong together? Or is it merely that Collins is meant to be in Lennox's life even if it's only by being a babysitter? 

  It's the thought I'm mulling over even in the late afternoon at practice when I let in not one or two pucks, but a record shifting ten and get called into Coach's office at the end of practice. 

*It's short which after the last few chapters is probably seeming a bit strange. I really just wanted to show a bit of Collins' spiral without giving too much away at this point.