Hello August, Please Be Good To Me

Chapter 49: Count the Stars

So I made the deadline. Everything else has suffered, but only a little bit and only for a couple of days really. Unfortunately my clothes stink just as much as I did, no thanks to the wet load that never finished its cycle. When my dad questions me about work, seeing me emerge from the room looking like death itself, and though I can't think of a good excuse in time, I just use my exhaustion to my advantage, pretending I only understood part of what he said. "I finished the work, yay..." I go to lean on the counter and give him a thumbs up, but I feel myself sliding, and it isn't until my dad reaches out quickly to grab and pull me up, that I realized I've lost my balance. "Sleep. Now," my dad demands, and I stumble back into my room, but I don't remember going to sleep.

We're out in the Bluett's backyard, me and Justin. A blanket is underneath us and Justin keeps bumping his knee into my thigh. "Gosh, it's only been a week," I smile, not sure how to take Justin's suddenly need for skin contact. "A week too long," he replies, and let's his knee rest on me. Our nighttime picnic isn't complete without out Oreos, and I reach over him to grab a few. I pull an Oreo apart, licking the cream off of one side, slowly lifting my eyes to bat them at Justin. "What did you do to get by?" Justin shrugs then takes one of my Oreos.

"Omg, hey now."

"Nothing."

"The hell you didn't," my giggles seem much louder in the night air, as Justin pokes my ribcage. "Mmm, nothing interesting or important," Justin answers finally, but I'm not willing to let the subject drop completely. He did just poke me and steal my cookie after all. "What about the guys? You didn't do guy things with them? Don't guys do things together," at this point I can't keep a straight enough face, and I know I sound silly to him. I guess it was a long week for me too and I'm only now seeing the consequences. Our hands are clasped together, and I'm not sure how long it's been since we found one another and kept it that way. I had spared the details of my self-isolation week, except to show Justin pictures of what I had submitted in the nick of time. Most of them are some type of architectural building, with various use of shading, but the last two are different. One of them is the inside of a school building, a wood shop kind of room for the elementary school level, inspired by the time I spend with the kids at the church, and the master bedroom with Justin's dead cat perched on top of the bed.

Justin lingers on this piece longer than the rest of them, and I think it's due to the cat. "Nice bedroom," Justin says, which takes me a bit of guard. "Yeah...it's something I'd pictured would be pretty cool for some nice couple. Haha, if I even go down that career path." Justin slides back and forth between two photos on my phone. His lips pout, much to my confusion until he says, "So it's not for us?" I balk at this, seeing exactly why he stared at the picture so wistfully. "No it's not for us..." I say a little too intensely. He's alluding to a future possibility I haven't even considered and won't be considering for a long while if I can help it. My body has shrunk from Justin's closeness, and I catch Justin staring off into space, his expression unreadable. Did I make a mistake? I feel guilty and I'm not sure what for. Maybe he was just joking? Then why does he look so solemn, and stone still? I take his hand and trace the outline with my fingers, not sure what to say until I say it.

"Eventually, yeah. I don't see why not," I chance looking at his face. His expression has softened, and I wonder what he's thinking about. I don't ask though; I'm afraid of what he might say. "Good, 'cause I'm not going anywhere," he says to the darkness, the porch light finally turning on, now that it's dark enough. I allow myself the tinniest time to think about a future with Justin, about what could happen in the next few years, but a dull aching in my chest starts up, and I cast away my thoughts, leaving the daydreaming to Justin. I'll stay in the present and count my stars. When I look up and follow Justin's gaze, it's actually pointed up at the stars above us. There aren't very many visible, but the ones out shine real bright. Justin is humming and it takes me a while to figure out the song. "Shine bright like a diamond," I sing softly, and he breaks off, chuckling, and leans back on the blanket. I stay sitting up, our hands still together, and our legs still touching in some fashion.

I know eventually I'll have to go back home, get in my own bed, try to go to sleep, but for now I cuddle next to Justin, our chests rising and falling at different times. The light makes it decent enough for me to see his Arabic tattoo, and with a pang, I remember the words on his back, and gnaw at my pinkie knuckle. Just to prove a point to myself, I take a deep breath and sit up again. "What's wrong?" Justin asks, and I shake my head to calm his fears. I'm still working on my own! "Take your shirt off," I whisper, and I see Justin's face scrunch up. "Uhh, what now?" I giggle, but it's more out of nervousness than anything else. "Take it off," I say again, trying to find my confidence. Justin obliges, and off his shirt goes. He tosses it into my hands and settles back down with his arms underneath his head. "What now?" he asks, when I don't do anything. I snap out of it. "Lay on your stomach," I tell him, and he does as he's told. Carefully not to hurt him, I get up on my knees and straddle him, which causes Justin's back muscles to tense up, then suddenly relax again. "Not complaining. I like where this is going," he says into the ground, and I roll my eyes. You don't even know where this is going.

Slowly I look down at the tattoo across his back, and trace it with my pointer finger.Only the word sleep gets attention, the word that makes me uneasy out of the whole quote, and I rest my lips against his shoulder blades, and sigh even though it comes out shakily. I will not cry. I will not cry.