Hello August, Please Be Good To Me

Chapter 12: He Loves Me...Not

The beach is beautiful. I stand in ankle deep in the shallow part of the water, with just my bikini bottom and top under my white tee. The water licks my feet, and I try to adjust myself to the colder-than-comfortable temperature, which isn't hard as I continue to relax. The girls are in the bathroom changing and I watch as the guys make their way down the pier. I'm not even a beach person, and would pick the pool any day, but my senses enjoy the change in scenery. I look to the side and see two kids flinging sand at each other, and their dad running over to stop them. On my other side, I see Ant and...Josh? They slap box each other, cracking up at their amused stupidity. Justin walks behind them with towels in one hand, and a beach umbrella under his arm. He winks at me as soon as he sees me, and I give a wave before turning back to the water. I have a strong urge to pick up the seashells I see, but then I remember that I don't have room for that. I pick up one anyway, and yelp when it moves. Ant comes from behind, mimicking my scream, and I threaten to throw sand at him like the kids next to me. He scoots away, laughing

Amanda and Christina come strutting down the sand as if it's a fashion show and I catch myself before I roll my eyes. Christina is wearing a bright pink and orange monokini, while Amanda shows off her slim figure in her halter bikini. It's just like those cheesy movies about high school I watch all the time, where the "in-girls" eventually meet their match. Amanda latches on to Justin, just as Ant latches on to me, and the two of us share an exasperated look when we realize we might be separated for a while. I turn to Ant and kick sand at his feet. "She's mad clingy," I say, and Ant laughs and juts his thumb backwards. "Who? Amanda? Yeah, I don't know what's been up with her lately, must not want Justin to break up with her." He says Justin's name in a high pitch voice and cracks a smile, but the only thing that cracks in me is my chest. "Break up...you mean they're dating?" It's my turn to point at the couple, and I turn around and look at them. "Oh wow, how convenient for Justin not to mention that to you. Yeah, Amanda's Justin's girlfriend." It suddenly dawns on me why Christina may have been giving me the stink eye this morning, although I notice now that her attitude has mellowed.

I feel so stupid right now, and bite my lip. "I'm going to the bathroom," I say to no one in particular, and start trudging up the pier to the showers, my bag in tow. Justin tries to catch my eye but I ignore him, because as far as I'm concerned, he doesn't exist. I wash off my sandy feet with the shower water, and slip back into my shoes. There's a covered area with picnic style benches, and I sit down at the far end. He may not have found it necessary to say he was in a relationship, but I figured it was nice to know. Especially since I really like him. Liked. I know I can't turn off and on my feelings like that, but it doesn't stop me from trying. The people on the beach look like little ants from my distance I stand from, and instead of feeling greater, I feel much smaller. A little girl, maybe three or four years old, walks up to me and stares up with her huge blue eyes. I smile and she sits up next to me on the bench, climbing fairly easily for a girl her size and age. At this point I expect her to start talking to me. She doesn't. She just sits there looking at me. I smile and give a little wave, and she returns both. "Hi little friend," I say, and her face breaks out into an even bigger smile.

I watch as she hears the sound of her name and goes running back towards the source. I follow her with my eyes and watch her run into the arms of a younger lady with cropped brown hair, and sigh. That suffocating feeling of smallness and loneliness comes across me again, and I stand up and start to walk to take my mind off of it. My bag buzzes until I locate my phone inside and pull it out. It's Justin. I toss my phone back in and let it ring. Though I can't go home by myself, and my dad would kill me if I even attempted, it doesn't stop me from turning the idea over and over again in my head and plotting different ways to accomplish it.

Ant finds me. "Wow, you ran far off. You plan on coming back down to earth?" I crack a smile and look up, as I'm sitting down on the car bumps across the sandy parking lot. Maybe my face gives me away. "Eventually," I answer, after a moment of thinking. Ant sits down next to me, and instead of pushing him off like I want to, I let him stay, and even inch closer to me. For all I know, he could have a girl tied around his finger too. I don't want to know. Hot anger slices through me as I think of Justin, but is gone as quickly as it comes, and instead of radiating anger I just feel sad. As lovely as it would to be able to break down right then and there, I'm not one for a public show of my emotions, and I just sit there, watching as Ant lays his hand on my shoulder, and a couple of minutes later moves it to my upper back. "I'm sorry," he says, and I hear his voice grow soft, which only makes me want to cry more, but I keep it together and stay there, arms crossed, knees together, tight lipped, watching the soaring birds in the air.