New beginnings (boyxboy)✔

N.B 20

Rainier's POV

Christmas moved closer and closer. Everyone in the town was excited about it. Owners started decorating their stores in anticipation of the big day. You could feel the expectations of kids all around. Christmas was a good day for most. It wasn't for me. It used to be, but that year I dreaded it.

I spent time with Sebastian, but I spent more time with Ryan. Sebastian and I hung around every now and then. I still felt about him the same as before. Nothing had changed even though a part of me had hoped it would. I still saw him as just a friend.

My feelings for Ryan were definitely increasing. I learned more about him when we hung out. It was mostly with the group, but on some occasions it was just the two of us. I helped him out with his schoolwork. We usually hung out in public, so nothing happened.

On the 10th of December the first snow fell during the night. It was beautiful. It also brought back painful memories. It was a piece of the puzzle. Soon the puzzle would be complete. Soon everything that was there that day would be reunited. Soon it would be the 23rd.

Everyone in the family loved snow winters, so they were excited when we woke up the next morning and saw that the ground was covered with snow. Everyone remarked how beautiful it was. I just sat at the table during breakfast and said nothing. They realized how quiet I was and said nothing. They probably thought they would aggravate the situation.

It was my turn to drive that day. I didn't feel I could do it. I had never been afraid of driving in snow, until after the accident. I couldn't trust myself to drive properly. I didn't want a repeat of that day.

I didn't say anything to Julie and got on the driver's side. She got on the passenger side and I watched as she put on her seatbelt. The visions were coming back to me; the freezing water, the stuck seatbelt, the airbag, the feeling of drowning. It was all coming back, except the events prior to that.

"Rainier, should I drive?" Julie asked timidly.

"Do you think it was me?" I asked, surprising her.

She knew what I was talking about. I had asked her that question before.

She breathed loudly. "Rainier it doesn't matter", she said.

"It matters to me Julie. 3 people. I can't..."

"Rainier, it doesn't matter who did it. I doesn't matter who I think did it. You have to let it go", she said.

"I wish I knew, but I'm scared of knowing", I said.

"Dr Liebenberg said when your mind is ready it will all come back", she said.

"She also said I forgot the details to protect myself. Do you see what that means? I wanted to not feel guilty. It had to have been me", I said.

She released her seatbelt and leaned over and released my seatbelt. She got out of the car and gestured for me to get out. She climbed into the driver's seat. I got in, sitting on the passenger seat.

"You could have also forgotten because you saw something tragic during that moment", she said starting the engine.

I shrugged. She let the gear in and the car surged forward.

*

Julie and I were a bit late. Reducing visibility forced Julie to drive slowly, and the little conversation we had at home in the car also delayed us.

When we got to school we had to pass by the lockers to get our books. I spotted Ryan there standing with the vice principal. His locker was open. The bell had already rung, so I wondered what was happening.