Losing Control✓ (New Adult Romance)

Chapter Seventeen

Lex and I ride around Missoula for the next hour and a half. We pass the Big Dipper ice cream stand and the gyro sandwich shop, then roll down the road by the river. The exercise feels good on my legs. I try not to think about the calories I'm dissolving, but I can't help myself. Every time I pedal, I know my weight is trimming into a smaller size. It makes me want to ride faster, pump harder, until every speck of fat is gone.

Unfortunately, Lex seems to have the opposite idea in mind. He rides slowly, always a half foot behind me, talking quietly about the scenery. Lex is so peaceful, so nonchalant about the pressures that surround college kids. It makes me envious in a good way, like maybe I can be like him, if I just try hard enough.

"You wanna take a break?" asks Lex. He pedals to catch up with me and gestures toward the adjacent park. "There's some really nice trees over here. We could sit under one for a while."

"I'm good," I say. My legs are starting to tire, but I like the sensation. Tired equals weight loss.

"Well, I need a break," says Lex. He steers his bike away from me and off the sidewalk.

I slow my bike to a stop, staring after him with a slightly grizzled expression. Lex rides into Bonner park, a beautiful splotch of green grass and plush trees. He doesn't need a break, and we both know it, but what am I supposed to do? I grumble softly to myself and start after Lex, crossing the street in two quick pedals.

I lean my bike against the same tree Lex lounges beneath. His bike lays haphazardly in the grass with its kickstand splayed at an awkward angle. It's an old bike with a rusted chain and faded orange paint. When Lex catches my stare, he smiles.

"It's a piece of shit," he says. "It's my dad's old one from his college days, so it's a miracle it works at all."

"I like the color," I say dumbly.

"Thanks," says Lex. He nudges the bike with his shoe. "It gets me where I'm going, so that's all that really matters."

I ring my pinky fingers together and stare at the surrounding houses. My heart has been swirling like a washing machine ever since we left my dorm room. I still haven't decided if this is a date or not, or whether I want it to be or not. After everything that happened with Wes, I shouldn't even be here right now. But I'm glad I am—so, so glad.

"Are we far from campus?" I ask. I glance over my shoulder, as if expecting to see it from where we sit.

"Not too far," says Lex. "We pretty much circled back around. Are you tired? I could go get my car, if you want."

"I'm not that incapable, Lex," I say. My cheeks feel hot, but I can't bring myself to break eye contact with Lex. He looks so genuinely concerned, unabashedly so.

"You know it's not like that," says Lex. "I'm just not an expert at things like this. I don't want to do anything wrong."

"You won't do anything wrong," I say, lowering my voice. It's not the truth—he probably will do something wrong. He'll say something or do something that will send me into a panic, into a self-starvation mode of survival. But there's nothing he can do about it. No matter how careful he is, at some point, I'm going to break.

Lex quirks his lips. "So, you don't want me to get the car."

"No," I say, and even I hear the husky undertone. I want to kiss him, almost as much as I want him to want to kiss me. It could be our real first kiss, a redo of the night he pulled away.

For a moment, I think he's going to lean in and press his soft lips against mine, but he doesn't. Instead, he shifts away from me and scratches his neck. My heart crumbles into itself, feeling every pulsing second of this moment. It's happening again—he's rejecting me again. At least this time I didn't throw myself at him, but still. He has to know that I want him to kiss me.