The Beautiful Hummingbird - Part I

Love Letter Eight

Tuesday 13th January 2014

26 Terrace Street, Holmes Chapel, Cheshire, England.

My Darling Natasha,

After your panic attack, you collapsed.  I carried you to the sofa and I sat on the floor beside you and watched you breathe in and out for over an hour.

I was so scared, I was sweating profusely and my hand felt clammy entwined with your cold one. Although I knew you needed to rest, all I really wanted to do was to wake you up to check you were okay.

You came round and the tight constriction around my chest immediately lifted. It was important that you understood how sorry I was for pushing you too far. You tried to play it down with a response that suggested this wasn't the first time you'd had an attack. I didn't pry but was again left wondering why.

You hurriedly offered that I could leave but I simply couldn't just up and do that. If I had walked out the door with the unspoken feelings hanging between us I knew that would be that and there would be no coming back.

Despite the attack, I needed to know how you felt and I pressed you again to open up to me. Your protective walls were up so high though despite my best efforts it was all in vain. I conceded defeat and headed slowly towards the door.

You shouted after me and when I turned to look at you, I could only watch as you struggled with your tangled emotions, desperately trying to open up to me. It was excruciating and I felt almost cruel at trying to break you but in truth I wasn't, I just needed to know.

Finally you closed your eyes, puffed out a huge breath and the words came flying out your mouth that I had so longed to hear. As you let go of every possible emotion trapped within you, all I could do was hold you protectively against me.

I told you you were not alone, that I was with you, that I felt something for you and was completely overwhelmed that I didn't want to fight it.

Such was your emotional state, I knew you couldn't return my words but at that point, I didn't care, all I ever wanted was to be was honest with you.

You took me completely by surprise when you kissed me and said you felt something too. We simply sat contentedly wrapped around one another, exploring and kissing and cuddling until it was dark outside again.

When the time came to leave, I didn't want to go because I knew this was it for two months. But you were incredible when you said it would work if we wanted it too.

I asked you to make me a promise but when you said you couldn't because you'd been let down so many times by broken promises in the past, my heart nearly shred in two.

So we agreed that you would 'agree' not 'promise' to keep smiling your stunning smile and not tell my mum anything about what had happened today!

My love is always yours, H.x

PS: At that moment, I felt as though I was standing on the edge of something that, I don't know, could be perfect but I shouldn't take that step off the edge just yet because that would cause me to fall and falling too fast would mean I'd miss out as I'd hit the ground too quickly. So I didn't jump, I just teetered on the edge, taking time to think carefully about the possibility in front of me. Slow, measured and calm, not fast rushed and frantic just as you suggested.