Growing up is 2 hard

"I love you, okay?"

(November 29th, Wednesday , 10:27am)
Soda's POV:
Me and Steve aren't talking much, we aren't even arguing. We're just straight up drifting away. Like this is a cliff and I'm leaning back, but he's finally letting me go. Slowly. I've been running this whole time and I finally got him to stop chasing me.

I'm currently at work which means, delivering fucking packages because I. Perfect little Soda, am a perfect little mailman. Who delivers perfect little families their perfect little packages.

I got off at two o'clock so me and the boys could head to the Randles house which was where thanksgiving would be held this year. Steve wouldn't get here until five because he was out of school, but like me, still had to work today.

After I showered, ate lunch, and picked up my babies from my mom's house, I rolled into the Randles driveway, unloaded everything and carried the babies inside. Before coming back out to take all of our stuff inside, I had went ahead and brought Steve's in too because I'm not a jerk.

I manage to smile and laugh in everyone's faces until five. It's crazy what people believe. How happy everyone else can seem. How much nobody can notice.

It felt like when my mood dropped everyone's did. We talked a little long before we went to the living room and sat down on the new couch Mrs. Randle had just flexed about.

I took the left end and Steve told the right.

"Wouldn't y'all like sit together?" Morgan questions.

We both just kinda shake our heads and glance at each other, but the stab in my heart makes me look away so fast I wanna do a double take.

The couch fills in with people between us, Morgan, Pony, Johnny. Brantley's not here and she won't be here until tomorrow because she was at Lanson's house.

Mrs. Randle sets her wine down on the counter and stomps herself in front of the couch, "if you guys are gonna act all crazy in front of all this family, well then you're gonna solve your problems in front all of us."

Well just my damn luck. The one thing I've been swinging around for years.

"Okay now y'all either start or I'll start for you like this is still fucking tenth grade." Shes starting to get upset which is extremely frightening.

When we fold our arms and just sit in silence she speaks again and picks up her wine before sitting down on her husband and crossing her legs, "go ahead Steve, since you wanna roll your eyes at me."

He only sighs before it starts spilling out of him, I'm so so happy I can't see him.

"I feel like... I'm watching you to die, real time, and being told not to care."

Oh so he knows! What a fucking surprise?!
It's not like he knows everything.

"You have a problem. A big one. Depression definitely and also probably an eating disorder. I'm not a doctor yet, but I'm not stupid either. And I used to be depressed." I can hear him nodding but it feels like he's just talking to the air, "It's like you don't even care about yourself anymore. Do you know that? Do you know what you're doing to yourself?"

Assuming it's my turn to talk I do, "of course I know what I'm doing to myself. How could I not know? But I really don't care. Who needs self-respect anyway? As long as everyone else wakes up smiling, why does it matter if I'm gonna eat that day, or go to sleep that night? Or if I am killing myself slowly and not giving a single fuck about it? As long as I look like I'm having a great time and giving everyone the Soda Show, who really cares?" Look at that we're both crying, but I would've never noticed myself crying if Morgan wouldn't have wiped my face.

"Stop trying to gaslight us into thinking that we don't care about you just because you don't want us to. You may not want help because you may not think that it'll ever get better, but it will I promise. You just have to try."

"I am trying, Steve. What does it look like I do all day?" I laugh through the tears because it's not like I can see anyway.

"No, you're not. You're trying to be some super Soda nobody knows. You don't even know him. What made you Mr. perfect was you. The way you naturally are when you were weird and dumb and chubsy. But now you're falling down and I don't think there's shit there to catch you. Honestly. I don't know what to do?" He sounds like he could pass out from exhaustion. "How did you get here?"

"I got pregnant senior year let myself do whatever I wanted for the babies, and then afterwards I lost it. At first it was a diet and a workout and a job. And it was training it was all just training. And then it was for a look, then the job turned into three jobs, and the workouts were hours a day. And once I looked like this and I thought I was the hottest thing ever. I was disgusted with myself because of everything that I had done to my body to look like this. All the meals I didn't eat. All the sleep I didn't get. All the guilt I felt for every little thing. It's awful really. Feeling myself fall apart."

I felt everyone staring at me and finally noticing how bad off I was. How terribly terrible I had gotten. That I wasn't Soda anymore.

After what felt like an eternity of silence Steve's voice is barely above a whisper, "Soda?" He doesn't wait on me to respond, "I love you, okay?"

I wish I could say the same about myself.

"Hey Steve?"

"Yeah?"

"Could I get a hug?"

It's mere seconds until I feel his warm body shoved against mine. It feels like the whole couch disappeared and I think everyone else scooted to the corner that Steve left open.

"I love you, Steve."

"I missed you so much."

I sniffle and look at him for the first time in a while, "I've been here."

"No, but dude you haven't been here." He gives me a happy kiss and sits beside me.

"I think I was gonna die without that much needed physical touch." He lets out a happy sigh.

"I wasn't gonna die, but the holes in my heart had widened that's for sure." It feels nice to have him wrapped around me again.

The room goes silent and it feels like everyone is thinking.

"Oh... well I guess we definitely got somewhere with that?"

Yeah, somewhere.

-very sad but necessary I hope Soda makes it out okay guys :( gnnnn-