Crossroads : ( Chris Brown Story )

Crossroads ₪ XXXI

Brielle

When I wasn't with Chris during the time I was pregnant with Caeden, I found my getting wrapped up accidentally in this little girl's life . That little girl was like a replacement to love since I could no longer love Chris at the time, little did I know how much I would come to love that little girl . She looked up me like I was some type of hero or something, always wanting to be around me . We had our differences at first, but I wasn't going to give up on her . I was going through so much at the time, it's unbelievable how one child can fill you up with so much love and have you feel like you are more than somebody . To that little girl, I was more than just a random woman popping up in her life . I was a mother in her life, that's all she ever wanted . Playing mother to a motherless child is not easy, it was hard letting that child go . Cause when she left, I felt she was taking me with her . A big chuck of me was missing, all because of that little girl . I felt so empty inside, I had my boy but nothing compares to having a daughter . Kataleah was never my daughter, she did one hell of a job acting as if she was .

Ava instantly became my everything when she made her appearance, the emptiness I been feeling for a while was filled when she made her way in her arms . I can't what it's like and I what I had to go through to get this far, when I look at her I just stare thinking about who she's going to look like in a couple of weeks . I think about what kind of girl she's going to be, I think about what paths she's going to take when she learns about the world, I think about the shit Chris is going to keep her away from like my daddy did to me when I was growing up . I can't explain the love I have for my daughter, it's different from loving my sons . I love Mijo, Caeden, and Josiah all the same as I do Ava . But you won't understand till you go through having your own, hopefully you'll wait longer than I did . When she's grows up I hope she'll be like me . Never take a mans word and know the difference between a boy and a man, allows stay true to yourself and follow in what you believe, it's okay to be sad but don't let anybody beat you down .

"Mommy, Ava is crying ." Mijo said

Mijo and Caeden have not left their baby sister side, they spend a lot of time with Josiah when he's awake but they are so interested in Ava since she's not anything like them .

"I can see that baby ."

"When is Josiah going to wake up ?" Caeden asked

"Let him sleep, that's what babies do ."

I began changing Ava's diaper in front of them as we all sat on the bed "Momma, is Ava crying because she don't have a penis ?" Mijo asked

I laughed "Girls don't have penises baby ."

"How do she pee pee then ?" Caeden asked

"Like mommy does, don't worry about it ."

"I want to feed her !" Mijo said

"No, I want to feed her !" Caeden shouted

"Shh, you she's already ate and she's going back to sleep . Go check and see what Grandma is doing with Josiah ."

Chris

Since the twins came home my moms been sleeping over here helping us out balance between Mijo and Caeden along with the twins, my body feels numb . I don't know if it's because I haven't touched a Molly or Speed since I found out a little while ago that's what I been taking or the fact that I have a daughter . To be honest the day the twins were born, the reason why I wasn't sleeping along with Brielle was because I wanted to pop a Molly all night . I'm used to getting to sleep with that mixed in my blunt, I haven't been taking it at all or smoked weed in a little bit over 3 weeks . I read this shit would happen, insomnia of the brain, cold sweats, and bitter taste in your mouth . I don't know if I can do this shit, I'm too scared to tell anybody I don't want them to label me something I'm not and I don't want them to be disappointed in me .