A Story. (Phan)

14

((WARNING: bit homophobic))

Dan

Almost exactly twenty minutes later, I heard a knock on the door. My mum was never late. How does she even manage to do that?

I stood up from a sofa and checked myself in the mirror one last time. I looked tired, but it wasn't as bad as before. Good. I really didn't want to stress my mum out.

I heard another knock on the door, louder this time.

"I'm coming!" I shouted. I fixed my hair so it was covering as much of my face as possible. Then I went down the hallway to open the door.

"Daniel!" She squeezed me into a tight hug. She was a lot shorter than me. I wrapped my arms around her, her head resting on my chest.

"Hi, mum." I said smiled to myself. I missed these hugs. Me and my mum were never really close, because of the events that happened in the past. I tried to push the past away and still act like her son, but it just wasn't that easy.

"Oh my god, I haven't seen you in such a long time!" She took a step back so she could look at me properly. "Is everything alright with you? You seem... tired." She noticed.

I smiled weakly at her. I tried my best to make it look convincing, but I failed. My face muscles didn't work anymore apparently.

"Yeah, mum I'm fine. Don't worry."

She looked into my eyes, her look was full of worry. She placed her hand on my shoulder. "Come on, lets talk inside" she said softly.

"Mum, there's nothing wrong, I can handle it. Im 21, I'll be okay."

She sighed. "Dan... Please let me help. I hate to see you like this. Come on, lets go inside. Is Phil home?"

Phil.

The name kept ringing in my ears.

My eyes started watering. Fuck fuck fuck fuck don't do this now! I bit my lip and looked away, praying for my mom not to notice it.

"Dan... Is it about-"

"No mum. I-I'm-" a tear escaped my eye, but I quickly wiped it off.

She grabbed my hand and pulled me inside, then closed the door behind us.

"Lets just sit on the sofa and talk it out, okay? Come here." She said and sat me down on the sofa.

I sat down. I threw my arms around her and buried my face into her shoulder. Quiet sobs started escaping my mouth. She wrapped her small arms around me protectively.

"Shhhh, darling, it's alright. What's making you so sad?"

"Fuck, I can't-"

"Daniel! Language!"

"I'm sorry. This is just too much. I can't tell you."

"Why is that so?" She asked, confused.

Just tell her. It's not like it matters anymore.

"You know what, mum?" I pushed her away and stood up. "I will tell you exactly why. Do you remember when I was fourteen?"

"Yes, of course I do."

"Well, when I was fourteen I told you something. Do you remember that?"

She sighed. "Daniel I-"

"You what? You and my father rejected to believe that. You didn't like who I truly was, because I wasnt the perfect son you always wanted! You fucking rejected your fourteen year old son, after he finally found enough courage to come out. You hit him. You told him that he is wrong."

"Daniel stop-"

"No. I will not stop. Do you realize what you put me through? You told me that I was going to grow out of it, but you know what? Seven years later, I'm still the same me. Your wrong son. That's just who I am." I didn't realize that I was almost yelling. I wiped my eyes with the back of my sleeve. "That's why. That's why I couldn't tell you."

There was a long awkward silence. She was sitting down, fiddling her finger, biting her lip. She was looking at the floor. Her eyes were watery, while my face was covered in salty tears.

She let out a long sigh. "Dan, you know that I can't support your decision-"

"Of fucking course. A decision. I just don't understand why nobody can accept me for who I am. Not even my own mother. Thanks a lot." My voice kept breaking every now and then.

I hated it. I hated how weak I was. I hated that I couldn't just stand up for myself.

"If you really want to know what happened... Phil left, okay? He left me. And maybe you should also know that we were together. Hate me all you want but I love him with all of my heart. He ran of with a girl, if you really want to know. And he's never coming back. That's why I'm like this."

She moved her hair behind her ear with two fingers. "Look Daniel, he probably realized that he is really straight and he wanted to be normal. Maybe you should try-"

"Normal? You know what, this was nice but I will need to ask you to leave." I said. "I need to be alone. Please, leave."

She stood up and walked out. As simple as that. She didn't care. She didn't look back once. She muttered a quiet 'goodbye Daniel' and shut the door behind herself.

I collapsed on the floor. I hugged my legs so they were pressed against my chest and rested my forehead against my knees.

Oh, I'm sure there's someone who loves you, people say.

But who, exactly?

My family? No, because I'm gay. It's ironic how my parents are the only homophobic people in the whole city, and yet they have a gay son. How ironic.

Phil? At least I thought so. But now he ran off with someone else. And that hurt more like anything I have ever experienced in my whole life.

My friends? I mean yeah, they care, but they're giving up on me now when I need them the most.

So theres noone?

Pretty much, yeah.

But Phil... He was so easy to believe to. He was so special, he made me feel like I was special too. I still remembered how I felt when I was around him. And it felt fucking amazing. I wouldn't change a thing about it. But now it's all over.

So... do I have anything left?

No.

No, I don't.

And that was when I realized that it was for the best to just end it all.

I couldn't go on without him.