New beginnings (boyxboy)✔

N.B 28

Days went by. Everyone went on with their lives regardless of my situation. I went to school, trying hard not to alarm my parents. I didn't concentrate and had to be constantly told to pay attention. Julie was worried about me and so were my friends. Ryan didn't call me and I didn't call him. I couldn't pick up a phone and potentially face his wrath. I couldn't ask him to forgive me when I couldn't even forgive myself.

After two days of our breakup, I was a mess. The nightmares intensified. Though I didn't have a memory of the first two impacts, I imagined how it would have been like for Ryan's parents. They had probably not seen what happened either. Or maybe they had tried to get out of the way but couldn't.

One afternoon on the 20th of December I wrote my thoughts down in my notebook.

I've been looking at Ryan's phone number a lot during the past two days. I want to hear his voice, but deep down I know I won't like hearing it. He's not going to be happy hearing from me. I can't face hearing him say he hates me. That would just break me down. But am I not broken already? I can't stand to see my face in the mirror. I can't stand to hear my own voice. I can't stand to even live. I don't deserve to live. I should have died. It was supposed to have been me, not Tristan or Ryan's parents. Tristan's parents say it doesn't matter to them, but that does not stop me from wishing I was dead. I can't stand to live. It's too hard carrying all this guilt. I need to go back to where it all started.

My tears dripped onto the notebook. It was so hard having to write that with a straight face. Every word I inked reflected how I felt.

I took a split decision. I put the book on the bed and didn't bother closing it. I grabbed my car keys. The cold air smacked me as soon as I stepped outside, reminding me that I wasn't wearing a sweater. I couldn't go back into the house. It didn't matter anyway. What I was going to face was going to be colder.

I got into my car and backed out of the driveway.

Ryan's POV

"Dude, I think your phone is ringing". It was Leo.

It was a few hours into my shift at the store, late in the afternoon. Leo and I had been unpacking some supplies before he left me to go get his jacket. He was now back.

"Don't play tricks with me man", I said rolling my eyes. I continued doing what I was doing.

Leo shrugged. "Oh well I told you".

"How do you know it's mine?" I asked.

"...Because of your irritating ringtone, and that it was ringing in your locker. It rang like 3 times" he said.

I sighed. Chloe was calling me again. It incensed me that she thought she could just randomly call me as if we were best friends. She knew very well it hurt me every time I heard a cry in the background. But she didn't care, she wanted to check up on me.

I put down the packaging material in my hands and walked to the locker room. I was going to tell that girl to never call me. She had hurt me and it was enough.

When I got to the locker room my phone wasn't ringing. I opened my locker and got it anyway. There were 5 missed calls. It wasn't Chloe who had called me. It was Julie. I frowned, wondering what she wanted. I immediately thought of Rain. I wasn't ready to deal with everything.

I was going to put my phone back into the locker, but it rang while it was still in my hand. It was Julie. I sighed, deciding to just answer.

"Hi" I said.

"Thank God! Hi Ryan, it's Julie", she said quickly.

I raised a brow as if she could see me.

"Do you know where Rainier is?" she asked. There was a lot of urgency in her voice.

"No", I said curtly.

"Oh God! Do you know where he might be?" she asked.

I immediately became alarmed and concerned. "No".

"He uh...he left without telling anyone. He wrote something in his book about...about wishing he was dead. He's really devastated about what happened. We think...we think he's going to...do something. If you hear anything, please let us know", she said.

I felt my heart sink. Despite my thoughts about the accident, I couldn't imagine Rain dead. I avoided him, but I had not considered 'forever'. I couldn't consider forever, not with my feelings for him.

"What did he write exactly?" I asked.

"It's too long. Towards the end he wrote, "I need to go back to where it all started". Prior to that he said it was too hard carrying all the guilt and he should have died", she said. "It could mean 'ashes to ashes, dust to dust'".

"...or it could mean where the guilt started, the accident site", I said.

"That's what mom thought too!"

"Ryan! When I told you your phone was ringing I didn't mean it was okay to answer it and stay for hours!" Leo's voice came booming.

"Jules, I have to go. I'll keep an eye out for him", I said to Julie.

"Thanks", she said. Her sad voice hit me like I had been kicked.

When I hung up I made a decision. I couldn't stay there and wait for news. I couldn't stay and wait for a call that would tell me they had found Rain's body. He had tried killing himself once and almost succeeded. If he was going to try again, he would make sure he succeeded. He'd left home to avoid interruptions.

Leo was standing at the door of the locker room by then.

"You are shades paler", he remarked.

I hadn't even felt the color drain off my face.

"I'll be back", I said quickly.

I walked away from him before he could say anything. I knew where my uncle kept the store delivery trucks keys so I went there. I grabbed the keys, hoping I was not noticed. I picked the truck that wasn't going to be making any deliveries that day. I snuck out of the store and went to the parking lot where I found the truck.

It was a race against time. I drove like my life depended on it, and it felt like it did. I had to get to Rain, and I hoped he was where I was headed.

As I drove I thought about what my life would be like without Rain. He wasn't just anybody. He was the guy who made me laugh effortlessly. He was the guy who gave me butterflies. He made me happy. I loved the moments I had with him. It wasn't his face or his hair or his scent; it was the person he was. He was kind-hearted. He was not judgmental. And we had a connection that couldn't be explained by words. It walked with us everywhere, and blended in with our surroundings. I saw my happiness in his face.

I didn't know if I could deal with the fact that he killed my parents, but I knew I couldn't deal with him leaving the world just yet.