Alone // luke hemmings

Chapter 29

Luke's POV

Its now or never. I could always lie to her, but no... That would only make things worse now.

"W-what is it Luke?" She ask me with her voice that she used when she was nervous. I already feel more guilt than I did before... If that was even possible.

"Look I was drunk and we were out a-and one thing led to another and I found myself with another gir-" I began to say as her eyes begin to fill with tears.

"Don't finish. I already know whats next. We're over. I never wanna see you again" She says and hang up.

I feel my inside crumble down. I already knew this was gonna happen, but it hurt so much more when those words left her mouth. It was worse than before. Maybe because this time I cheated and I felt more guilty. This pain was like no other. It was unbearable. I look down at my hands and see that they're shaking. What if she makes me stay away from my baby? What if they're gone when I come back? I don't wanna loose my baby too. I already felt bad enough, but I deserve it. I deserve the hate, the guilt, but mostly the pain. Her's and mine. I felt it all. It washed my insides like a big tsunami of emotions that I couldn't control. I wanted to cry, to hide away, to punch something and let all me anger away. I made my way to the bathroom I feel thanks to a book that was on the floor. Feeling enough bad about myself, I didn't have the energy to stand up, so I just stayed there... I think the boys knew I wanted privacy, since I was the only one on the bus. I took advantage of the situation and did exactly what I wanted to. I let all my emotions and feelings out. Without noticing my cheeks were already soaking wet. I began to sob loudly without stop. I felt my throat tighten and I couldn't breath. I try to control my breathing and sobs but it only made them worse. I couldn't breath at all and my sobs were getting harder and harder. I took ahold of one of the legs of the bunkers and tried to pull myself from the floor and breath, but failed to it. I just feel harder and I began to son harder and louder if that was possible. I brought my knees to my chest while laying down. How did Emma got rid of the pain last time? I need to find a way to relieve the pain. I start punching the floor until my knuckles crack open. Why did I cheat on her? She is the only reason I'm happy. Without her I'm just a big, depressed mess. Not many people know, but I suffer from really bad depression, and the first time Emma left me it was really bad, but this time its too much. Too much for me to contain. I need release. I stand up from the floor and begin kicking and punching everything I see. I need to feel psychical pain to forget about the emotional one, as bad as that sounds, its true. I walk into the bathroom and find my Gillette. I take out the blade and look at it for a long time. Should I? And without noticing I was already running it through my wrist. It hurt, a lot, but not as much as the hurt I had in my chest. I slide the blade in my wrist uncontrollably until it was full and went to the other one, until I couldn't fee nothing. Nothing but the pain on my wrists. I saw the blood run down my hands and my mind got lost in it. I didn't want to think about anything other than the blood. I didn't want to think about the pain. I just want it to end. I wanna die because I made the girl I love with all my life hurt 2 times. And now I was experiencing real pain... I don't know how it would feel like for her but I don't think anything can compare to what I'm feeling. I am shattered. My soul is shattered. I'm not gonna be alright until I see her again, until I hear her voice, until I feel her skin. Every second feeling like this is torture. I can't escape the pain that is starting to bubble again in my chest. Even if I cut, I wont be able to escape from this pain. I can't imagine my life without her. What if Jude grows up without me? What if when I come back from tour, they're not there? What if they disappear forever from my life? I wouldn't be able contain that pain. I would kill myself if that happened. I just love both of them so much. What will happen if I kill myself right now? Will she hurt? I think not. But what if she does? I don't wanna hurt her anymore than I have already. But I can't with this. I can't bear with the pain and guilt. She'll never take my back. I wash my hands and look at the blade more forcefully than before. What if I slit my throat? What if I make a cut deep enough to end my life? I hear the boys enter the bus and I rush. Its now Luke. You gotta do it. She'll hate you forever so whats the point? You won't be able to see her or Jude. Both of them are the reasons you breath. Should I?

"Luke?" Ashton says pounding at the door. "Luke?" He says after a few minutes.

Should I or shouldn't I?

"Luke open the goddamn door now" Michael says as the pounding becomes too loud. I bring both hands to cover my ears. I heat the door handle rattle and the sound of keys. I slide the blade deep enough on my skin and I see a see of blood coming out of my wrist. The door opens and the boys look at me then at my wrists.

"I'm sorry" I say and begin to sob. Then my heads hits the floor and everything turns dark.

*~*~*

Voices screaming. Thats all I hear. Voices. I recognize Ashton's voice. But all of the other one's are strange and new to me. Did I die? Is that it? I hope so, but I don't think so. I try to talk, scream for help, but no sounds come out of my mouth. I try to move my arms and legs, but its like I'm paralyzed. I'm there, but I'm not there. Its like I'm in an eternal trance. I hear, I feel, but I can't see, or respond in any way.

*~*~*

I wake up in a completely white room and the sound of beeping machines behind me. I feel a cold hand rest on top of mine and look at the person holding it. My eyes fill with confusion until I recognize who it is.

"Erin? What are you doing here?" I ask her and she giggles.

"Nice to see you too Lucifer"