Losing Control✓ (New Adult Romance)

Chapter Twenty-One

Lex and I explore each other for nearly an hour, or at least long enough for my body to start cramping in my angled position. We don't end up doing anything more than pseudo third base, but somehow, I end up feeling slimy. Wrong. Bad. My insides are weighed with my actions. It doesn't matter than I'm a single nineteen year old; I feel like I just committed a sin. A dirty, dirty sin.

I watch as Lex slides his shirt back over his shoulders, letting my eyes rest on his toned stomach before returning them to his face. He looks down at me with a semi-goofy grin lighting his features. It reminds me of an inexperienced teenage boy, beaming after his very first make out session. And somehow, that calms the anxiety in my body, makes me think that maybe he's just as awkward with sexual situations as I am.

"How far have you gone?" I ask, my voice lifting slightly at the end.

Lex's smile immediately collapses into itself, and I regret opening my mouth. The dirty, slimy sensation creeps back into my skin.

"You've had sex?" I ask. I feel myself cringe at the word sex, which is basically a clear indicator that I'm not mature enough to handle this conversation, let alone the actual act.

"Yeah," says Lex. His eyes fall to his shirt and his fingers find a loose thread at the waist.

"Oh," I say. I clear my throat, not once, but twice. I try to tell myself it shouldn't matter—it doesn't matter. But somehow, I feel inadequate, childish, unworthy.

When Lex doesn't say anything, I lower my attention to my feet. I'm still on the couch with my back slumped against the right arm rest.

"Well, I haven't," I say, flinching when my voice cracks. He probably thinks I'm going to cry...am I going to cry? I certainly feel like I could. Vivid images of Lex lying on top of some beautiful, curvy girl stains my mind, refusing to disappear even with my eyes open.

"That's okay," says Lex quickly. "I kind of assumed that."

His words rattle my body, hard enough that I'm worried my organs will pop out. He assumed that? What the hell does that mean?

"No, no, not like that," says Lex, as if reading my thoughts. "I mean, you just seem so innocent. In a good way. Not that it'd be bad if you weren't."

Lex scratches his neck, the blush coming through his dark cheeks.

"Have you slept with a lot of people?" I ask. I can feel my throat closing around my words, but I try to keep talking anyway. "I mean, like more than ten or twenty? I'm not trying to be jealous..."

"Addie," says Lex. He crouches next to me and wipes his thumb across my cheek. It isn't until then that I realize I am crying. What a pathetic freak. Who cries because the guy they're kind-of, sort-of seeing has had sex? Only pathetic freaks, that's who.

"I'm sorry," I say. "I promise I'm not trying to be this weird. It must be my medication. I probably need to take some..."

"Addie," says Lex. "Breathe."

I take a deep, unsteady breath through my teeth, keeping my eyes trained on my bare feet. A quick pang stems through my chest, hopefully nothing more than a lingering side effect from last night's attack. I close my eyes and continue breathing steadily through my nose. When I open my eyes, Lex is staring at me with a slightly crinkled gaze.

"I'm sorry," I whisper.

"You're fine," says Lex. He shifts closer and lowers his voice, his face morphing into an uncomfortable mask. "I've slept with two people. That's not too bad, is it?"