Losing Control✓ (New Adult Romance)

Chapter Thirty-Four

I'd like to say everything goes perfectly for the rest of my life or even for the rest of college. I'd like to say Lex and I have the fairytale romance that never once wavers, never once includes a disagreement or fight. Most of all, I'd like to say that the eating disorder never returns. Of course, life gets messy and people get messy, and sometimes, things don't work out the way you want them to.

Today, I'm back at the gym, not only because I need to work out, but also because my addiction to the scale is stronger than ever. I stand in the women's locker room, staring at myself in the mirror and trying to not think about the calories from today's snack. My stomach feels heavy and overweight, and the Beast is clawing at every pore in my body, demanding for attention, screaming to get out.

I run a hand through my hair, which is almost long enough to fit into a ponytail. The sweat is thick on my body, and the exhaustion is unbearably heavy. My legs quiver beneath me, every few minutes buckling hard enough that I'm sure I'll pass out. An unbearable pressure fills my head, blacking out the sides of my eyes and making me permanently dizzy.

"You need to eat," I tell the mirror, but I know my reflection won't listen. She never does.

I stand for another moment and trace the ribs down my chest and stomach. Too skinny. Not skinny enough.

The scale sits in the corner of the locker room, and right now, it is blissfully empty in here. I give myself a final glance in the mirror before dragging my legs to the scale. I don't want to know the number, but I have to know. It'll keep me up all night if I don't check at least once every few hours. It'll sit in my mind and taunt me, make it impossible to eat even the smallest of bites.

Ninety-eight pounds.

A grotesque smile forms on my lips. Ninety -eight has been appearing on the scale all day, but somehow, I was sure it would disappear, mutate into something hideous. I could be nearly two hundred pounds if I wasn't careful—and yes, I knew that was technically impossible. But it felt oh-so-possible, enough that I held my breath every time I stepped onto the scale.

My phone buzzes, and without looking, I know it's Lex. He and Rebecca have been all over me since my eating problems once again lapsed. It should make me feel better, make me feel loved and cared for. Instead, I just feel annoyed, like they both want me to be fat.

Lex: where are you?

Me: I'm at the library.

Lex: no you're not. i was just there.

I cringe and pull down my shirt. Busted. Lex was supposed to be at an astronomy club meeting for the next few hours. He wasn't supposed to be checking up on me like I'm a misbehaving child. Some rebellious teenager sneaking out the window to see her motorcycle riding boyfriend.

A overweight woman comes into the bathroom, which is my cue to leave. The last thing I need is a complete stranger giving me the look—the one that says, oh my God, what's wrong with this woman?

I slip out of the bathroom and head up the stairs. The gym is loud with the cacophonous sound of weights dropping and feet running and basketballs dribbling. Not for the first time, I am met by Lex, who stands just beyond the entrance with clenched fists. I slow my steps and bite down on my lip, suddenly fighting a wave of tears.

"Addie," says Lex. He loosely grabs my arms and pulls me into a light hug, one so gentle that I know Lex fears breaking me.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, momentarily stolen off guard. But then, the beast speaks loud and I feel a moment of fury. "Did you follow me here?"

"No, I went to meet you at the library," says Lex, still clinging to me. "Astronomy club ended early. But you weren't there, so I knew you had lied."

"I'm sorry," I say again, this time close to tears. "I can't—can't help it."

"I know, baby," says Lex. He finally pulls away, but only to plant a kiss on the top of my head. "But I can't watch you do this to yourself, not anymore."

"I'll get better, I promise," I say. Before I can stop myself, I grind my fingernails into Lex's forearms. A lump juggles in my throat, until finally, the tears start to come out. "Please don't break up with me."

Lex looks over my head at the surrounding people before lowering himself to my level. With crouched legs, he presses his lips against mine.

"I'm not breaking up with you, Addie. Of course I'm not," says Lex. "But I can't watch you kill yourself anymore. You need help, okay?"

Now I'm full-on crying in the middle of the gym, legs shivering and jaw smacking open and closed. I can feel the snot dripping from my nose, but I'm too terrified to wipe it away. I know Lex is right; I know I need help, but getting help is admitting I let it go too far again. Getting help is admitting failure.

"Addie, I called your mom again," says Lex. "She gave me the information for your old therapist."

"Are they making me leave college?" I ask between sobs. People are staring, I can sense it, but at the moment, I don't care.

"No, you'll just call her once a week," says Lex. "That's the plan until you can find a local therapist. Okay?"

"Okay," I whisper.

"You know why I'm doing this, right?" asks Lex. He tips my chin upward with his finger.

"Because you don't want me to die," I say, feeling oddly like a child.

"Yes, but no," says Lex. He breathes in thick through his nose, then looks me straight in the eyes with the gentlest look of adoration. "I'm doing this because I love you, Addie. And I have no idea what I'd do without you. I just want you to be happy and healthy with me for a long, long time."

Even through the tears, I feel myself smiling. It's impossible not to—Lex has never said that to me before, and yet, I can tell he truly means it.

"I love you, too," I say with a sniffle. "I really do."

Lex pulls me and takes me into his arm, holding me close to his chest. I can feel his heart beating through his shirt, and it reminds me what I have to live for. Not for Lex, but for myself, because I never want to be without a heartbeat in my chest. I want to be here, with Lex, and I want to live to my full potential.

"Let's go get something to eat," I whisper into Lex's chest. "I'm hungry."

"Okay," says Lex. "Anything you want."

We walk out, hand in hand, and for once, I know everything will be okay. I will beat this eating disorder, just as I did the last time. Only now, I'll have Lex at my side. And with him, anything is possible.

THE END