Blue Coffee Mugs and the Agoraphobic [boyxboy] ✔

Thank You

EIGHTEEN

[light trigger warning -> panic attack]

latibule
(n.) a hiding place ; a place of safety or comfort

"Come on, Alan. I know you can do this. This is the first step." Me and Austin are standing at the gate to our front-yard and I'm trying to at least take a step outside.

"I don't know", I say, "I really don't know if I can do this." Austin nods encouragingly, "Yeah, you can. Give me your hand and we'll go together, alright?"

I nod and he takes my shaking hand.

I don't move for a good two minutes and Austin waits patiently. Then I hold my breath and take a step forward. I'm standing just a few inches outside. At first, I don't feel anything and I'm about to laugh and say, "I did it!", when suddenly my head starts to hurt and my breathing quickens.

I look around and clutch Austin's hand. Everything suddenly feels like it's sped up and louder than usual. My knees buckle, like someone hit the bend of them and I fall.

I feel like my throat is shrinking and no matter how much I breathe, there's not enough oxygen getting to my lungs. I start to see black dots that are slowly clouding my vision. I'm scared, really scared, although it seems over-exaggerated, I feel like I'm about to die.

Austin's voice sounds far away, like I'm underwater, "Alan, Alan, it's okay. You're okay. Take deep breaths, deep breaths. I'm right here. Deep breaths."

He keeps repeating that, until it becomes to much, mixing in with the sound of a car driving by and the birds and everything. "I'm trying!", I scream, out of breath. I can only feel how I'm slowly slipping out of consciousness and how someone picks me up, before passing out completely.

—

I wake up, squinting my eyes slightly at the light. My sister is talking to mom on the phone and Nick is holding as cold washcloth to my forehead, while Austin is sitting next to me.

I'm on the couch, "What the hell, what's going on?", I grumble, pushing away Nick's arm. "Dude, you passed out! We were worried as fuck!"

"Calm down, I'm okay", I say and sit up, brushing a strand of hair out of my eyes. "You sure?"

"Yeah, just a bit dizzy. Can you give me a glass of water?" He nods and gets up, walking to the kitchen. "I'm so sorry, Alan", Austin finally speaks up, "that was horrible. I'm so sorry."

I smile, "Hey, it's okay. I knew it was gonna happen anyway. It's not your fault." He sighs and pulls me close to him in a hug, "I was so scared. I'm happy that you're okay."

"Don't be. Thanks for helping me try. It can only get better from here", I chuckle. "Here you go", my brother hands me a glass of water, which I drink quickly. Ina gets off the phone with mom, "Mom, I'll call you back, he woke up, I think he's okay. Is he okay? Are you okay?"

I roll my eyes, smiling, "Yes, Ina. I'm fine."

"Oh, I'm so glad!", she sighs, hugging me tightly, "Mom and dad are so worried. And me too."

After calling my parents and telling them that I'm fine about three hundred times, Austin and I are up in my room again.

"Thanks again for, you know, helping me. This is kind of embarrassing for me, honestly."
"I know a way you could thank me", he laughs. I give him a questioning look. He smirks at me and leans forward slowly.

I close my eyes, but his lips don't reach mine. He stops an inch away from me, giving me the chance to decide if I want to kiss him or not. [okay, quick thing: this is so so important! I put this here for a reason, maybe think about it for a second?]

I smile and push my lips to his, my stomach feeling funny. He responds to the kiss immediately and for a bit, we just sit there, kissing each other.