Hello August, Please Be Good To Me

Chapter 36: Sharp as Claws

It's obvious to everyone that Justin and I are having it out right now. Justin sticks with the guys aka his friends, not mine, and I don't let Sierra out of my sight. "What did y'all fight about?" Sierra finally asks me, after a period of studying me and Justin apart. "Something stupid," I say, and it surprises me how true that is. And how easy it was to say. "Well then, if it's stupid why don't you just make up and be happy?" I cut my eyes at that girl so fast. "Why do I have to be the one to make up?" I demand and it's Sierra's turn to cut her eyes. "Because," she starts, "if it's his fault, he would have said sorry and you would still be worlds apart from him, and if it's your fault, which I'm just gonna assume it is, you can't help being stubborn," she nods as if she's just ended a great sermon.

I don't stop to consider if she's right. Again. "You would know a thing or two about being stubborn wouldn't you?" I throw at her, but she only rebounds. "Yes I would, but I know how not to hurt the people I love with it." I stare daggers into her. "Don't make me out to be the bad guy! And I told you, stop with this love thing. I don't love him. Love is for old married couples, and parents with kids...and maybe people going down the aisle," I say, having a sudden thought about how normal divorce is. Sierra looks disgusted with me. "Unbelievable. I don't know why I root for you guys, I need a new OTP. You're such a dumbass," she leaves from the kitchen and heads outside to where her dad is cooking on the grill. I'm so angry I'm shaking, which rarely happens. All of my aunt and uncle's neighbors seem to be having a good time, I probably could just as easily join them. I glimpse at Sierra and Uncle Dennis, before turning my gaze on Justin and the rest of the guys hanging out outside, tossing a Frisbee. Except he's not the one running around.

Why is it so hard to open up? And why does he feel the need to be in my head? I didn't ask to hear his thoughts last night, Besides, I don't need him worried about me either. I almost prefer this uncomfortable silence to the beseeching look when I passed out. Like I need help. That memory is still fresh. And Sierra can drink bleach. I know I only mean that for the moment, but I don't do anything to retract the thought either. I picture it just floating in the air, right above my head. Aunt Ja'Nice comes in, back from Publix, and I help her with the sodas and other drinks she's bought along with an ice cream cake. "Sierra's supposed to be helping me, but I appreciate her surrogate," my aunt says, as I take a spoon and scrap off a piece of the cake when she's not looking. "Trust me, you don't want her help," I snap, and try to soften in my tone. She looks up from the receipt in her hands, and I get up to put the cake in the freezer so I have something to do.

"Did you see plastic forks and knives," she asks, wisely leaving my attitude alone. She's used to me and Sierrra's cat fights. "Nope," I stay in the freezer, enjoying the frigid cold. "Let me go check my car, otherwise I might be making a trip back."

As soon as Ja'Nice heads back outside, Robert and Nicky come in, and I feel that old sense of dread settle in my bones. Old because I thought I was used to non-family male company by now.

"My Uncle -"

"Lyric? Fix that."

"Yes, please. He's no fun," Robert and Nicky and I all glance out the window, looking at Justin. Why is Sierra talking to him? I see her sit next to him. "There's nothing to fix." I wave the matter off with my hands, and instead grab drinks for them. Only Robert opens his. I love the crack and fizz sound that comes with opening a soda. "Kay, then why does our boy think you're mad at him?" Nicky asks, and I laugh. Why does he always think I'm mad at him? When have I ever been mad at him (and meant it)? "I don't know why Justin's delusional," I say sarcastically, and both guys crack up. "Don't tell Amanda, but I like you way better," Nicky says, and Robert fights to keep his drink in his mouth. "If you weren't dating Justin, I'd cuff that," Robert wags his eyebrows and my laughing turns back into uneasiness. What do I say next? "Naw, you'd have to go through Ant first. Actually, it's amazing he ain't even in here." Nicky and Robert seem to be fine all their own, without my help, so I focus back outside. I hear phrases like "in his feelings," and "whipped", and bite my lip. Uncle Dennis walks away from his grill, carrying a tray with hot food, and walks into the kitchen through the slide door. "Who wants some wings?" he asks, and instantly I see hands swoop into the pan shaped tray. Uncle Dennis cuts off a slap of chicken and feeds it to me, and I grin and pull it out of my mouth. "It's good Uncle Dennis," I say, and Robert and Nicky chime in.

I look back outside, and see my aunt and Sierra talking; Ja'Nice must have gone through the back gate. Sierra has her arms crossed and it looks like her mom is yelling about something but I doubt it's related to me. Sierra might understand better the situation better if I told her things, but there's no need. I'll be the dumbass if it means her staying in the dark about my issues. Those aren't things you just tell anyone. Or tell at all. "Right?" Robert asks, fist out as if he wants me to bump it. "Right," I say, and tap my fist with his having no idea what was just said.