The Beautiful Hummingbird - Part I

Love Letter Fifteen

Thursday, 27th March 2014

Eskdale House, The Heath, London, England.

My Darling Natasha,

I didn't sleep well after the events of the previous night. I blamed myself and despite my attempts to reassure you, I felt that you were slipping away from me.

You were due to return home the following day and as time was short I decided to open up to you about my past. I hoped in turn it would help you to tell me about yours but I also wanted you to see more of the real me before we were parted.

So I talked and told you everything.

I told you about all my stupid teenage boy misdemeanors with girls and about my past sexual partners. You were quiet but seemed surprised when I told you I'd only ever had physical sex with so few . Of course I'd had loads of experiences with lots of women but actual sex, yes not that many. The media always had me so wrong and it was the one thing that truly bothered me and the one 'label' I could never quite shake off which is why it felt so important to tell you.

The rest of the day we spent together seemed strained. The balance between us was gone. I talked non-stop whilst you were introverted. I couldn't get you to open up to me. However, you did ask me if I was going to tell anyone about us. I told you I wasn't ready and that wasn't because I had doubts about us but because of all the unnecessary baggage that goes with 'going public'. I wanted you to myself for just a little bit longer and wanted to protect you from the 'media circus' as long as possible. I hoped you understood.

You were returning to Manchester because of exams and I had meetings in London before the tour started again. Something was different between us and I was worried. When we went to leave the house I asked you to stay but you declined. You were quiet driving to Heathrow and I remember I held your hand the whole way there and even took the longer route because I didn't want you to leave me.

We'd agreed I'd just drop you off and when we arrived at the airport I kissed you but you pulled back. As you walked away I shouted that I loved you and although you turned and smiled you didn't say it back.

I watched you as you walked into the terminal building and out of my sight. Then I rested my head on my hands on the steering wheel and felt numb. Why? Because something deep down inside of me told me that I was never going to see you again.

My love is always yours, H.c

PS: On the drive back home after dropping you off it dawned on me why meeting you was different. You were everything my world was not and I realised that for all this time I had been looking for love in totally the wrong place.