Blue Coffee Mugs and the Agoraphobic [boyxboy] ✔

Beneath the Stars

THIRTY FOUR

Alan's POV

It's late. Maybe 2am, and we're outside. By "we", I mean Austin and I. Yes, he's convinced me to talk yet again.

"We have to try Alan. I know it's not easy, but I love you. I really love you, and I need you. I can't say it enough... I'm... I'm sorry."

I don't answer. I just sigh while looking up at the stars. It's nice, a little cold out, but nice.

"Are you gonna say anything?"

I sit up, "Look, I just... I can't do this as quickly as you might want me to. I won't get over this in a week, you know? I need time, and even though you may not agree, I think we both do. We've learned that rushing into things doesn't help any of us. Our relationship isn't the same."

It seems that he forces himself to look at me, "You can't possibly hate me more than I hate myself."
"But I don't hate you", I say quietly, my voice showing slight confusion.

After all my anger at Austin, how weird is it to sit here, beneath the stars, and defend him from himself.

"Then you should."

I laugh humorlessly and shake my head.
"What angers me most, is that I love you so much. I wish I could hate you, I want to hate you, with a burning passion, but I just can't. I'd die, I... I'd do anything for you, and even with your hands around my throat I would still fucking adore you 'till my last breath.", I admit, some tears forming in my eyes.

"I don't even know what to say when you talk to me sometimes. You're such a good person and you're so loyal and honest and perfect and then there's me... Who... Who makes mistakes all the time, and then apologizes, acting like it will fix everything. And you forgave me the first time I lied to you. I was so thankful for that - I still am. But what I said back then, still is a thing, you know? I don't want you to think that I'm trying to manipulate you by saying this, because I'm not, but I might not have that much time left. I really don't know. But no matter what may come, I want you to be there through all of it. I need you, Alan."

We are repeating ourselves now. I accidentally let out a sob, and feel stupid and embarrassed for crying. I don't know why, because a lot of people would probably cry more than I have in the past few months, but still.

Maybe I just don't want Austin to know how much this actually affected me. I cover my mouth with my hand and try to calm myself down.

Crying isn't gonna help. Crying isn't gonna help.
Crying isn't gonna help.

"Oh god, please don't cry", Austin says, his voice sounding a little odd, "I'm sorry, please don't cry."

"Okay, assuming I would forgive you... How do I know you won't cheat again? How do I know I can trust you? Because I don't. I don't know, and I don't trust you either."

Austin looked hurt for a second, but it was a little hard for me to feel empathy for him at the moment.

"I changed, Alan. I swear I did."
"Maybe you did. It's not really helpful either way. People might change, but the past doesn't."

He rolls his eyes, "Are you fucking serious? Alan, look - I've been doing everything, I've been trying everything to get you back, to prove that I love you, but you don't even acknowledge it in the slightest. What do you expect me to do, huh? I don't know anymore. So please just tell me what you want, okay? I'm sick of trying to please you."

I look at him in absolute disbelief, "After all of this shit... You think you have the right to start snapping at me like this? You think you have the right to get angry just because I don't jump right back into your arms after you've said sorry a few times? Are you fucking kidding me? If you hadn't been so goddamn persistent, we wouldn't even be talking right now. We would never talk again, either. So please, if you're really that stupid and shallow, leave. I don't need this right now. I have better things to do, than to sit here and get yelled at by the guy who cheated on me."