Last christmas he stole my heart.
It's funny looking back. Christmas in a killing game, Who would have thought that it would have been the most magical christmas of my life?
We had a temporary truce. It was after the 3rd trial and after the loss of three more classmates we were given a bit of a grace period. Monokuma decided to give us a little christmas gift.
The halls were decked in colored lights and holly. The pool was iced over into a makeshift ice rink. He managed to make snow on a whim. In hindsight it's a shock I didn't realize something was off sooner. If I had realized it was all just a game, a simulation, then maybe I could have saved myself a lot of the grief that came after.
I can't help but go back there. Our first date, building snowmen to take our minds off our grief.
It's funny how holidays come around to remind you of what you've lost, but having someone around to share the burden can make it so much more manageable. We were two broken kids going through it and for one moment, one week of bliss, we were in love.
I remember how it started. He seemed sad, he had spent the entire game trying to cheer me up and he had just lost a close friend in Angie. I figured he needed a bit of Christmas cheer. He said he'd never really celebrated before, so I set it up; a sweet little christmas date for two. Morning broke with snowmen and snow ball fights. I hate the cold, but to this day there's nowhere I'd rather be than caught in the snow with him. Snowflakes tickling eyelashes and him by my side, better yet, sat by the fireplace side by side bundled up with hot chocolate and fresh sugar cookies. Try as I might I'll never forget that infectious laughter or his smile that could light up the darkest night sky, memories held so dear to me even now that we're through.
Now we're standing in a crowded room, friends with tired eyes, and I'm hiding from him and his soul of ice. I keep my distance but he still catches my eye and I'm sent right back to those moments under the mistletoe where my heart was stolen like the ground beneath me, sending me falling straight into his arms.
"Shuichi"
And there he is, staring at me with wide eyes.
I turn to run.
"Wait! Please! I have something I need to say!"
He grabs my wrist and I freeze.
"What do you want?"
My words come out harsh. I try my best to steady my nerves but I can't help but feel at home in his touch.
"I wanted to say I'm sorry."
I look up at him in shock. He continues,"I'm sorry, and I know it won't make up for it, for any of it, but it's true."
I stop struggling and listen.
"I regret it. I regret the way I treated you."
The look in his eyes is something I've only seen a handful of times. It's something genuine, something real. Something I can't afford to believe in.
"Then why did you do it?"
I ask, knowing that any lie, any little mistake will knock me back to my senses.
" I wanted to protect you."
And damn it if the raw emotion in his voice didn't cut so deep maybe I could have kept my distance. I feel myself slipping, falling and I try to stop myself but I can't help but let it show.
"I didn't need protecting, I needed you"
"Shuichi," his voice is soft and kind. It's pitying and remorseful and it's real and I can't help but be angry because he has no right to pity me after everything he's done. He has no right to offer comfort when he's the one that hurt me.
"I thought you were someone to rely on. I trusted you. We were both hurting and I needed you. I needed you and you left. You ran and you pulled that mastermind shit and got yourself killed and never even spared a single thought as to what that would do to me!"
I snap. I let it flow, all the bitterness, the resentment, every pent up bit of despair I have left.
"But I-"
"I was a fool to have loved you. I know my place now. I was a shoulder to cry on, nothing more. I was just someone to help you cope. I know now it meant nothing, so stop taunting me like this. Just leave me alone!"
And it hurts to say it, because I know I don't mean it.
"Ok... I will. I just- I need to get this out first. Just hear me out then we can go our separate ways and you'll never have to see me again"
He sounds so dejected it hurts.
"Fine. I'm listening. You have 5 minutes."
He let's go and I listen. My eyes meet his and I can tell before he even speaks that he's telling the truth.
"Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry because you trusted me and I ruined it. I'm sorry because you gave me a chance when no one else would and I blew it. I'm sorry because I never should have let myself get so close to you. I never should have brought you into it. I'm sorry I was weak enough to let myself love you, and I'm sorry that I still do. Even now, now that I know you'll never feel the same, I still find myself hopelessly in love with you and I know it's stupid and you hate me, but it's Christmas and on Christmas you tell the truth, so I have to share mine."
He takes a deep shuddering breath, looking down at the ground in shame, taking a moment to gather the courage to speak. The truth isn't something that comes easy to him, so I know that it's serious.
"The truth is I love you. I love you Shuichi, I love you and I always have and I always will. No matter how hard I try I can't stop loving you."
"K-kokichi" I gasp.
"I know it's been a year and you might not even remember, but I had to give my answer."
"Kichi, I..."
"You don't have to say it back, I know you hate me"
"No, that's wrong! I.. I don't hate you. I've spent a year trying and I just can't help but go back to that night. I can't hate you. I can't hate you because I love you. I love you, kokichi."
He kisses me and it's soft and sweet and it makes my heart melt. I feel his warmth defrosting my cold, dead heart and just like that I'm back, and it's me and him under the mistletoe and I'm confessing my love and this time.. This time he loves me back. This time he doesn't run. Because he never gave my heart away. It's been there all along, right by his side. And this year, he gave me his. So I'll stay by his side, because I found my real love. I'll never lose him again.
