Blue Coffee Mugs and the Agoraphobic [boyxboy] ✔

The Worst Goodbye

THIRTY ONE

It's 7am, I haven't slept. I'm sitting on my windowsill, not really thinking. My head is just empty.
The sun is coming up, the pure, colorless vastness of the sky stretches over me - indifferent to me and my suffering.

I look over to my desk, remembering Austin's letter. I totally forgot about that.
I get up, unfolding the piece of paper.

Thinking that it can hardly make me feel any worse, I begin to read...
Impatiently brushing away the wetness in my eyes, I reread the letter, this time paying attention to more than just his handwriting.

Hey, babe.
I know this isn't much, and you deserve much more, but I'm not exactly rich so this is the best I could do. I hope you like it anyway. Whenever you read this, know that I love you. I love you so much. Merry Christmas and a happy new year and stuff.
If you ever need anything...
(he had written down his phone number)
- Austin

I read it again and again, until I basically know it by heart. It's light now, maybe 8 or 9am.

Fury rises in me like vomit; I ball up the letter and throw it, with all force against the wall, where it falls to the ground and joins the rest of the garbage heaped around my overflowing trash can.

I've been trying to write, but somehow, I can't seem to come up with anything worth keeping.

I slide to the floor and pull my knees close to my chest and gather whatever warmth my own body can give me. Am I really that naïve, thinking that he would ever feel the same way?
Yes. I'm such a fool for even getting my hopes up like this.

Stupid, right? Yeah, stupid Alan and his stupid heart -incapable of keeping close to reality, so willing to be lead astray by the simplest things.

I shouldn't have trusted him this much.
I can't believe what is happening. Austin betrays me, Ina betrays me. In a matter of seconds, everything just fell apart. How does this happen? I don't understand.

Last night, Austin didn't have anything else to say to me. He just said that he was sorry, but he didn't say that he regretted it, or anything. He left after a while.

Thinking about that, I begin to cry again. I am too nice, right? I should be furious, breaking things, burning pictures of Austin and his stupid letter. But I'm not. And I don't know why.

He's calling me. I consider throwing my phone out of the window, but I'm desperate. Desperate to hear his voice. Desperate to hear the totally logical explanation he has. He has to have one.

"Hello?", I almost whisper.
"Hi.", he answers. I start crying and there's silence.
I think he hung up, but then I can hear him sniffling.

"Why did you-", I clear my throat, "Why did you call?"

"To sort stuff out. I need this to be clear. It's over, right?"
My lip trembles, "I guess so."

"Okay. Alright, I- I'm not gonna ask you for a second chance, because I don't deserve one. But we should stop talking - entirely. We're not good for each other like this, you have to agree. We can't do this anymore."

I take a deep breath and manage not to break down, "Okay. It's over, then. I don't even want you anymore after this."
He sighs sadly, "Please don't let this effect you too much, Al."

He hangs up.
That's when I break down. It's all just so final, and sudden and I can't handle it. There's so much I wanted to say, but instead I lied. And we both know I lied.

The saddest part is, that I just let him go, because if he's not happy with me, then so be it. I just want him to be happy, that's all I've ever wanted, even if that means seeing him kiss my sister.

This is definitely the worst kind of goodbye.

The worst kind of goodbye is the one that you don't expect. The worst is when you don't even consider it an option because four months ago he was telling you that you're the love of his life and now the word forever isn't even uttered from his lips.

Four months ago he looked at you like you put the sun in the sky, and now he looks like he can't wait for the sun to set and leave the skies over his head.

The worst kind of goodbye is the kind that you dread. You feel it leaking into every crevice of your heart, and you try not to talk because you can hardly take a breath in, let alone beg him to stay, while he's stabbing wounds like, "It's just over, then", and "We can't do this anymore.". You hold in your tears and replace them with anger and words with a lot more bark than bite like, "Fine, leave. I don't even want you anymore". And he looks at you all sad, because you both know you're lying.

But if he's going to leave, then you'd better rip off the band-aid, instead of waiting around to see if the wound will heal.

The worst kind of goodbye is the kind that echoes through your body weeks later, because he left fingerprints on parts of your body you wouldn't expect, like the back of your eyelids or the spaces between your fingertips.

The worst kind of goodbye is the kind that enters like a bullet but crawls its way out like blood from a small cut. You see it everywhere, and you let it haunt you, because you'd rather see him say 'goodbye' a thousand times than not see him at all.

The worst kind of goodbye is the one that he left you in, because no matter what you do, you can't seem to press the right buttons to rewind or close your fists tight enough to shove the words back into his mouth and replace them with the love you could've sworn he once felt.

-

Later, there's a knock on my door. I stay silent just sitting on the floor in front of my bed.

It's Ina. She comes in, quietly closing the door behind her.

She sits down next to me.
"I'm sorry", she whispers. I just shrug. I'm so tired of these stupid words.

I'm sorry.

What does it fix? Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

We sit there saying nothing for a while. I put my arms behind my head and close my eyes, trying to relax.

"He loves you. I know he loves you.", Ina suddenly whispers.
I drop my arms.
"I don't know who he loves, but it was obviously never me. I'm not sure if you noticed, but he cheated on me with you - my sister. That's not love. You wouldn't do that to someone you're supposed to 'love'." She sighs, gets up, and her arm brushes the top of my head lightly.

I close my eyes again at her touch and hate myself for wishing what she said was true - that Austin really cared.

[i got so motivated to write I love sad]