Losing Control✓ (New Adult Romance)

Chapter Twenty-Two

I spend the next day mulling over my relationship with Lex, though obsessing is probably the better word for it. If there's anything I know about mental illness, it's that depression and anxiety and anorexia are both extremely intertwined and unbelievably delicate. One heart-crushing fight with Lex and I'd be strewn out in bed, not eating and worrying even more than I already do. More than anything, I wish I was normal. I wish I was strong enough to handle whatever life offered—especially something as tempting as a relationship with Lex. But I'm smart enough to know that I'm not ready. More, I know Lex isn't ready to handle someone so helplessly insane.

After pacing the room for nearly an hour, I sit on my couch and curl my legs into my chest. Lex has already texted twice and called once, probably wanting to hang out. When he sends another text, I flip over my phone, hiding the screen in the couch cushion. I know I need to see him, but seeing him means telling the truth. And telling the truth means losing him, possibly for good.

My stomach lets out a loose growl. I try not to enjoy the strangled sensation against my stomach, but it makes me feel better...about everything. I relax slightly against the back of the couch, doing my best not to look at the humming fridge beside me. Rebecca and I went grocery shopping this morning, stocking up on food for the next week or so. I bought more than usual, promising myself that I'd start eating more and eating healthier.

I touch my fingers against the top of the fridge, momentarily debating a banana. My phone buzzes again, and I pull away my hand, resting it on my stomach. I don't check my phone—I already know it's just a reminder of Lex's text from two minutes ago.

"You need to eat," I whisper to myself.

But the thing is, it makes me feel free, light, effortless when I don't eat. Like I'm finally in control of my life and my surroundings. Sure, I don't truly have control over my relationship with Lex or my experience in college, but the hunger makes me feel like I have control over something...and that's everything right now.

I close my eyes and let the breath stream into my lungs. I know what I have to do, what'll help me to eat and get back on track. Because as good as it feels to have an ounce of control, I know a battle with anorexia is never the answer.

I grab my phone and stare at Lex's text of hey for a long moment. Then, I type and re-type my response until it sounds good enough.

Me: Hey, sorry I was doing homework. We should meet up.

In less than a minute, my phone buzzes with Lex's response.

Lex: Ya I've been wanting to hike to the M. I could pack us a lunch and we could eat up there or something

Me: Sounds good! Wanna meet up in ten?

I hit send before I fully think through Lex's plan. Once I do, however, I realize just how romantically dangerous it is. I need to explain why I can't see Lex—basically, I need to break up with him before we even officially date. Going on a romantic hike up a mountain and having a freaking picnic with a beautiful view...that will only make a break up that much harder. I should've said, no Lex, let's just meet at my dorm. I need to tell you something, and it's not good.

Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Ten minutes later, I'm in the downstairs lobby of Miller, wearing old running shoes and baggy basketball shorts that make my legs look like sticks. I was self conscious at first, but I figure it may help my situation. Maybe it'll hurt Lex less if I look like a hobo while breaking his heart.

Lex: I'm here. I don't have a card to get into the building.

Rather than shooting him a text, I pull myself from the stiff lobby chair and trudge toward Miller's main doors. My stomach feels hot and slimy, not because of the hunger, but because of the guilt. I made out with Lex, suggested that I wanted to be something more than friends. And now, I'm going to tell him I'm too crazy to have a boyfriend right now.

I push into the sunshine, squinting until my eyes find Lex. Of course, he looks ridiculously good. He's wearing black shorts and a loose white T-shirt with a backpack strung over his shoulder. As soon as he sees me, a wide grin stretches across him lips, crinkling his eyes. He looks so undeniably happy, regardless of the fact I'm in gross-hobo mode.

"Ready?" he asks.

"Yup," I say, lifting up my foot to display the ugly sneakers. "This is the first time I've put on exercise shoes. You should feel special."

"Oh trust me, I do," says Lex, and he leans forward to kiss my lips.

I should pull away or shake my head or tell him no. Instead, I find myself leaning into him, holding his shoulders between trembling fingers. It doesn't matter that we're in public or that people are probably staring—I want to enjoy the taste of Lex, one last time.

If Lex sees the guilt in my eyes as he pulls away, he doesn't show it. He merely takes my hand into his and starts off in the direction of the M, which is a gigantic M carved into the mountain behind campus. It's supposed to be a gentle hike, easy enough for all ages (which is pretty much the only reason I'm agreeing to it).

Lex and I weave across campus until we're at the base of the hill, and by that point, I'm already tired.

"I should've brought water," I say as we start up the trail. From here, the M looks thirty miles away, straight uphill.

"Don't worry, I got you covered," says Lex. He swings the backpack off one shoulder and digs through the main section. Moments later, he offers me a bottle of water.

"Thanks," I murmur. A buzzing electricity is starting to build in my body, but I can't decide whether it's from excitement or dread. Honestly, it feels like a little bit of both.

Nothing about this should make me happy, but just the feeling of Lex's hand in mine while we go on a mini-adventure gives me fresh adrenaline, even if it's going to end very, very badly. For now, I let the excitement whir through my body. For now, I pretend I'm not minutes from destroying the best thing that's happened to me in months.

"Thanks for inviting me," I say, giving Lex a smile. "This is fun."

"Is this too steep for you?" asks Lex distractedly. He jerks his chin toward the upcoming trail. It shouldn't be too daunting, but honestly, the flat ground wore me out. I don't even know if I can make it up the slope without passing out.

"Yeah, it'll be fine," I say, loosening my grip on Lex's hand. "But I might need both of my arms to keep from falling.

"Well, I wouldn't let you fall," says Lex. He smiles at me, but drops my hand anyway. "Just let me know if it's too difficult for you."

I shiver slightly, because it is too difficult. This friendship, relationship, whatever. It's all too much.