Losing Control✓ (New Adult Romance)

Chapter Twenty-Six

On Sunday morning, I sit at the breakfast table with Mom, Dad, and Paige. Already, Paige has given them the rundown on Lex, and they've all bemoaned the loss of Wes from my life. I want to tell them that they'd like Lex even more, that he puts Wes's personality to shame, but I figure it doesn't matter. I broke things off with Lex. End of story.

"Eat your eggs, honey," says Mom.

I've been pushing them around my plate for the last five minutes, but eating feels impossible right now. I still feel fat from yesterday's lunch, and I'm afraid of how horrible it will feel if I add calories.

"Addison," says Dad. "Did you hear your mother?"

I take a hesitant bite of eggs. When I do, I eat slowly, chewing each bite until the eggs turn to pasty mush. They taste like failure, the disgusting aroma so potent that I can barely swallow.

Everyone finishes eating long before I do, despite the fact I had the smallest portion. Dad starts to clear the table and Paige wanders over to the television, where she watches a re-run of The Price is Right! with the volume on high. Mom stays planted in her seat, her large eyes fastened on me.

"Paige told me about this new boy," says Mom. "What happened to Wes? I really think—"

"There's nothing between me and Wes anymore," I say sharply. "I'm sorry."

Mom folds her hands together, and for once, she looks horribly uncomfortable. Her eyes scan over my body, not once but twice, and then, her lips form a puckered line.

"And now there's nothing between you and Alex, either?" asks Mom.

I glare in Paige's direction, furious but not surprised that she'd sell me out to our parents.

"It's Lex," I say, pausing to force another bite of eggs into my mouth. "And I don't know. It's complicated."

"It didn't sound too complicated to me," says Mom. She reaches out to take my hand, and even though I want to pull away, I let her rest her palm on my skin.

"Mom, I'm too sick," I say, embarrassed when my voice cracks. "I can't handle it right now."

"And that's fine," says Mom, her body once again scrolling over my body. "But if you're struggling, you need to get help. You need to call a therapy office in Missoula and set up an appointment." She heaves a sigh in through her nose. "Have you been taking your medication."

"Yes," I mumble, my cheeks starting to burn. "Every night."

"That's good," says Mom.

We sit in quiet as I continue to chew my eggs and Mom continues to stare at my body. It makes me feel self-conscious, and even worse, it makes me feel fat, like she's judging every inch of fat on my body. Finally, I can't take the silence anymore.

"Lex is really great though," I say, my voice muffled with uncertainty. "I really like him a lot."

"And he knows you're sick," says Mom. "Maybe you should give him a chance, Addie. I'd hate to see you lose out on a great guy, just because you're scared of yourself."

"I'm not scared of myself," I say, even though I know she's exactly right. I'm losing my chance with Lex because I'm afraid of what I will do to myself. But Lex isn't like Wes—he would never abandon me when things got tough. At least, it doesn't seem like he would.

"What if you're right?" I ask, my voice dropping low to avoid any eavesdropping by Paige or Dad. "What if I should've gone out with him, but now I've ruined my chance?"

"You don't know that until you tell him how you feel," says Mom, sounding oddly like a therapist. "But if you ask me, it's better to tell him sooner. It sounds like this boy is quite the catch. Don't want someone else to snatch him up."

Now I laugh. Everything about this conversation is horribly cheesy, like something out of a family movie. Next, Mom will be saying how I just need to follow my heart, and I'll be saying that it's not my dream, it's hers.

"I'm being serious, Addison," says Mom, but she too starts to smile. Just as quickly, her expression becomes serious again. "But if you think it's too soon to date him, give yourself some time. It's better that you're healthy than in a relationship."

"Thanks, Mom," I say.

She gives my hand a gentle squeeze before getting up to help Dad with the dishes. I remain at the table with my unfinished eggs and an upset stomach. I'm not healthy yet, but honestly, I might never be. I don't want to miss out on a wonderful man, just because I'm waiting for a miracle. Maybe this is my miracle, and maybe, I'd be a fool to let it go.

#

That night, I take the eight o'clock Greyhound bus to Missoula. My fingers shake the entire way, barely able to resist the urge of texting Lex. I know the right thing to do is to talk things over with Lex, but texting seems so much easier. I can explain exactly what happened—if he shuts me down, at least I won't have to cry in front of him. More than once, I type out a novella of an explanation to Lex, but every time, I end up deleting it. For some reason, I know I have to do this in person.

When I get back to campus, I literally run up to my dorm room. Somehow, the excitement and adrenaline still rushes through my body. I can do it—I can tell Lex that I made a mistake and that I want to give us a shot. But who knows how long this feeling of ability will last. I'm ready to do this now...right now.

I push open the door of our dorm to find Rebecca and Elizabeth both staring at me. Elizabeth frowns and looks down at her phone, but Rebecca breaks into a wide smile. Her eyes flicker toward my duffel bag before she gives me an exaggerated two thumbs up.

"So I take it things are going well with Lex," says Rebecca, letting her eyebrows dance. "You didn't come home last night—I checked." She glances toward Rebecca and then silently mouthes to me: Sex?

I roll my eyes. "I wasn't with Lex. I went home."

"You went home without telling us?" asks Elizabeth, not looking up from the screen.

"Uh yeah, sorry," I say. "I got caught up in the moment and forgot."

"What moment?" asks Rebecca. She buries her legs beneath her and scrunches her eyebrows. "Did something happen? Because of us? Or Lex?"

"It's complicated," I say. "I promise to explain it all later, but right now, I have to go."

"All right, all right," says Rebecca, flopping her hand. "Go, have fun, forget about us. We'll just be here, wondering about you and your secret life."

"Well, Rebecca will," says Elizabeth with a teasing laugh.

"Yes, I will," says Rebecca with a sharp nod. "But because I'm your best friend, I give you permission to ditch me anyway."

"Uh, thanks," I say.

I run into my room, drop the duffel bag in my closet without bothering to unpack, and then jog back into the living room.

"Okay, I'm going," I say. "Wish me luck."

"I don't know what you're doing, but good luck," says Rebecca flatly.

"Thanks," I say, barely registering her words.

I consider texting Lex to let him know I'm on my way over, but instead, I tuck my phone into my pocket and wave goodbye to Rebecca and Elizabeth.