New beginnings (boyxboy)✔

N.B 27

Ryan's POV

I always knew Tristan meant a lot to Rain, and that whatever circumstances they'd parted in, they weren't good. I didn't know the depth of the story, and after being told, I wish I didn't.

Curiosity got to me. I just wanted to know why everyone was so secretive about Tristan. I'd noticed that Rain had been offish lately. My immediate thought was that he didn't want to be with me anymore. He gave short answers and seemed to just stare into space. I thought he was getting bored and would rather be with someone else.

I could have thought of anyone, but I thought of Tristan. He was a touchy subject, so maybe he'd done something to hurt Rain and Rain still wanted him back. My jealousy streak conjured such scenarios and Rain's behavior fuelled it.

When I told him I didn't deserve him, I was thinking of my own secret that I was hiding from him. I didn't think he was hiding something bigger.

I understood his pain at having caused the death of his boyfriend. What I couldn't understand was that he'd killed my parents as well.

I wanted to understand. I deeply wanted to understand but I couldn't. The only thoughts running around in my mind was that he'd deprived me of my parents. He'd taken away the people that meant the world to me. He'd taken away the only people I had.

After my parents' death my life went downhill. I returned to Aqua St. Parks despite my uncle's wishes. I couldn't stay in the town knowing it was where my parents died. Their death had catapulted my life into disaster.

My parents weren't the greatest people, but they were loving. They loved me. Despite my mistakes they stood by me. I was their only child. I knew they cared. But they had their flaws. Mom was bipolar and dad gambled his money away. They had many fights. Dad was so addicted to gambling that he lost so much money, putting us in debt. When he and mom died, he had accumulated too much debt. Knowing they were not going to get their money back, the people he owed came and took everything. They took the house too. My uncle asked me to come live with them, but I just couldn't. I quit school, sold my car and tried to make ends meet. I got jobs with low wages, and sometimes resorted to petty crimes when I couldn't pay the rent. I smoked weed to forget every once in a while how my life had turned upside down.

I didn't keep in touch with my uncle, knowing he wouldn't approve, but somehow he found me. He was disgusted by the way I was living so he dragged me back with him. I didn't want to come so I thought of running away, but somehow I couldn't. There were many opportunities to do so, but I hadn't taken any of them. I guess it felt good to live in a clean house with food available whenever I wanted. I guess it felt good to not always be required to be so tough. I didn't need to hustle for things.

I knew what happened to my parents was a mistake. Rain hadn't meant to do it. I knew he felt awful about it, but it still hurt. It hurt more knowing it was him. Of all people, it was him. I wanted him to not be the person I felt like loathing. But it was him. He'd unintentionally ruined my life.

I felt conflicted. There was no denying I felt something for him. I loved spending time with him. I cared about him. But a part of me wanted to hate him. I felt heartbroken. It was just too much to deal with. I couldn't look at him and not think of what he had done. I didn't know if what I felt for him was strong enough, but I knew I didn't want to see him yet. It was too painful.

I saw his heartbroken face when I left, but that couldn't make me stop. I couldn't stay there knowing I wanted to hate him. I couldn't stay there knowing I felt like someone was punishing me. Rain had seemed perfect. Being with him had felt right. He gave me weird and wonderful sensations. He made me happy. I loved touching and kissing him, but I loved just cuddling and talking with him more. Somewhere, somehow I was tripping and falling.