Losing Control✓ (New Adult Romance)

Chapter Thirty

Lex and I walk back toward my dorm, arm in arm. It's a surreal feeling, knowing I'm finally moving on from Wes, finally having something so positive in my life. Lex whistles softly, slightly out of tune, and squeezes my elbow. He smiles down at me and kisses the top of my head.

"Did you have fun?" asks Lex.

"Yes, of course," I say. "Thank you so much."

He bobs his head once, smiling at me or to himself, I can't really tell. We walk across campus, reaching Miller Hall just after eleven. I can't believe it took us two hours at the coffee shop, but then, I couldn't hardly eat I was laughing so hard. Everything that happened felt perfect, aligning itself in just the right position.

When we get to my dorm, I bounce on my toes with my hand locked on the doorknob. Surely, Rebecca and Elizabeth are both inside, eagerly awaiting the news of my first date with Lex.

"Well, I would invite you inside," I say teasingly, "But this is our first date, and I'm not that kind of girl."

"Oh really?" asks Lex, his mouth breaking into a smile.

"No, not really," I say with a laugh. "But I suspect Rebecca and Elizabeth are eavesdropping, and I should probably tell them all about my night."

"Yeah?" asks Lex. He brushes a strand of hair behind my ear and leans closer. "And what are you going to say?"

"That it was wonderful," I say, half-breathless. "And that I really, really like this guy."

"That's good," says Lex. He teases me with a soft brush of his lips against mine. "Because I really, really like this girl, too."

With that, he cups my face in both hands and kisses me. I open my mouth and let his tongue explore mine. My entire body lights with excitement, so much so that I can barely stay standing upright. If it weren't for Lex's strong arm wrapped around me, I probably would've fallen by now.

"Goodnight, Addie," says Lex, finally pulling back. He rests his forehead against mine and stares at me with his beautiful golden eyes. "I can't wait for our second date. And our third. And our fourth."

I let out a small giggle, unable to stop myself.

"Goodnight, Lex," I whisper.

He steps away and I have to lean my weight against the door to avoid losing my balance. I watch with a warm face as Lex walks down the hallway, both hands in his pockets. Just as I'm checking out his butt (which is very cute, by the way), the door of my dorm flings open. I tumble backwards and land on my ass with a loud oomph.

"Geeze, what were you doing out there, writing a novel?" asks Rebecca. She stares down at me with bulging eyes. "I'm dying in suspense here!"

"Rebecca," I say with a groan. "You couldn't have waited five minutes? I was just—"

"Yeah, yeah," says Rebecca with a flop of her wrist. "Doesn't matter. I want all the details. Don't leave anything out. Was it amazing? Was he amazing? Did you kiss? Well, other than just now, of course."

"You were eavesdropping," I accuse. I finally come onto my knees and stumble to my feet. The door of our dorm swings shut, and Rebecca and I both retire to the couch.

"Of course I was eavesdropping," says Rebecca, rolling her eyes. "But for the record, Elizabeth isn't here. She decided to go out with friends instead of waiting to hear about your night. So in case you were wondering who loves you more, it's totally me."

I let out a guffaw of a laugh, still utterly high from tonight's date. Rebecca leans forward as I go through every awe-inspiring moment of my night. Everything about my time with Lex was effortless. I didn't feel pressured or judged or pitied—I just felt like me, Addie. And for some reason, this made me curious. Maybe Lex was right all along, maybe I shouldn't be afraid to tell others about my illnesses. Maybe it doesn't have to change the way people see me.

When I finish with my tale of tonight's date, pausing to thank Rebecca for helping with dinner, I awkwardly shift on the couch. Rebecca's eyes scrunch together and her lips purse slightly.

"There's something you're not telling me," she says, eyebrows knitted. Then, her face opens with a burst of disbelief. "Oh my God. You totally slept with him, didn't you?"

"What? No," I say, shaking my head. "No, but I do have something to tell you."

"Yes, please do," says Rebecca. She wiggles her eyebrows and does a strange shimmy of her chest.

"It's not about Lex," I say, rolling my eyes. "It's about me."

"Oh God," she says, and she clasps a hand over her mouth. "You didn't change your mind, did you? Because if you did, you can totally tell me."

"No, I didn't change my mind," I say. "I told you, this isn't about Lex."

There's a heavy pause in the air, one that weighs down on my shoulders with the weight of two hippos.

"Um, I just wanted to tell you that I have some, um, mental problems," I say, tripping over every other word. Once it's spoken, I expect the hippos to disappear, but they remain, apparently anxiously awaiting Rebecca's response, just as I am.

She gives a nervous laugh. "What do you mean, Addie?"

"Well, I have really bad anxiety and depression," I say slowly. "And, uh, sometimes I struggle with eating."

"Like an eating disorder?" asks Rebecca. Her face is completely flat, probably the most serious I've ever seen it.

"Yeah, like that," I say. "I suffer from anorexia nervosa. It's not that big of a deal, but—"

"It is a big deal," says Rebecca gently. "I've actually noticed you've been losing weight. Damn. I should've said something. I'm an awful roommate."

"No, you're really not," I say. "And I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad. I just thought you should know."

Rebecca's eyes start to water, and she quickly looks away. Her nose scrunches once or twice, but eventually, a tear slips down her cheek and into her mouth.

"I'm really sorry," she says. "Are you—are you trying to get better?"

"Always," I say, even though this is somewhat of a lie. I always want to be better, but sometimes, getting there feels so impossible I don't want to try. I want to let the disease take over my body and kill me.

"That's good," says Rebecca, stealing me from my thoughts. "I hope you get better."

"Yeah, me too," I say.

"And I'll help you however you need," says Rebecca. She hesitates before asking, "Does Lex know?"

"Uh, yeah," I say, shifting uncomfortably. "We actually met in the hospital. That's how we knew each other."
"Oh wow," says Rebecca. She wipes at her eyes. "Well, regardless of what happens with Lex, I'll help you get better. I promise, I'll try really hard to help you."

"Thanks," I say, and I mean it. Even though anorexia is often a lonely battle, I know it helps to have people fighting on your side, helping you to beat the Beast. And the more I tell people, the less the shame owns me—the less the Beast owns me.

"Should we eat something?" asks Rebecca after a long pause.

I just ate with Lex, so I'm not hungry in the least. I feel guilty and bloated and disgusting, but those sensations are muted behind the happiness I feel.

"Yeah, we should eat," I say with a truly happy smile.

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