The Beautiful Hummingbird - Part I

Love Letter Ten

Wednesday, 15th January 2014
London, Australia & Asia
Two Months That's Too Far Away From You

My Darling Natasha,

I lay in bed that morning just with my thoughts of you from the last few days.

I met new people every day and I became accomplished at reading them by their words and actions and I adapted my behaviour to suit. But you appeared difficult to read. Not entirely a closed book but certainly more shut off than anyone I'd met in a long time.

You gave very little away vocally but through your body language your personality screamed a whole load of contradictions at me.

Your eyes gave away a thousand truths. Although your head was up, your big browns remained downcast or focused straight ahead, only occasionally flicking up to catch my gaze, then when they did they retreated again to hide. Your eye lashes fluttered in overdrive scared and unsure. You'd close your eyes and shake your head so slightly that most people wouldn't catch it. That single action said 'hurt' or 'pain' or perhaps both, I couldn't put my finger on it.

Your tentative smile was restricted. The corners of your mouth turned up and your plump lips pressed together as though you were going to beam but you'd prevent yourself and your lips would contract and part slightly suppressing your display of happiness.

Your hands were stressed as you constantly wrung them together, entwining your fingers pulling the skin across your knuckles taut. And although you stood up straight, your legs were together and stiff as your feet turned inwards or one foot rested on top of the other.

If I stood close, you folded your arms across your chest to create a barrier but you weren't holding your arms tight because you stroked the material of the sleeves or if your arms were bare you lightly scratched the surface or your skin with your thumb nails.

You were so beautiful but so closed and for me those two things didn't go together. You were an enigma to me. A code that I wanted to break open and understand why there was something very lonely about you.

I suspected you might be at college although I didn't know for sure so I decided to call you later that evening. Your "Hi Harry" got my heart racing, just the sound of your voice again tied my stomach in knots. I was so glad you liked my gift and your response of "it says all it needs too" told me you knew how I was starting to feel about you.

We then talked and talked over the next few days. Chatting to you was effortless, easy. You were more relaxed with me and opening up about yourself. Conversation flowed between us like a river and we never hit rocks of awkwardness. Even when I brought up leaving for Australia you shrugged it off with ease and made light of it.

You just so got it, like no one apart from mum has before, and I was reminded of my mum in that moment because suddenly there you were, like her, making it all seem ok, not difficult.

Although I got back into band me quickly you were never far from my mind. When I was sat alone on my hotel bed at night I played your voicemails over just to hear you. We finally got to speak and it was such a relief.

I found it amusing that you'd been keeping up with the tour on Twitter and I teased you about stalking me. You made a joke of it with witty comebacks and I realised I was missing you. Funny really as we hadn't known each other that long but having you there to talk to was like a welcome release from my mad world.

After that conversation I wanted to speak to you everyday. I couldn't stop thinking about you. You sent me a Scrabble App invite and we played backwards and forwards constantly.

My Dad joined me for part of the tour. It was always great whenever one of my family was with me. He sensed a change in me during the time we spent together. He kept asking me if I was ok as I seemed 'off with the fairies' as he put it! I didn't tell him or anyone for that matter about you as I'd promised myself I wouldn't.

When we were in Melbourne it was Chinese New Year and we had an amazing evening in the most colourful Chinese restaurant I've ever been to. I found myself wishing you had been there with me to experience the atmosphere and sights of the celebrations.

Then it was my birthday and you organised the most wonderful second date night surprise.  Such a simple idea but so amazingly thoughtful for both of us to eat Indian takeaway on our respective sides of the world.  The miles paled into insignificance and it became irrelevant that it was only your image on the screen in front of me and not physically you because I was spending precious time with you and that was the best feeling in the world. 

I kept reminding myself of my promise to not step out of line this time. With so much female attention constantly on me, towards me, near me, in the past it had been hard to say no. If I wanted it, it was there for the taking. But this time everything felt different. It was still very much there but I didn't want to take it.

For the first time I simply led an easy life on tour. I surrounded myself with my Dad, crew friends and the band by day, relaxing by the pool, playing golf or in the gym keeping fit and after performing in the evening, going out for a quiet dinner or staying around the hotel bars having a few drinks. I chose the company I kept during that time very carefully so as not to cause any misunderstanding of any kind. Truthfully, it was easy and that was because I was finally ready, ready for a relationship, a relationship with you and nothing was going to get in the way of that.

When I Skyped you it was the best thing to see you and your smile and how beautiful you were. I began texting you every morning when I woke up and every night before I went to bed. I couldn't put the breaks on my emotions any longer. I had been away from you for six weeks but my feelings for you hadn't diminished. In fact quite the opposite and I wanted you to realise that you were constantly on my mind. The more I thought about you the more I was falling for you, even from this far away.

My love is always yours, H .x

PS: I disappeared one afternoon on my own to have a new tattoo inked in Sydney. I knew exactly what I wanted and where. It's small size in no way represented it's meaning, the start of what feels like the best thing that's ever going to happen in my life.