Dear Doc ( MC No limits Book 4)

Chapter 13

Doc

"Dear Doc,
I know that I could never tell you what I want to your face, so I'm writing down what I would say to you if I were brave enough. I was a happy child until my mother decided to leave dad to make up for lost time... that's what she called it. I came to her after the court decided that I would be better off there. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. Mom started drinking heavily shortly after the breakup and neglected me a lot. Father tried again and again to go to court to bring me in, but the law obviously ignored his signs and rejected him every time. The system doesn't work well for everyone, including me. Mother had new men in the house every day, not only did they start drinking, but they also took drugs. And so it happened that one day the neighbor with whom she had a relationship abused me and in the panic when I screamed, he cut my throat. I almost didn't survive... sometimes I wish I had died then. When I came to father afterwards, I was no longer myself. My physical recovery took months, but the mental aspect remained to this day. Father was plagued by feelings of guilt, even though he did everything to get me out. I don't blame him. Mom is fault. That's why I understand you when you say your dreams haunt you. Mine me too. Some things you can never forget or get over, but you learn to live with them. That's why I wanted the best for Piper and not to be like my mom. That's my worst fear, failure."

I read Emily's words about her childhood that I didn't know and understood so many things she said to me during our therapy sessions. Her concern for the dreams I had so long after I left the SEALs. And my guilt as my poor friend died. Her words about her father Roger were heartwarming, she loved him very much and he helped her live. I didn't know anything about all of this, and now when I knew it my heart broke with pain because of her. She was an incredible woman and a great mom... I have seen them her and Piper, she was a happy child. My sadness seemed even harder when I remembered the little girl. Piper was such an blessing I really loved the Kid, and now she won't even remember me anymore.

"Dear Doc,
A man in pain can destroy anything around him, but he chooses to destroy himself. I understand your pain, I feel the same. If you only knew how many times I stayed up at night thinking about a way to make myself better for you. To help you see what an incredible man you are. I tried everything to help you heal in a way that I was helped myself. If I had managed to show you how I see you, then you would understand how unique you are. It was always you, from the first day I met you I understood all the things they said about love. I didn't love Dominik, I loved being noticed. The girl who was never noticed because of her past. It was a mistake that only hurt me more, but pain is nothing foreign to me."

I took a deep breath the more I read about her thoughts and feelings. Oh Emily Love didn't hurt you. Someone who didn't know how to love you hurt you. Don't confuse the two.

"Dear Doc Do you believe in fate? I don't think we met by chance. The universe must have had something in mind when it crossed our paths. Piper told me that you fixed her knee. She said you were handsome... oh and how you are. I saw you today as you sat on the front porch...I think I can hardly breathe standing in front of you, you don't even know how cute you are"

I remembered Piper's little accident and her saying that I looked like Mom's TV boyfriend. That could have been me in real life. Not just her boyfriend, I could have been so much more.

"Dear Doc,
I can't do that... acting like we're just friends... or acquaintances. I think about you all the time, everything I accomplish and do in my life just leads to thinking about what you would say. How you would react if you knew all my thoughts. All my feelings for you. But I'm just your therapist, what kind of person would I be if I couldn't be professional. I wonder if you've ever seen me as a woman... or perhaps thought of me."

All the time Emily... every damn day! The tears in my eyes burned as I realized what I was facing and didn't know.

"Dear Doc,
Today you asked me why I'm avoiding you. And I wasn't lying when I said I'm too emotionally attached. But I'm not tied to the community alone, more to you. The thought of disappointing you all was difficult for me. I'm there to help, not to put more burden on you. I failed... and I am sorry. If everything went different maybe I could be friends with the girls. They are great women and your community is a big family I never had. Imagine me being a part of something so great. I imagined it so many times."

I did too Emily...You would be perfect for us all. I imagined it so many times ,you beeing one of the ol Ladys.

" Dear Doc
If death showed up at your door what would you say?
I think I would hug him, death is not what I fear. Living in a cage of pain is more fearful. And learning that I will never see you and dad again is the cage that will trap me in my loneliness until death .
Dominik took more from me than he even knows.Him threatening me isn't the thing that makes me upset.He destroyed me when he came back in my life."

I leaned my head back and sobbed like a child. Her pain was so great and I couldn't help her. Oh Emily you didn't fail I did.
Duke was right, I'm a coward. If I had taken the first step it would never have come to this.My fear of loosing ended in a disaster.

"Dear Doc
Today I read a poem when I came back from your place.
Someday, all the love you've given to the wrong people will find it's way back to you in someone who's waited their whole life for your kind of love.
I hope you find your happiness, I wish it to you with all my heart.I couldn't handle seeing you with another woman, so I'm glad Duke agreed to leave earlier than planned.
Tonight I'll come to you and make a memory for myself, a memory of what could have been. To keep it as my hidden happiness,for eternity.
You will never know how much I love you and how much I longed to call you by your name. I said it so many times alone.... Ryan.
My Ryan, maybe in another life.
I give this life to Piper and do everything to make her happy. Until then I long for death because after death, the human brain lives for seven minutes, to replay it's best memories.
And you and Piper would be my seven minutes.
If you knew all this, would you want me? Would it change anything? Would I still be only dr.Owen to you? Would it change anything if you knew how I feel about you?How much I love you.
Would you look for me in another life? And how long would you look for me?..."

I threw the book against the wall screaming as I saw her tears on the last paige smearing the ink and looked at Ace who was standing at the door.He glanced from the book back to me and shook his head.
I could barely breathe because of the sobs that were escaping me and he just looked at me.I was overwhelmed by everything, learning her thoughts and feelings in this way..reading her diary wasn't what was right, it was all her deepest secrets.But that's all I have left of her and I clung to it with  both my hands.
"She...she's gone," I said tremblingly and he sat down on the bed next to me.
" I'm worried about you Doc.You are here sitting around since two days already..She's with Duke. He left it there for a reason...do you know the reason now?" He asked as he looked at the book.
To show me what I've lost? To show me what a coward I actually am?
"Duke is many things...but he is a brother. He loves us all more than he would ever admit. Think about it" Ace said as he patted me on the shoulder.
The pain I felt was indescribable. Her written words ran through my head and my thoughts raced, leading me astray.
I put my face in my palms and breathed heavily.I have read every single Word not once but a couple of times in the last two days.And I couldn't find anything that would explain to me why Duke left this Book for me.He didn't text me or call me.His phone was still off..I tried to call him so many times by now.
What the hell am I supposed to do now?
The slamming of my front door made us both look up as we heard heavy footsteps running up the stairs.
King ran into the room and looked from me to Ace, completely upset.
"We have a damn problem! Tom called and we need to meet him immediately." He said to which Ace stood up and King continued to look at me.
"You too...it's about your girl" he said to me, which got my attention.
"What's going on?" Ace asked him worried.
"They know where Duke and Emily are," he said, which made my eyes widen.
" Who?" Ace asked angrily.
"Fucking Dominik," King replied, still out of breath.