Hello August, Please Be Good To Me

Chapter 20: Blackbird Stressed

I lay in my bed, both bored and missing Justin's company. After a while, I get on my laptop, but just stare at the screen. My dad comes in after a while, and I realize that it's been a long while since I haven't seen him going out the door to work on into his room coming home, and vice-versa. "Hey daddy," I say cheerfully, feeling anything but. "Almost time to go down there. I've got the hotel booked and everything," he says, and I know he's talking about orientation. Once again, I get that prick about college and I start to feel a little sick. I don't know when I'll finally realize that summer won't last forever. His eyes light up with excitement, and I try to mirror his without betraying my true attitude. "Yeah, it'll be fun. The campus is really pretty," I say, which isn't a lie. I went to the University of Central Florida on a college campus tour with the high school back in September last year. It was then that I decided I didn't want to go anywhere else for school (with the exception of New York University, but I don't want to go there), and filled out the online application right on my phone as our group tour guide led us through the Student Union. I'm saved from saying any more when my phone rings and I excuse myself to answer it on the first ring.

"Hey?"

"Hey Lyric, you wanna do something today?"

"Yeah! I really don't-"

"I'm coming by your house, is that okay?"

"Of course, I'll be here, you know I'm not heading anywhere else."

We hang up, and I notice my dad is still standing where he was. "I thought it was weird you were at the house today. Got bored of your friends?" My dad wasn't aware of the fact that my friends consisted of two college seniors I worked with at the mall. Who knew what Lindsey, Abby and the rest were doing right now? I knew through Instagram they spent a lot of time either at each other's houses, at the beach, or at the mall on the other side of town. It didn't bother me. "Very funny dad," I log off my computer and start to gather my stuff so I'm ready to go. Usually I stand outside for a quick moment before Justin comes, but my dad is still trying to hold a conversation. I talk for him. "But no, I've just been trying to spend some time in my room too now that school's over," I explain, thinking about my break from taking rides with Justin and being out until late. I had no one to blame but me, and Sierra's words still stung in my mind. I'm not afraid to be intimate; I'm very close with the people I love. That word makes me think of Justin, and Justin makes me think of how my dad has yet to meet him. An opportunity is literally about to be handed to me, but I can't bring myself to jump on it. There's no need though.

Justin honks outside, and without thinking I yell, "Dang Justin, I'm coming!" making my dad stop in his tracks as I open the door. "Justin?" Oops. "Yeah," I call back, praying he lets it go, let's me go. I smile at Justin, sure that the butterflies in my stomach are just for him, when I realize my dad has followed me outside. "Hello sir!" my dad bellows from outside the passenger side window, and I cringe and turn away embarrassed. "Dad, this is Justin. Justin, Dad," I say weakly. This is not have any of it should have gone down. "Hey Mr. Moore. Nice to meet you," Justin says brightly, and my dad crosses over to his side to shake his hand. Justin steps out the car, and I buckle in my seat belt, even though the possibility that I'll be staying home looms over my head. "So you're the car that's been zooming my baby girl away a lot this summer." Everything I could say to speed things along never makes it past my throat, and I sit in the car silent. "Thought it was Lyric's friend Lindsey with a new ride," and they both laugh, Justin calm and cool and...completely at ease.

"No sir, haven't heard about me have you?"

"Not at all, and I can say the same for you."

I try to make myself as small as possible in the seat. They're tones are so chipper and easy-going, but I can tell from experience that my dad is going to be upset if he isn't already, and Justin might want me to do some explaining. At this point I wouldn't mind being a blackbird and flying my butt someplace far. "We need to invite him over Lyric! You drag your other loud friends to the house!" It's as if the word 'friend' is a kick in the head to Justin, but he doesn't say anything until we're finally out of earshot of my dad.

"Friend?" Justin says slowly, turning his head to me, and I grimace.

"Please don't take this the wrong way-"

"What other way is there to take it Lyric? Does he even know we're dating?"

Silence meets Justin, and I feel tears forming in my eyes. Dear Lord, why am I crying? "Are you embarrassed of me?" Justin says, driving who knows where. "No!" I exclaim, my voice thick with emotion and stress. I can't help it, but it's like I keep pushing Justin away, and by the Grace of God he's still there! That stupid night stands between us like a brick wall. I went farther than I wanted and I can't get back to the way I felt before. Sierra talk all she wants, but I'm not afraid. I risk a glance at Justin, and I see anger playing in his expression, and I at that moment I hate myself. If he regrets breaking it off with Amanda, I don't blame him. I also don't blame him if he decides to say, "I don't love you anymore. It was a mistake. I misspoke." We're in the parking lot of Best Buy, but the mood between us has changed. I knew I didn't deserve his love. I have to get away. "I'm such a...I'll be back," I say and walk out the car in the opposite direction of the store entrance. My heart thumps and I hold my breath to fight the urge to vomit.