Our Little Secret

Chapter 90

Sarah

New Year's goes by in a haste, just like Christmas, and by the end of the night Jack was ready to rip my throat out of annoyance. I finally allowed him take off his party hat after having forced him to have it on the whole day. He felt ridiculous in front of the nurses, especially since it was his first time meeting them and remembering it.

Jack hasn't mentioned his outburst of apologies to me and I believe he might not even remember it, probably because of his drug intake. And I'm feeling torn whether or not to tell him. I wish to see how he will act towards me when he's normal and not high on morphine. However, it will have to wait for a while. So far, he's been informed about the accident and what happened that night. He remembers it vaguely, everything after the shooting is blank in his mind, and he took it all very well.

I can tell that he's pissed out of his mind and fear that if he gets ahold of Daniel, I might never see neither of them again. Therefore, I keep conversation lightly for now, not mentioning Daniel nor any pictures. Anything that will keep Jack calm and enhance his healing process is my priority right now.

"Can't you come over here?" Jack asks me from his position on the bed. He looks like I'm feeling, completely exhausted.

"I probably shouldn't." I say tiredly, although all I want to do is crawl up next to him and snuggle.

"And I probably shouldn't come and pick you up, but that's what I will do if you don't get over here." Jack says sarcastically with an eye roll.

"You wouldn't be able to lift me, you're too weak." I comment and Jack huffs.

"Are you trying to hurt my self-esteem?" He asks offended, trying to cross his arms without getting tangled up with all the monitor wires.

I raise my brows at the sight and laugh. "How's it going?"

"Oh, shush and get over here." Jack says exasperated and I laugh yet again but do as he say. Soon I'm curled up with one arm around him, and have my head resting on his chest. Jack's steady heartbeat and feeling his chest moving up and down, makes me sigh in relief.

I take ahold of Jack's hand and play around with his fingers. I try to ignore all the cords connected to him, but they bug me deeply. Their unnaturalness keeps getting under my skin and remind me that it's not right that they are connected to Jack. The fact that they are what's keeping him alive and well makes me both terrified and grateful. Without any of this he probably wouldn't be alive, and I don't know what I would have done then.

My mind quickly becomes troubled as I sit and think through all the different scenarios that could have happened. After all the shooter put a bullet into his chest on the opposite side of Jack's heart. The shot would've been fatal if it were not for the fact that the perpetrator is a terrible shooter.

Images of how it happened enter my mind and I try to blink them away, but they refuse to leave. I start to feel panic taking over me as I continue to think things through. What if the shooter would have decided to fire at Jack twice instead and maybe aimed for his head?

"I don't know what I would've done-" I start to speak my thoughts out loud, but my throat thickens and tears spring to my eyes. "If you, if you wouldn't have made it." I end in a whisper, barely getting it out.

Jack looks down at me and notices me crying. "Hey now, don't think like that. I'm right here and not going anywhere." He assures me with a tight smile. I nod at his words and try to blink away the tears, but they keep coming.

"Oh baby." Jack says with a little chuckle. "It's okay." He tightens his hold on me and puts his nose in my hair. Kissing me just below my left ear.

It is like its reversed roles from a few days back when I was the one comforting him. The realization of knowing that Jack could've died is horrible to me, I almost choke on my own tears. "Why would he even do such a thing?"

Jack knows exactly what I am thinking about and his body turns rigid. "I don't know."

He answers with a monotone voice, almost like a machine. He sounds so hollow that I turn my head to look at him and his hard eyes meet mine. Almost scaring me by how impassible they seem, the one emotion I note is anger. So much anger and hatred.

"I should kill him." Jack says darkly, staring straight ahead - focusing on nothing in particular.

"No, you definitely should not. I have no idea who the guy that shot you is, but if there's anything you are going to do, it's to keep away from that person." I say seriously, sitting up as properly possibly next to him. The space it's rather limited. "You nearly died once and that's more than enough."

"Twice." Jack whispers so quietly I barely hear him.

"What?"

"I've nearly died twice." He repeats with a sorrowful voice and I frown. Jack turns his eyes toward me again and this time they're filled with sadness. At first my face is filled with confusion, but slowly I realize as I stare into Jack's empty eyes.

"Oh." I say under a breath and cover my mouth in horror. "The accident." I say barely audible and Jack does a small nod. Then it dawns on me once and for all, I barely know anything about Jack and his life before he came to live at our house.

"What's wrong?" Jack asks noticing my troubled mind.

"I just realized we know barely anything about each other." I tell him honestly, sitting up straight so I can look at him properly.

"Now that's not true, you're probably the one person who knows most about me." Jack disagrees.

"That's only because you barely let anyone come close to you. Come on, Jack, honestly we've known each other for quite a while now and I still can't say I know you fully." I say and the words disturb me more than anything.

"I can't keep on having it like this, Jack. I cannot be with you without actually being with you. I want others to know about us, but mostly I want us to know about us. I want to know everything about you and want you to know everything about me. All my flaws, interests, what I love and what I hate. Everything."

Jack is watching me warily as I speak, but I barely register him being too deep in thought.

"And no more games. Either you are with me or you're not, I won't keep on going back and forth. No cheating, no playing, no backstabbing. I want all cards on the table, all or nothing." I realize I'm giving him an ultimatum but, having the bet in mind, I know he deserves it. Either he chooses to fight with me for us, or I will have to give up on him. If he agrees to this we have so much to talk about, especially him.

"Okay." Jack says after a moment of silence, meeting my eyes determined.

"Okay." I repeat with a nod and take ahold of his hand, squeezing it lightly. This will be like a new start for us, we can make it together. I know we can.

To be continued...