Hello August, Please Be Good To Me

Chapter 38: Can't Live Without Him

This Sunday, I'm not in service but in the nursery volunteering. I bounce a baby Jackie on my lap lightly to help her fall asleep, longing for the days when that was me. Maybe I should break up with Justin. Make it easier on the both of us. No sooner do I think that, I'm convinced I've been shot in the chest. Jackie's even breaths bring me back to the room and I focus on the toys scattered across the floor, and the TV turned down low. There's a total of three kids in the age group I'm working with today, all in the eight month range, and all adorable.

Since I've made it clear to myself that I don't want to break it off, I guess that leaves the other thing, Which I have yet to figure out. What is it that Justin loves about me? I don't even love myself right now. It takes every ounce of strength I have not to fall apart some days...not that he knows. I feel completely fine shutting him out, if that's what he's going to call it.

I wish my mom was here. And that's not something I wish very often. Really never, when I think about it. That's one of the few traumas I've repressed that I really shouldn't have, but the damage is done. She would probably understand my reasons and tell me what I should do. But she's not here. I'm by myself, I got into this hole myself, and if I want Justin back, I have to get him back myself. Grabbing onto my sudden can-do attitude, I reach for my phone and text Justin, so I don't psyche myself out.

I'm sorry. again.

The phone rings right after I text him and quickly I silence it so the babies don't wake up. "Why are you apologizing?" is the first thing he says. "Because..." All my reasons sound so small compared to a few seconds ago. "It feels so good to hear your voice," I finish instead. "And I guess I'm sorry for biting you're head off the other night," I remember to say. I feel a small sense of relief, and feel like I'm doing something right. "Lyric, we need to get something straight. I need to get something straight." Uh oh. "Are you free right now?" he asks, and I know that's not what he wanted to say. "Well...I'm at church right now." I glance at the quiet room. "But I should be gone after two. Where do you want me to meet you?" I'm feeling eager to make things right, I'd rather just rush to the part where we make up and never have issues ever again. "Come over, I'll be in the backyard."

It's actually after three when service ends, and I hope Justin doesn't mind that I'm late. I rush over as fast as I can, trying not look at the time on the clock. I even go Walmart to get Oreos as a peace offering. I pull up in his drive way and unbuckle, but don't move just yet. Then figuring I've wasted more than enough time, I get out. After knocking on the door a couple times and waiting a reasonable amount of time in between them, I look down at my phone to see the time, but see this instead.

the door's unlocked

Well this is new. Mr. and Mrs. Bluett must not be home, because I turn the knob and let myself in to silence. Closing the door, I lock it, thanks to habits, and tip toe to the other side of the house. It's similar to my house, where the garage and backyard are concerned: small and at the very back of the home. I've never seen their backyard before, and feel a sense of excitement when I see a hammock and a patio swing. Of course Justin is on the hammock. I make my way outside, cookies tightly gripped in my hand as I walk closer to him. I start to hear his deep breathing a couple feet away from him, and finally I'm standing over him. He looks so peaceful, arms behind his back. He's wearing a muscle tee so I can clearly see his tattoo. Everything I've done seems really silly, leading up to our fight. No, it's really childish. I place the cookies on the tree stump right next to one of the poles helping to hold the hammock, and climb in, expecting Justin to wake up.

And he does. Thanks to my poise and grace...well lack thereof. "Oof," I slip and land right on Justin's stomach, which is harder than I remember, and he wakes up startle and still half asleep. "What, huh? What happened." He sees me smushed up against him, and I quickly try to adjust myself next to him. "Hi," I sheepishly add, when he doesn't say anything. Just when I think he might be mad at the fact that I'm late, I rush to explain but stop abruptly when he moves over to make room for me. I'm tired of being hesitant, so suck in my last bit of courage and lay on his chest instead. I don't trust myself to communicate in words just yet, but this might show him that I don't have any hard feelings.

"Lyric?" I hear him ask, and I turn my head and upper body so I'm facing him. His freckles are more obvious in the sunlight and I break out into a grin. "What?" he asks me softly, and I notice he's referring to my upturned lips. "Nothing," I say. Then I think of the smartest thing to say next but it's stopped when Justin leans in and kisses me. I wrap my arms around him and he does the same, pulling me up closer to him. "I can't live without you Love Song," he breathes into me, and for a split second I'm annoyed. He took my line! I pull back, the feeling ebbing away. "Justin, I know you love me and you make it very obvious, and you don't hold anything back, and..." I want to just come clean because I know in my heart Justin will except me. So why are the words jammed up?

"I believe that love is a strong word," I go on instead deviating from the path I had. "And it's not something you can just throw around, so that's why...which is why..." Wow this is harder than I thought. I should have planned this out more. Justin looks up at me patiently, my hand lightly tapping his chest as I think about what to say next. "So umm...I don't know, it just kinda freaked me out a little when you just told me. Like it was nothing. And I couldn't say it back. I want to say it back!" Dear Lord, reel me back in, ALL the way back. I'm concentrating on Justin's expression so hard I'm starting to sweat on my forehead. "But I just...I hope you can accept the fact that I can't offer you that part of me just yet, but umm," I realize that my tapping has increased in speed and weight, and stop, bringing my palm up to his cheek. "I really don't know what I'm saying anymore," I grope for something that will wrap up what I said in less words but there's no need.

Justin kisses me again, and I feel safe in his embrace. "I brought cookies," I manage to say in between kissing. "Oreos?" Justin says on my neck. "Yeah! What else?"I reach for them, but my arms are too short. "I can wait," Justin says as he pulls me down.