Losing Control✓ (New Adult Romance)

Chapter Fourteen

It's seven o'clock before I eat. I sit alone in my bedroom with the door closed, listening to Florence + the Machine and devouring a blueberry muffin. Back in the beginning stages of my anorexia nervosa, I always went on a binging fest after a long day of restricted eating. My therapist said it was a way for my body to make up the calories, but right now, it feels terrifying more than anything else. Like I can't stop, even when I want to.

Luckily, I don't have much to eat in my dorm room. Only two low-fat yogurts and half of a banana remain in my fridge. Just as I start on the banana, a soft knocking comes at the door. It's so quiet, I barely hear it beyond my music. I click off the song and pull out my headphones.

"Yeah?" I say.

"Can I come in?" It's Rebecca, her voice more timid than usual.

I take another bite of banana, chewing slowly. Then, I move it back into the fridge and hide it behind the yogurts. A sudden guiltiness wraps around my waist, feeling thick and heavy.

"Addie?" she asks.

"Yeah, you can come in," I say finally. My palms start to sweat before I'm done speaking. All I can think about is last night and the vodka and Lex's scrunched face as he pulled away from me.

"Hey," she says. She shuts the door and takes a seat at my desk, momentarily fiddling with one of my pencils.

"Hi," I say. It's probably the moment when I should apologize for taking out my embarrassment on Rebecca. My tongue feels thicker than my guilt though, so I remain silent.

"I talked to Lex," she says. "He's not mad about last night."

"You talked to Lex?" I repeat, my irritation immediately flaring. I wrap my hands across my stomach and stare out my tiny window. There are students down below, milling about and huddling together despite the heat.

"Don't be mad," says Rebecca. "I just wanted to get his opinion on the situation."

"So you've both agreed that it was all my fault," I say, snapping my head in her direction. I can tell I'm being too irritable, but I can't help myself. My mind is a horrible mixture of embarrassment and exhaustion and anger.

"Jesus, Addie," says Rebecca. "Can you let me say anything?"

I slowly chew on my tongue and again let my attention wander out the window.

"He's not mad that he had to watch over you," says Rebecca, her words coming quickly, as though she knows I'll interrupt again. Before I can, she continues, "But he is mad that I got you into the whole situation. So I'm sorry."

The enflamed part of my mind wants to point out that she's only apologizing because Lex thinks she should, but I don't give into the cattiness.

"Thanks," I say. I pick at my orange fingernail polish, which is already too chipped to be pretty, despite me painting my nails yesterday.

"Are we still friends?" asks Rebecca.

I look up at her hopeful smile, and somehow, her expression eases the guilt around my middle. She wants to be friends, and she honestly cares whether are or not. That's not something I've experienced often.

"Yeah, of course," I say. I pick at my fingernail polish for another second before looking back at her. My voice falls low, but I know I have to say it, "I wasn't really mad at you anyway."

"You weren't?" asks Rebecca. Both of her eyebrows jet toward her hairline. "Because you kind of seemed like it...and you definitely said you were this morning."