a glimmer of hope

A Letter in Five Years // five year update

it had been five years since peter had died.
my beautiful baby avra is five years old. my other gorgeous girl, ayla is five. i moved back to philadelphia nearly a year after i had alya. something about being in that townhouse felt wrong. it was like i could never get better because i was stuck in where it happened. every corner i went, it reminded me of quinn. my mom lives with me a couple months of the year. she helps out with the girls a lot.
being a single mother is hard. especially, when my girls were babies. i didn't really focus on me until they were toddlers.
i moved from the ER to a clinic, that way i get as much time with my girls as i can. they're so gorgeous. they're my favourite. they both look like peter a lot. ayla especially. she has those bright blue eyes that captivate you. everyday i remind them about their daddy. they know he's watching them, loving them from up above. we all feel him. i catch glimpses of him everyday. he's in the stars that shine just a little bit brighter from the rest, or the rainbows that come through the windows. i look at my girls, and i feel him. he's here, you just can't see him.
for a couple years, i felt guilty for the death of peter. it was so easy to put all them blame on myself, or the CIA. it took a lot to get where i am right now. i think i'll ask god why this happened to me for the rest of my life. i'm not sure that i'll ever truly understand why this happened to quinn of all people, even though i know the answer to that. as of right now, it's learning about how to cope and move around my loss. i cherish the current moment rather than trying to change the past. and everyday, i'm slowly letting go of the past instead of grasping onto it. it's all over. i know peter left a long time ago, something about it never felt right, though. it probably won't ever feel right.
that day, the day i sat in the front pew of that church, i left myself there.
i was broken.
just like peter left on that hospital gurney back in berlin.
i knew he wasn't coming back.
i learned that telling yourself everything happens for a reason isn't a healthy way to live. not everything is the right thing and maybe not everything is meant to happen. i was meant to meet peter, though. i'll still trying to learn how to live with the consequences of not having him. it's hard, but after five years and with my two greatest gifts, it's getting better. it's taken a lot, but i forgive you, quinn.