A Story. (Phan)

9

((WARNING:mentions of self harm))

Dan

It was confirmed. Official.

I opened the door to our apartment and burst into tears.

Why was I so sad, you ask? That happens to everyone, right? Everyone will have at least one person cheating on them.

But the thing was, Phil wasn't like that. He was not like that at all. Well, at least I thought so. I loved Phil so much, so so very much. I felt like he was the one. I felt like I wanted to stay with him for the rest of my life. The worst part was, that he made me think that the feelings were mutual. But apparently not.

I rushed to my bedroom and opened my desk drawer.

It has to be here somewhere.

I couldn't stand all of the psychical pain anymore. I needed a release. If the physical pain is stronger than the mental one, it distracts you. Its just like sounds. If one sound hurts you, you just have to scream louder so you won't be able to hear it.

I finally found what I was looking for.

((WARNING: this is where the triggers begins))

A pencil sharpener.

I used my nails to unscrew the little screw, that was holding the blade in place. I took the blade out and pulled my sleeve up.

I haven't done this in such a long time. I almost forgot how it felt. I've been clean for years, the years that I spent with Phil.i knew it was wrong, but I didn't see any other way out.

I took a deep breath in... and cut.

Once.

It hurt so much, but it felt so good.

Twice.

I went deeper this time. Small red bubbles started to form in my skin.

Three times.

Drops of warm red liquid started ro run down my hand. I was numb from all the pain. The release felt so good. I was concentrating 100% on the pain. I bit my lip so I wouldn't scream, feeling the blade slowly run through my skin.

Four, five, six times...

And then I felt the blade being knocked out of my hand and strong arms wrapped around me.

Phil.

I started shaking. Why was he here? He was sobbing into my shoulder. Why was he crying? I couldn't bring myself to hug him back. Salty tears warmed up my cheeks. How could he do this to me?

I hated him.

But I loved him more.

I was so angry.

But I was happy that he was here. I was happy that he cared enough to at least check on me.

I wanted to push him off.

But I just couldn't, because I loved the feeling of his strong arms around me.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" He sobbed against my shoulder.

"Isn't it obvious?" I said quietly.

I couldn't do it anymore. He still wanted to make me feel like he has feelings for me, but I knew it was fake.

I pushed him off. "What are you doing here?" I asked coldly. Tears were still streaming down my face, falling off of my chin onto the damaged skin on my wrist. When salty water hit the wounds, it burnt like hell, but I just ignored it.

"There is just s-so much to explain" he whispered shakily under his breath.

I sighed. "No, Phil. There is nothing to explain. I understand everything. Go away, leave me alone."

"No Dan!" He whimpered, "There is everything to explain. Please listen to me, you have to-"

"Phil, I'm, serious. Go away."

"But, Dan-"

"Phil! Stop! Can't you see what you're doing to me? You're braking me, and I don't want us to be like this! I can't forgive you. Not after this. If I take you back, you'll just keep doing this, again and again, until I fucking kill myself. Phil, leave. Please leave, I can't stand you here. Get out!"

He stood up, shaking. He was giving up.

"I love you, Dan. And I just wanted to tell you that one last time before I leave, probably forever. This wasn't my choice, Dan, but I know I will never get a chance to explain everything. You hate me, I know that, but I love you. I love you."

And then he ran out of the room, leaving me alone. I curled up into a ball on the floor, hugging my knees and pressing them against my chest.

"I love you too," I whispered. My sobbing became louder, until it turned into crying.

In a few hours of intense crying, sleep finally took me away.