I can count on my hand the number of times I've seen Kacchan cry. I've known him my whole life. The man doesn't cry, and when he does he doesn't let people see it.
I guess I'm an exception now.
I've seen Kacchan cry twice today. Once earlier this morning and now this.
How was I supposed to know that my forgiveness would mean so much to him? I didn't even know he needed it. I mean, sure our relationship has been a bit strained because of all the shit he's put me through, but I don't blame him. I can't blame him. I can blame the adults that never intervened, the principals and teachers that encouraged his behavior, the heroes that never batted an eye as he beat me to a pulp in broad daylight. I can blame them, but never him.
So seeing him like this now.... It's unnerving.
It feels wrong.
Everything about this feels wrong.
Kacchan is being too nice and cares way too much. That's not normal.
Aizawa didn't expel me for not having control over my quirk and being a burden to my classmates.
That's not normal.
People have been kind about my situation and no one seems to be mad at me.
It's like the universe suddenly decided to right all its wrongs at the worst possible time because now that people care my maladaptive coping mechanisms are going to show and the carefully built facade I've crafted all goes to shit.
But if the universe has shifted off its axis, maybe I can have fun falling before I hit the ground.
"Kacchan?"
"Izuku?"
"Can I have a hug?"
That was too far.
I'm gonna die.
He's gonna kill me.
But then he doesn't. He wraps his arms around me and I rest my head on his chest.
This is unexpected.
I must be dreaming. There's no way this is real.
"I wish this wasn't a dream"
"The fuck you talking about nerd"
"I'm dreaming. You would never be this nice to me in real life"
He gives a small chuckle, which proves my theory. Real Kacchan would have killed me by now.
"You're not dreaming deku"
I pout. Dream Kacchan is lying. There's no way this is real.
"You don't have to lie to me. I know it's not real."
I say, snuggling into him. Might as well enjoy it while it lasts. I don't know how I managed to have a dream that wasn't a horrific nightmare, but I doubt it'll happen again so I'll milk it for all it's worth.
He hesitates as he lets me go.
"You're not dreaming Izuku"
Hearing him say my real name makes me cringe. It seems so foreign coming out of his mouth. It feels wrong, nice-ish, but wrong.
Intending to prove him wrong I decide that the only way to prove I'm dreaming is to do something that would usually hurt. I would pinch myself, but with all the nerve damage in my arms it's unlikely I'd feel it. So instead I dig my nails into my thighs, right were I knew I had freshly formed scars.
Spoiler alert- it hurt like a fucking bitch.
"Ow! Fuck!"
"The fuck you do that for"
Then the shock set in.
"Holy shit this is real"
If I thought his laughter was weird before this is batshit crazy because it's genuine laughter, like when we were kids. Dejavú hits me like a sledgehammer.
"No shit Sherlock, I told you you're not dreaming"
I'm at a loss for words and am left spluttering out gibberish before I manage to say something cohesive,"But you're being so nice"
He shoots me a quizzical look,"And? We're friends now"
He looks at me like that explains everything, like I should get it now. But it doesn't explain anything and I don't even know where to start.
"But what changed? You hated my guts before, why now?"
He sighs. Fucking sighs! Calmly! What?!
Then he speaks and it comes out in a soft sort of gentle cadence, "A few things.... If I answer your questions you have to answer some of mine, deal?"
I mull over the question. I should say no. This is a bad idea. Kacchan is smart and perceptive and if he can ask any question he wants he'll know exactly what to ask that'll get me in trouble and spill exactly how not ok I am. But I'm curious so I agree,
"That's fair"
He hesitates, glancing side to side making sure we're really alone, "Ok, you better swear not to tell anyone else this"
"I swear"
"If you tell anyone you're dead, got it!"
"Got it"
He hesitates again, looking like a kid about to rip off a fucking bandaid, anticipating the hurt.
"Ok, so I've been going to therapy and it's helped me realize a lot of shit"
It rushes out and takes a moment to process but when I process it, it somehow makes sense?
"That's actually a really responsible thing to do. Im proud of you"
He breathes a sigh in relief knowing that his turn is over, "Yeah, yeah whatever. Now you have to answer one of my questions honestly"
Why did I do this to myself.
No going back now, "Ok, shoot"
"Why haven't you been eating. Last time I asked you lied to my face, which makes me think it's a good place to start."
And there it is again.
"Oh my god, you're really not letting this go! Should have known this would be a trap"
"Hey, you promised dipshit"
And I did. I did promise. So I tell the truth... not the full truth, but not a lie either.
"I already told you, I feel sick"
He looks unimpressed, "Yeah, but this has been going on for weeks, there has to be more to it than that"
"There really isn't"
The more I think about it the less of a lie it seems. At this point anytime I eat something I throw it back up.
"So you're telling me you've felt like shit for a little over a fucking month now"
He's starting to get frustrated, which makes him sound more like the Kacchan I know. It's a double-edged sword.
"I mean, that's one way to put it yeah"
"And you haven't told anyone?"
"I mean, why would I?"
"Because thats what normal people do when they have a problem"
"Oh please, like you wouldn't do the same"
"Fair e-fucking-nough"
————-
"My turn! What type of shit did you realize?"
"Ugh, don't make fun of me"
"You know I won't"
Kacchan sighed, "I realized I care about you, that you're an important part of my life and no matter how hard I try to keep my distance I need you. I need you in my life, you're like a brother to me. I can't describe it, it's like I just have this inherent need to protect you. When you tried to... yknow, when you did that it really fucked me up. Seeing you like that.."
Hearing him this vulnerable the guilt hits me full force. He shouldn't have had to see me like that. Why am I always such a burden.
"Kacchan, I'm so sorry I didn't know. I never meant for you to find me"
"Yeah, well I'm glad I did. You could have died"
The room falls silent for a moment, the weight of Kacchan's confession lingering in the air. He looks away, trying to hide his tears and save face.
"I didn't expect you to care," I mumble, "I thought you hated me."
"I did hate you," he pauses to think, "or at least, I thought I did. Therapy helped me sort through some of that shit."
I nod, trying to process his words. The tension between us is palpable, but there's a glimmer of something new, something I haven't felt in a long time: hope.
"Look, Deku, I'm not good with words and emotions and shit. But I don't want you to... you know, end up like that again."
He stands up, clearly uncomfortable with the emotional territory we've entered. As he heads to the door, he adds, "And don't think this means I like you or anything. I just... don't want you dead, that's all."
"Love you too Kacchan"
Kacchan shifts uncomfortably, crossing his arms. "Look, don't get all mushy about it. I still think you're a dumbass, but you're my dumbass, got it?"
I laugh, "got it"
"Todoroki is coming with soup and you better eat it fuckface"
"Ok, Mom"
"Fuck off"
And with that he leaves and I'm left to sort through everything that just happened.
We're friends again. Kacchan and I are friends again and Kacchan cares about me and he's going to help me and everything is going to be ok now because He's here. I'm safe.
Against my better judgement I allow myself to drift off to sleep while I wait for Todoroki. It doesn't last long, but it's a comforting dreamless sleep.
For the first time in a long time I feel myself healing. You know what they say about rock bottom, there's no where to go but up, and someone just let down a rope. It's gonna be a hell of a climb, but I just might make it.
