Learning Curves: A Poetry Collection

Pain

You'll never get it. Never get the pain, the fatigue, the feeling deep in your core that something is wrong. But nothing you find matches quite right.                                                                         You have a novel of symptoms but your doctors just tell you that Google is unreliable. The blood tests came back normal.                                                                                             Psychiatrists say your daily struggles are derived from the Anxiety and Depression, diagnoses you've had for years. Not a neurodivergent disorder you know you have to have
You've always been a straight-A student So how could you have Autism or ADHD?
But what about the not being able to focus if people are whispering?                                           A pencil tapping, the light's too bright, the teacher's voice is too grating, my hands are getting shaky, I'm getting overwhelmed, tears are burning my eyes, my throat is closing up. I ask to use the bathroom just to escape.
I hate the TV. I would fucking destroy the damn thing if I could. In my own home the TV is too loud. Open-concept causing the noise to spread everywhere. My door closed isn't enough to keep it out. "Can you turn the TV down?" Can't be in the kitchen if the TV is on. Too loud. I hate the TV.              
Don't touch me. I hate people touching me unless I am well prepared. My grandma can give me hugs. A lover can hold my hand or kiss me. A doctor can perform their examinations. That's it.                                                                                                                                           Rub my back, I'll shudder. Grab my arm, I'll scoot away. Pat my shoulder, I'll shrug you off. Try to put a hand on my back to lead me somewhere— I can walk on my Fucking own. DON'T TOUCH ME.
I've never been good at making friends. There's no secret to it. "Put yourself out there." Wonderful advice for someone with social anxiety.                                                                        Left on read. No response. "Can I sit with you?" Yes but they'll ignore you for the whole lunch period. Can't get a word in. Repeat the joke so someone will hear but in hindsight it's annoying.                                      Everyone on the sports team or in the club are closer with each other. You can't join the clique. It's supposed to be easy yet I'm on the outskirts wishing it was.                                                                               
Pain. Constant pain. In my neck, down my back, shoulders, legs, everywhere. I'm in chronic pain but I'm used to it so no one knows. The blood tests came back normal. The neck and shoulder pain is from pre-existent neck issues & surgeries - Nothing to worry about. What about the leg pain? Doctor assumes it's because of my period. They're tense and I need to move them. Sometimes they hurt so bad it's hard to walk. The pain makes me tired. Chronic fatigue. I lay in bed for most of the day. 3 hours of class and I'm bed-ridden for the next 6. I nod off while in class, my eyes barely able to stay open. There's something wrong with me. But I'm smart, young and successful so I'm fine. Right? I'm fine. But I'm not and I wish someone would just fucking see that for once! (Fall 2023)