Hello August, Please Be Good To Me

Chapter 16: Alter Call

On Sunday, as usual, I ride with my aunt Mary and uncle Dennis to New Mt. Zion, and contemplate all the things I've done wrong over the past week. I've mostly broken myself out of the habit; especially when my aunt caught wind of the fact that I was beating myself up over anything and everything. But sometimes the habit comes back full force, and today it's here to stay. I guiltily remembered me and Justin's latest escapade. Actually I don't want to even dwell on what we did. Even though it was perfectly legal. And socially acceptable. From a high-school-going-into-college standpoint. I let out an exasperated giggle for all the mental trauma I'm causing myself. No, we didn't have sex. I didn't need divine intervention to stop me from that when I had that particular subject covered. Nope, we had just happened to sleep together on his couch without the knowledge of his parents' or my dad's. For two nights. In fact, my dad was convinced I'd spent the time sleeping over at Lindsey's house.

Any other girl my age would think I was just about stupid for freaking out over sleeping with a guy, of all things, and deceiving a parent or two in the process. But I think it's more than clear that I'm not like any other girl my age. And it hadn't been Justin's idea. It had been my own. My own fault. Justin's parents had gone out of town for a funeral, and instead of him taking me home right when it got dark, I called my dad to tell him I wouldn't be home, and on the first night we just fell asleep on opposite ends of his room, me alone in his bed. On the second night, Justin brought out his dad's expensive bottle of 'dark stuff', my nickname for it, and we'd found a spot on the couch under the covering of a cotton blanket. We hadn't gotten drunk, but both of us were quite buzzed. I felt rather comfortable bra-less and pant-less, and I don't doubt Justin felt more than fine with the situation. In fact, everything was going great, and it's amazing what the near naked body of a boy feels like right next to yours. Amazing for a moment, I realized. I needed a reminder of anatomy class and a wake-up call apparently (thanks God).

I push the image out of my mind as my uncle opens the car door for me. I never noticed how prominent Justin's abs was; I was too pissed at Destin to really appreciate them. Uncle Dennis helps my aunt up the steps. Justin had kissed my lips, and after catching the unspoken permission in my eyes, he worked his way down my body, all the while my in my mind, I was on the same static screen old, broken televisions can be on. One moment I felt like I was swimming deep, inside a dreamlike state...my dress snags on a nearby tree - the next Justin was up right apologizing and I stared down confused at my stomach and top of my thigh which were splattered with a light colored liquid. Even I couldn't ignore what had happened, or the panicky feeling of risk taking. What did I learn that night?

1. I'm not ready,

2. I'm not ready.

3. I'm not ready.

We step into the sanctuary, and the choir is already singing, and my mind reels back to those two nights. What was I thinking? And Justin was still an unknown mystery to my dad. I still feel ashamed as though it happened last night, and I sway along to the church songs as if I'm completely there.

I was completely freaked out, and threw my clothes back on like lightning. My cheeks burned so hot, I thought I would catch on fire, and I couldn't look Justin in the eyes. 

Everyone around sits down, and I gather the skirt of my dress and have a seat as well and try to pay attention to the service. 

We cleaned up; the wine, the pizza box, his semen (gah), and I lay on the floor on top of a layer of pillows. I didn't sleep well at all. 

I see my aunt and uncle's eyes close and their heads bow and I do the same. 

Justin dropped me off home, asking me if I was okay every couple minutes or so. I'd told him to stop apologizing, and instead sat on the passenger side and turned up the volume to discourage conversation. He thought I was mad. And I was, but not at him. I smiled to reassure him, but still turned the music up ever so slightly. 

Bro. John was still praying, and he tended to be long winded, so I open my eyes, grab and one of the bibles in the pocket underneath the pew, and flip silently. 

Before he let me out the car, Justin begged me to say something to him. I smiled and let myself out. "I'll see you later." That was officially four days ago.

I open my eyes, which were closed for a long time, and now the offering baskets were being passed between ushers and people. I reach into my wallet to pull out my tithes and toss it in the tray as it moves smoothly down our row. I make the mistake of catching my aunt's eyes, but before she can really look, I fake a smile and turn my head to the front. My stomach is grumbling in hunger, and I try to be patient and wait for at least the Doxology. I pray for God to give me patience, pushing back thoughts of Justin. He's called me, and all I can do is text replies.

Everyone files into the fellowship hall, where breakfast is being brought out and served. I smile and say thank you to the elders and even Rev. George and Rev. Jemone, who have known me since I was little. But the moment I sit down with my hot plate and say grace, my feelings of hunger banish, and I'm stuck staring at my eggs and sausage miserly. I take a bite out my toast just to say I ate something, then give it to a little boy name Cedric who spends most of his time eating when his mother doesn't stop him. I pull out my phone,

Lryic, I'm worried about u. please just call me

I'm fine, don't worry J

He hadn't been by the house, and the days since I'd heard his actual voice were growing.

U keep missing my calls too

I'm rereading theses from last night, but the choked up feeling is one I still can't swallow.

I'll brb, since u wanna talk so bad

Why did I lie again?

ok