Losing Control✓ (New Adult Romance)

Chapter Twenty-Eight

When I get back to my dorm, Rebecca and Elizabeth are, unfortunately, still awake. They stare at me with eager eyes, ready to finally be let in on the secret of my actions. I give them a small wave as I slip out of my shoes and try to steady my breathing. Surely my face is still puffy from the confrontation with Lex, but if they notice, neither of the girls says a thing.

I pick my shoes off the floor and straighten my back. Once again, we're all caught in a staring match, until finally, Elizabeth drops her head down to her phone, apparently bored with me and my drama.Rebecca, on the other hand, continues to stare at me, so many questions decorating her face that I don't know where to look. She gives me a soft, encouraging smile, followed by an eager nod.

I shift my weight back and forth, trying to decide how much I want to tell. The knot of tears still lingers in the base of my throat, squeezing tight enough that I'm not sure I'll be able to speak. I clear my throat and bury my hands into my pockets.

"I don't really want to talk about it," I say finally.

"Okay," says Rebecca, surprising me. "We can talk about it later."

"Thanks," I say with a sleepy nod. "I'm going to go to bed."

"Goodnight," says Rebecca, who is shortly echoed by a mumbled goodnight from Elizabeth.

I give them a quick wave before skirting into my bedroom. I toss my shoes into the bottom of my wardrobe, and then, I start to cry. Not a loud, unbearable sob like on the street. A quiet cry, the one where tears run down your cheeks and you occasionally let out a soft whimper. The hurt encompasses my body, hugging me tightly with claw-like hands.

Bad. Worthless. Foolish.

Anxiety stems down to my fingertips, sparking them into action. Before I can stop myself, I'm knelt before the mini-fridge. I tear open the door and start scooping the excessive food into my lap. Yogurts and fruit and carrots and eggs, cleaning out the fridge until there is nothing left. The food sags off my lap and onto the floor, but I can barely look at it. There's so much—so much disgusting, gluttonous food.

I grab one of my extra trash bags and shove the food away, barely looking as I move. My hands burn with disgust at the touch of each item, but I don't stop moving until everything is hidden. Then, I move onto my pantry items, pulling them from the bottom of my wardrobe into the bag of food. Moving without thinking, grabbing without considering.

When the bag is full, I storm out of my room and past the living room. Rebecca is gone now, but Elizabeth still sits there. Luckily, she doesn't even look up as I pass by. Instead, she keeps tapping on her phone, completely oblivious to my actions.

I pick up my pace once I'm in the hallway. The food bounces against my hip as I walk, a constant reminder of everything gluttonous about me. I'm almost to the garbage shoot when I hear my name.

"Addie?"

For a moment, I keep walking, chest heaving and eyes blurred with tears that won't quit coming. But then, he says my name again, louder this time.

I slow to a stop, hesitating to face him. Once I do, there's nothing more that I want to do than to run away, continue to the garbage shoot and never look back. But something about his face holds me in my spot, refuses to let me escape.

"What're you doing here?" I ask. My hand tightens around the bag of food and shields it halfway behind my body.

"What do you have?" asks Lex. He squints toward the bag with suspicion.

"Garbage," I say, rolling my eyes. "What did you think?"
"It looks like a lot of garbage," says Lex with a tight shrug. "And heavy. You can barely hold it." He takes a step toward me, making us ten feet apart instead of eleven. "Addie, what's in the bag?"

"What do you care?" I snap.

"Addie, I came to say I'm sorry," says Lex. He strides forward, this time halving our distance. "I was stupid and hurt, and I'm sorry."

I rest the bag of food on the floor, shifting my feet uncomfortably. He looks so good with a tight red shirt and basketball shorts. Red is a good color on him, looks good with his skin tone.

"Addie," says Lex. "I'm sorry, okay? Can you say something?"

I nibble on my lower lip. The tears are still fighting to escape my eyes, and no matter how many times I blink, they are still there. I don't want to cry in front of Lex, not again, but I'm not sure I'll be able to help myself if this takes much longer.

"It's fine," I say stiffly. "You're forgiven."

"I'm really sorry, Addie," says Lex again. "Please don't be mad at me. I was hurt that you broke things off with me, and I wanted to hurt you back. But it was stupid and petty, and I would never truly want to hurt you. I just got caught up in myself for, like, thirty seconds."

I bite harder on my lip. He looks so sincere in his apology that I almost forget the mean things he said, the terrible way he looked at me. Almost, but not quite.

"What about that girl?" I ask. My voice cracks when I add, "Abbie?"

"She's my anatomy lab partner," says Lex with a sigh. "There's nothing going on between us, I swear. I just—I was just trying to make you mad. Of course, I'm not over you yet, okay? I was just mad."

"Just lab partners," I say, fully aware of how jealous and crazy I sound, but not enough that I care.

"Just lab partners," confirms Lex. He closes this distance between us until we're only a breath apart. "But you know, I eventually will move on. Are you going to be okay with that?"

I try to imagine myself being okay with Lex kissing another girl, with him touching another girl and with him pouring his heart out to her. It's a terrible image, one where he cares about this girl's wellbeing more than mine.

"No," I say finally. I feel a burst of color come across my cheeks, but I hold my ground. "No, I won't be okay with that."

Lex deflates slightly. "Addie, I'm really trying—"

In one swift motion, I rise onto my toes and press my lips against Lex's. I stumble slightly, crashing my chest against his and just barely catching myself on his shoulders. He remains stiff for a moment, his mouth refusing to open even with the persistent swipe of my tongue. Finally, I lower myself to the ground and take a humiliated step backward.

"You can't kiss me," says Lex with a sexy, frustrated groan. "You just can't. It'll drive me insane."

"Lex," I say, my breath coming faster. "I want to drive you insane. Every day, all day."

His eyebrows quirk and his mouth twists into a puckered frown. "I don't know what you're saying, Addie. You're really confusing me."

"What I'm saying is—" I take a shaky breath. "What I'm trying to say is that I'm sorry. I never should've tried to keep you from caring about me. I was wrong when I said I didn't want to be in a relationship with you—I was just scared."

Realization finally peaks over Lex's expression.

"Are you saying—"

I kiss him before he has a chance to finish his question. And for one long, blissful moment, we stand entwined in each other's arms, enjoying each other without a pressure in the world.