Hello August, Please Be Good To Me

Chapter 37: Fourth of Ju-why?

It feels so good to be a work, especially today. I would almost be in a happy mood if it weren't for Justin leaving the barbecue so soon. I tried to figure out what Sierra was talking to him about beforehand, but she wouldn't say one word to me. Cat is out sick, and there's new guy on the same schedule as me. My hands stay busy, but my mind keeps wandering. It's occurred to me that I don't like when me and Justin fight, even if it's the first time. I don't know what to do at this point. "Did you try texting him? Or calling?" Mariana asks me as I'm cutting cookie cake slices. "Yeah, that was the first thing I did," I lie. For some reason I'm too scared to even call him. Or to see if he's called me. I realize that it's hard for Mariana to give me advice if when I can't tell her the whole story. Won't tell her. Or is it I can't?

"Think any harder and I think something gonna blow," Mariana comments, and I sigh and bite my lip. "You okay?" Mariana asks me, and swipe at my face to discourage my watery eyes from dripping. I just need to keep it together; I'm too emotional right now. And for what? "For what?" I say out loud, and the new guy, Christian hears me. "Huh?" I wave him off and take off my apron. "Nothing, don't mind me. Mariana, I'm going to my car I'll be back." I shouldn't be going anywhere while I'm on the clock, but I feel like if I don't go anywhere I'll burst. The fireworks were nice, but I went inside soon after they started. Sierra was up under Uncle Dennis, a clean indicator that she didn't want anything to do with me. It times like then and right now I wonder how I even got through high school.

I compare time periods. I still had anxiety, I still fought with Sierra, I still cried (to myself, and rarely)...All in all I kept all those things to a minimum. Nobody could tell the difference. And if they did, they never let me know. I think about how Justin has called me his best friend and told me he loves me....multiple times on that last one. I compare him to Lindsey. Was I closer to one over the other? No...they're pretty equal. I lean against the side of my car, trying to clean my mind so I can go back inside. Things never seem to get busy until either me or Mariana leaves to do something. "God help me," I exhale, looking towards the heavens as if that might sudden solve all my problems. When nothing particular exciting happens, I gather myself and stride back into the mall. I can be tough too. And if not, I can be damn good actor if I need to be.

At home I figure I can sleep away my problems, and I try clearing my head as I lean into the pillows. As soon as I make some progress, my phone starts ringing. To answer or not answer, that is the question. "Hello?" I hear a dry chuckle. "Sierra!" I sound a lot more surprised than I feel.

"Lyric, do you take any drugs I not aware of?"

"No...Huh?"

"Smoke any pot?"

"What the heck? No –"

"Have a secret double life you want to tell me about?"

This last question causes me a moments hesitation, but only because it sounds so crazy. Thankfully Sierra doesn't pause for a breath to investigate my own pause. "Okay. 'Cause I'm just trying to figure out why you push him away. He doesn't know why either." It's my turn to cut in, and I turn the tables in a heartbeat.

"So that's what you were talking to him about?"

"Ly—"

"And I'm not pushing anyone away, once again you're blaming me like this is my fault!"

"He—"

"Maybe it's his fault, maybe it's nobody's fault! But not me."

"If you would—"

"And another thing; why is it that—"

"Lyric shut up and let me say something!"

I only stop shouting because I hear how loud I've gotten. "I just don't want you to mess this up, alright? Justin doesn't deserve this. Granted I applaud him for taking the challenge of dating you, but, hey let me finish, but I just don't get it. Like it's time to let that sex thing go, it's really got you traumatized, and if you're mad at him, which if you are I don't understand why but you should tell him how you feel...why are you laughing?" I can't help it. I take a moment to settle down before even attempted to open my mouth for words. "Sierra, you're talking like I'm the one who's stuck in the past. I forgot about that a while ago," mostly true, "and If you think that's my problem let me suggest not going into psychology. You're terrible." I don't hear Sierra talk back. "Hello," I ask. Then I press on, because I know she's still on the line. "Well I'm just fine okay, and neither you or Justin need to worry about me."

That night seems to be the hardest to shut my brain off on. I feel a physical ache in my chest, which is new compared to the heartache I know I'm imagining. I'm crying over a boy, and I do not like the way it feels. At all. Before I know it, my hand is on my phone and I start composing a message.

Justin, I'm so sorry. i feel like I say this too much where we're both concerned, but I just want you to know that even though u can say u love me with no problems, i still struggle with it, like I'm afraid, well not really afraid, cuz that's not the word, but please please PLEASE don't feel like I'm pushing you away, I swear I'm not. i just don't wanna put my issues on u, like sometimes I can't sleep at night cuz

I delete everything I typed, it sounds so bad I don't even know why I wrote any of it. I put my phone under my pillow and lay there until I can't remember when I fall asleep.