Living Nightmare | m.y.g (angst/smut)

Chapter 28 - The End is near ◆

Everything feels so odd right now. I keep searching for an idea that would help me escape this wrath. But how can I if my mind can't even think of any piece at the moment? I'm stuck in this unknown madness in which everything is very unpredictable, including my purpose of breathing.

Pain is no joke. It affects everything in me. It idles me. How I hate it so much when it burns me. But do I have a choice? This component of living is inevitable. It'll keep coming back as long as I sacrifice. Try not to give effort, that idea alone can maybe exclude me from getting it.

Is it reasonable to blame myself for having an obsessed, crazy, and jealous boyfriend? I think it is not. Because it is my own choice. This is commitment and I'm not going to give up on what I had commit. Mind to remind myself I love him? And I am still loving him? When I love, I have two warriors fighting with meㅡ patience and time. Theoretically, I am not alone. I just felt alone and my heart is very much aware of it. But my mind, it wants to burden me, my heart is so affected by the activity happening in my mind and the chemical reaction it sends to my heart is very unfavorable. I can acceptably conclude that I really am alone.

Here I am, sitting in the backyard, literally not moving. If I will decide to fly to another country to get my mind off from the stress, come in contact with the check-in counter and ask me where among my baggage are fragile, I'd point my heart. Here, this one is fragile. It's the only thing that is saliently delicate at the moment.

Sadly, I can't go. My situation right now is very hazardous. I am in a critical state. The syndicate is in search for me. The calls are initial symptoms, and those are already deadly. How much more the future unforeseen things? I won't risk. I don't want to die to be an unfortunate mistress.

Sometimes, I wonder if I am a living catastrophe. But when I do, Kate will eliminate all that misunderstandings from my mind or Yoongi will since Kate, well, I don't want to think about her further. It'll just increase my hurting. Really, I can get over it easily knowing these two important people protects me from delving deeper into it. They find ways to divert my focus.

Sunday afternoon, I am watching the lazy sun betraying me from keeping me company. His setting indicates my sinking. Suddenly, I feel a sharp pain upon taking in an immediate inhale while tearing. I am crying in silence for hours. My eyes are swollen, recognizably puffy. When I breathe, I feel like I am getting a sharp stab with it. I stop, allowing myself to get over it today and deal with it again on the next day.

I can't find Yoongi anywhere in the perimeter of the house. I haven't asked his parents yet because I don't want them to think about Yoongi leaving without me knowing it and I'm certainly not in the proper mood to suffice their curiosity. And I don't want to go to his room and check up on him earlier, even until now. I mean, am I even allowed to after all that happened yesterday? What if I come to his room without him telling me too? He'll just point out the desperation in me, and I will be accused of being a bitch over and over again at the end of the story.

I slept in my room last night so I didn't have the chance to talk to him; well he didn't give me the chance to. I heard him transferring to his flat today, and it kills me knowing he told me to bring me with him. He's probably on his loft now, celebrating because he won the conversation. It feels like there was a competition between us. I saw it the way he talked to me last night. He was almost talking down to me, as if I am some low-class, worthless creature, devoid by the right to justify my side. I'm sorry for my language but I never thought Yoongi has this side of him. How could he be so insensitive? I feel like I'm a poop to him: a stinky worthless one. Yesterday, before I went out the car, I tried once more, hopeful. But then, he looked like he wanted me out, so I let it went that way, I meekly submitted. My pride and dignity has been downgraded involuntarily considering I am his girlfriend. Just like a poop; I was flushed anyhow, like a literal, worthless, piece of shit.