Losing Control✓ (New Adult Romance)

Chapter Twenty-Three

It takes nearly twenty minutes to reach the M, and by that point, I feel close to death. Lex stands tall at the top of the trail, patiently waiting for me to catch up. Once I do, I immediately bee-line to the sitting area while Lex continues to stare out at the infinite view. Missoula does look beautiful from up here, not that it doesn't from the ground. It just seems more orderly, almost like a toy town, from the mountain.

I stretch back onto my hands and close my eyes, still panting and desperately gulping dusty air into my lungs. Lex finally walks to the spot next to me, close enough that our arms brush when he sits. I listen as he wriggles out of his backpack and starts digging through the contents.

"Okay, so I've got sandwiches and some fruit and juice boxes," says Lex. "And I brought two cupcakes, but they're totally squashed now."

"I can't," I say, letting a sharp breath through my nose. My fingers dig into the wooden seat. "I can't do this."

I don't know what I'm doing. In my head, I was planning to wait until we were safely at the bottom of the trail, ready to go our separate ways. We aren't supposed to be at the M, a long hike before we can escape each other and this awkward moment. But I've started. I can't back out now that I'm spontaneously feeling courageous.

"Addie," says Lex, his voice soft. "You have to eat. I know you don't want to, but your stomach was growling the whole way up here. You'll get sick—"

"I'm not talking about the food," I whisper.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see him stiffen. His arms go rigid, and he suddenly seems so much taller, so much bigger than me. I shrink slightly beside him, looking down at my shoes.

"I really want to go out with you," I say, forcing myself to keep a steady voice. "Trust me, I do. It's just, I can't right now. I'm not...stable."

Lex doesn't say anything, not right away. He just breathes, a bit too loudly, a bit too quickly. His fingers thrum at his sides and his eyes stare out over Missoula.

"I can take care of you," says Lex, turning to face me. "I promise, I'll be really good for you. I know you're sick, but I'll help you get better."

"You can't," I say. My throat starts to close in on itself, and I have to bite my tongue to keep from crying. Once the lump in my throat disappears, I try again. "You can't fix me, Lex. That's not how mental illness works."

"Maybe not, but at least let me try," says Lex. "You're going to get better, Addie. I can feel it. And I don't want you to have to do it by yourself."

"But I think I need to," I say. Even though I know I shouldn't, I grab Lex's hand. "I just need some more time."

Lex's face crinkles, and he pulls away from my hand. It hurts more than it should, sending a quick and sharp pang through my gut. I look away from Lex, trying desperately to keep myself from blushing.

"Okay, Addie," says Lex. "I guess I get that."

I'm not sure he does, but I give him the best smile I can manage.

"Thanks, Lex," I say. I shift awkwardly in my place. "Sorry to just spring this on you. I planned to do it much more gracefully."

He lets out an uncomfortable chuckle. "I'm not sure there's any graceful way to break a man's heart."

I fold my lips between my teeth.

"I'm sorry," I say.

He shrugs. "That's okay. You have to do what's best for you, right?"

I again shift. Even though I'm sure he's not insinuating anything, it feels like he's calling me selfish.

"I get if you don't want to be friends with me anymore," I say. My throat again starts to close, causing my voice to crack when I continue. "I won't hold it against you."

"Of course I still want to be friends," says Lex. He moves his hand forward, almost as if he's going to brush the hair from my face, but at the last moment, he pulls back. "It'll be hard, but I don't want to cut you out of my life completely."

I smile at him, but his words make me feel worse, like I just made a terrible, terrible mistake.

"Thanks, Lex," I manage.

He thumbs at the food on his lap, eyes suddenly drawn down in fascination.

"So, do you want to eat this still, or should we call it a day?" asks Lex.

I stare at him, trying to gage what he wants to do. The last thing I should do right now is force my company on him, but I'm worried if I don't, we'll never see each other again. Like, it'll be one of those things where we promise to stay friends and instead we become absolute strangers.

"I am pretty hungry," I say finally.

A soft smile, far smaller than I had hoped for, touches Lex's mouth.

"What would you like?" he asks.

I nibble on my lower lip. Now that I've ended things with Lex, at least romantically, I should feel free. All of my worries should feel a million times lighter. Instead I feel a poignant combination of guilt and fear and uncertainty that is a million times stronger than it was before.

"A juice box and some grapes please," I say.

"And a sandwich," says Lex. He tosses it to me before I can protest, and then continues handing over the grapes and juice box.

"Thanks," I say.

We eat in silence, and I desperately try to not think about the calories. I chew each bite slowly, watching hikers as they mill up and down the path. Some are tired, but others run with the energy of an exuberant child. It makes me feel sluggish and out of shape, and before I can help myself, I start making exercise plans in my mind.

"What're you thinking about?" asks Lex. He stares out at Missoula, not once glancing at me.

"The hikers," I say, an easy white lie. "What're you thinking about?"

"You," says Lex, his voice unabashedly blunt. "And if you'll ever change your mind."

"I hope I do," I say. "Once I'm better, I know I'll change my mind. But don't wait for me or anything. I wouldn't want you to do that."

Lex gives a slow nod, but I can see the pain behind his every movement.

"I'm really sorry," I say. "I didn't mean to lead you on."

"I know you didn't," says Lex. He finally glances toward me and gives a soft side smile. "Doesn't mean it hurts any less."

I open my mouth, but I don't know what to say. I wait for a moment, hoping something will come, but Lex only shrugs.

"We should probably head back down," he says.

"Yeah, okay," I say.

He picks the trash from my lap and shoves it into his backpack. Then he starts down the trail without looking back to see if I'm following.