I Am A Monster (David Escamilla A.U.) (#Wattys2015)

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STILL IN THE PRESENT TIME  dedicated to @jesusleto because you wanted me to update ASAP, so I tried...:)

"I've been a victim. I've been a coward hiding underneath my pain, I've been immobilized and watching the system destroy everything I loved, we cannot take this, we must resist this" - Initiation ~ Crown The Empire

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When I woke up, David's arms were still wrapped around me. It was odd, to have his heart beating against my back, his gentle breaths falling evenly on my neck. I couldn't remember the last time I woke up like this. I would normally wake up in pain, or on the ground, shivering from the cold. This time, David's arms were holding me close to his body, as if we've always slept like this...it didn't feel right...but at the same time, it felt like this is how we've always meant to be.

I pulled myself from his unconscious grasp and he groaned in his sleep, rolling onto his back letting a snore leave his mouth. I sat on the edge of the bed, too tired and weirded out by the current situation to completely remove myself from it.

I observed David while he was sleeping. It was the only time I could really look at him without him jumping to conclusions and knocking some sense into me. His knuckles were bruised, but I didn't know if it was from when he was hitting me, or from when he was hitting someone else. His lips were swollen from him biting them in his sleep, and on his neck were hickeys. The last time I passionately kissed David was a year ago, so I knew those 'love-bites' weren't from me. It should have disturbed me more than it did. I only looked him over and noted all of the bruising and scratch marks on his skin. Those were from her. These were from me. Hers were fresh. Mine were scarred.

David grunted and tossed his arm over his stomach and his eyes began to open, blinking in confusion at me. I quickly looked down at the ground, avoiding all means of eye contact. I heard him sigh deeply and the bed creaked as he moved around. I felt the mattress dip a bit when he leaned in to press his face against my back. I pulled away, not wanting to piss him off, but also not wanting to overstay my welcome.

I stood on wobbly legs and leaned down to pick up my discarded clothing from last night. Last night, he didn't push me to have sex. He merely held me, as if he was afraid I would leave. But wasn't that the reason I stayed? Because he needed me? He used to tell me that he didn't know what he would do without me, and he used to tell me how much he depended on me. It made me feel like I would be hurting him more if I left. But I'm only hurting myself by staying.

"Morning." David said quietly. I flinched from his voice and continued to walk to the closet to take clothing out for the day. I placed the dirty clothes in the hamper and I dressed myself in sweats and a loose fitting T-Shirt. I didn't want to respond to his greeting, but I couldn't help myself.

"Hey. How was your night?" I was, of course, referring to his new markings which was pure evidence of what his night was like last night. Dave didn't respond. He only sat up, turning his back to me. I snuck a glance at him and watched his back tense. His rope-like back muscles clenched from his anger which was starting to boil up underneath his skin. Fuck. Why couldn't I keep my mouth shut for once?

"It was..." he trailed off, finishing with an exhale. I nodded once and ran my hand through my hair tiredly.

"I'm going to go cook brunch for when the guys come over." I said, just to warn him to wait until after they were gone before he hurt me. They didn't know. They wouldn't ever know. Only David and I knew, and it was our best kept secret. It was unfortunate to say the least, but the only thing I could picture was Dave's fists crashing into my skin if I ever told another soul. So I kept quiet.