How Could You? (Souyo)

Peace of Mind

Yu's POV:

It's three o'clock in the morning, and I haven't slept at all.

Because all I can see is Dojima, the knife, and my bloodied hands. Dojima, knife, hands.

It's such a vivid memory and it plays on repeat in my mind.

My brain just won't shut off.

It's almost like I can still feel it. The weight of the knife in my palms, the blood stuck to my hands.

I have to double-check to make sure it's not reality.

I look over to Yosuke.

He's out like a light.

...He didn't have to stay, but... I'm glad he did. I mean, of course I am, but... I don't want him to see me like this. He wouldn't understand.

I shake my head, checking my cell.

JunezPrince2000: sry cant tlk
2nite

JunezPrince2000: sum1 needs me

JunezPrince2000: ttyl

I clutch the phone in my hands.

He... really choose me over Yuna?

My body warms a little. I must mean something to him, right?

I feel dirty; sitting over here, pretending to be the girl he likes.

But he can't like her that much. Not if... I'm his top priority.

I smile at myself, and then the flashing comes.

Dojima, the knife, my bloodied hands.

My heart thuds against my ribcage, and the entire room goes silent.

Fuck...

I jump out of the futon, running to the bathroom.

~~~

I quickly splash my face with the icy water, just wishing it'll all go again.

I wash it again and again, until I genuinely feel fresh.

And then I stare at myself in the mirror.

How could I do that to him?

How could I hurt my own uncle?

He took me in. I wouldn't say he liked me all that much, but... He's still my uncle.

And I've sent him to hospital. I'm in his house, enjoying his luxuries. It doesn't feel right.

Poor Nanako, too...

How is she supposed to forgive me now?

...I wish I never stole the files in the first place. Back in June, things were different. I felt love. I loved my uncle, even if he didn't feel the same. I was grateful to him, but... I always had a soft spot for Yosuke. ...And that's what lead to the mistrust.

I swallow hard.

I was blinded by Yosuke.

But I'm not, now.

He knows, now, whether he likes it or not. He knows I like guys. He found out about me and Kanji, and... Ha... Maybe he even knows I like him, too.

Though, I doubt he'd still be here if he knew.

I did something stupid for him. But I know I'd do it again. Just to feel worthy.

I pick at the skin on my lip.