Learning Curves: A Poetry Collection

Glass

Guilt pouring over me in streams.
A fragile state of mind, I made it worse.
I've been down this road before. Why choose the wrong path?
I've been down this road before, I didn't like the journey
Rocky and steep, difficult to tear through.
Bristles scratching me, leaving me scarred, broken.

"I'm sorry" tumbles from trembling lips.
It's not enough, not to me.
Sorry means nothing. Sorry: A single useless word
Promise is a word too, a word worth nothing, a word I don't believe in.
I stopped believing a long time ago.

Why do some words mean more than others?
Actions speak louder than words.
Do they? I don't know.

You are depressed and insecure, I only seemed to make it worse.
Not on purpose but I did nonetheless. There's no excuse.
And I wish I understood.
I do to some extent but not the way you do.

He was like this too: Sensitive, fragile, a shard of glass.
Beautiful, useful, dangerous: A reflection of everyone and everything else.
A reflection of trauma not healed, words with no closure.
Forgiveness with no apology uttered.
An ugly clone.

You are glass, He was too.
It never ended well. I still try.

My savior complex ruins me. It ruins you too.
Neither of us pull away. We're too afraid
We need that comfort. We cling to this thing that hurts us.
Comfort is our addiction. It's worse than heroin.

You and him, two of the same,
And I, who knows better, goes down the same route anyway.

I care too much. It sucks to care.
To care for someone who doesn't want you too
To care for someone who refuses to admit that they really do.
Apathy would be easier, easier to simply not care
To scoff in the face of your distress, to relax in the waning midnight hours.

It's not you I'm scared of only of how toxic this could become.
I'm too attached and all you do is pull away. 
Isolation is a killer and you're killing me.
Crush my heart, ruin my mind yet l stand by your side without reason.

Anxiety ravaging my mind. Do you hate me?
Are you hurting, refusing to admit it?
Will I have to talk you down a cliff like I have with the others
To talk about the lows while you ignore the highs?

Do I really want to be a therapist? This shit's exhausting.
You are my patient. I have no license. 

I want to be numb again. I'm lying.
I'm sick of emotion. I thrive off of feelings.
I need a break. This is what keeps me going.
I yearn to help people. I die inside everytime I do.

When is it my turn to be cared about in the same way?
When is it my turn to have someone else lead me from the fray?
 
I want to fall in love - Those I attract don't want me.
I don't know why I cling to emotional unavailability
I can fix them. I can't.
A savior complex, my life's a shipwreck.

A reflection of my youth, unstable attachment styles
An absent mother and father, look what you did to your daughter.

I'm just a friend.
Nothing...
Nothing...
Nothing...

Lead me on once, Twice, Thrice, Four
How am I supposed to keep score?
I know my worth, do you know yours?
You offer a kiss, I'm closing this door.
I'm not a doormat, do you know that?

Sometimes I have dark thoughts - I tell no one.
The blade is tempting, my skin's too pure.
I'm sick of being slapped in the face with life
I need the world to be still.
It never is, It never will be.
It keeps spinning on an axis, I chase along in desperation.
"Please let me rest. Please let me rest," I say (Oct 2022)